A Thousand Years
by Wonder and Ashes
Summary: Shared dreams between Buffy and Spike lead to knowledge of what happened in the past – and open new doors leading to a potential future together, if they're able to not make the same mistakes as their ancestors. Nominated at Round 30 of the SunnyD Awards for Best Alternate Universe, Best Pairing (Conventional) and Best Plot. Winner for Best Romance.
1. Prologue: Boudicca and Brennus

**Disclaimer**: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Chapter Notes**: First posted on _Elysian Fields_ September 4th 2014 as a response to a challenge.

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><p><em>I have died every day waiting for you<em>

_Darling, don't be afraid_

_I have loved you for a thousand years_

_I'll love you for a thousand more_

~ Christina Perri, _A Thousand Years_

* * *

><p><em>I am Boudicca, the Vampire Slayer. And I wish to die a warrior's death. <em>

_It was Drest who decided that I am to marry Cynbel. Drest; my Watcher. The one who is supposed to guide me throughout my quest to rid this land of the creatures who roam the night. He told me that Slayers must always be alone, for that is how it is and that is how it should always be. _

_He feels that if I marry and bear children, any daughters I may have will be Potential Slayers, something he claims this land sorely needs. There are others out there, he says, but they are difficult to find in a land where the clans are spread far and wide. If I bear children, he says, they can start their training young, as I did. _

_But it does not feel right. I understand his intentions, but the thought of marrying Cynbel gives me an illness in my stomach. I am a Slayer, and I am strong. Cynbel does not make me feel strong; he makes me feel weak, and thinks I should only depend on him. _

_So in my confusion I venture across the land to see Feidlimid, a witch who resides in the high hills. She already knows why I have come when I reach her, and already has an answer for me. _

"_All Slayers have a Gift," she tells me. "What is it you most desire?" _

_I know my answer. "Death. I do not wish to marry Cynbel. I would rather die." _

"_Death is the Gift of the Slayer; the final look of peace as they escape the world that always fights against them," she said. "Go to the cave that lies beneath the valley, and there you will find the Slayer's Gift." _

_I nod to her, but as I turn to leave she speaks again. "You are no ordinary Slayer, Boudicca. You love with all your heart; it shines brighter than the sun. Your Gift is different, and in two thousand years, you will find it." _

"_I will not live for that long," I say. _

"_Not in this form," says Feidlimid. "Twelve times you will meet the Gift of the Slayer, and twelve times you will return. The thirteenth try will be the hardest, in a time when one has become two. But by then you would have learnt what a Slayer needs to survive, and your true Gift shall prevail." _

_I nod again, and when I turn to leave this time, she does not stop me. I do not understand her words, but Feidlimid is wise, and I do as she says. _

_When I reach the cave beneath the valley, the sense of danger overwhelms me. There is a vampire in the cave. At first I debate turning back, but then I remember Feidlimid's words, and I step inside. If I am to die, then it should be by a vampire's hand. _

_I see him when the cave is dark, but not dark enough for me to be blinded. It is almost as if he is waiting for me. He does not leap at me in a blind urge to tear me apart, as the many vampires had done before. Instead he waits for me to make the first move. _

_Only when I am closer do I recognize him. Brennus; a vampire well known to this land. He always stays in the shadows and lets no one see him. _

_No one but me, that is. I have seen him twice before, always at a distance, always watching me. Drest informed me that I should never attempt to engage him, because he is dangerous and I would not survive. I never understood why he would want me to stay away, for it is my duty to kill all vampires no matter how dangerous they are. _

_I understood when he told me I was to marry Cynbel. _

_I look into the yellow eyes of the killer and stand my ground. I will not show him any fear. Death is the Gift of a Slayer, and all Gifts must be accepted. _

_So I sit down before him and tell him, "Do it." _

_When he reaches me, I expect him to sink his fangs into my neck. And he does. _

_Only after an experience of pure bliss. _

_Drest lied to me. He claimed that vampires are nothing more than animals; soulless monsters who cannot feel a single measurement of emotion and will kill everything in their path without a hint of regret. But it must be a lie. _

_Brennus can love, and he loves me. "Mine," he claims, as his fangs slide gently into the point between my shoulder and neck. _

"_Yours," I say, and within me I feel something falling into place; a part of me I never knew was empty. _

_He only takes a few sips of my blood before he cuts his lip on his fang. I somehow know what to do, and take his lips in mine. The blood runs down my throat, and across my vision I see all that we can be together. _

_I see us in the future, looking different every time, but always meeting and always claiming and always making love to one another… Then the bliss reaches its peak and it's the most wonderful thing in the world. _

_We sleep tangled in each other, as if our bodies are one. In my happiness I do not acknowledge the approaching footsteps. By the time I awaken, it is already too late. _

_Cynbel is first to act, and drives a stake through the heart of my lover. I cry out in pain as Brennus turns to dust, and his sudden loss hits me with unbearable agony. It unleashes something within me, and I find myself taking Cynbel's head between my hands before I twist with all my strength. His neck snaps. _

_Then there is an arrow in my heart. I turn to see Drest with the bow before I fall and know no more._

* * *

><p>I jolt awake from the pain that felt all too real to be a dream.<p>

_Slayer dream_. I rub the back of my neck, which has become stiff from all the tossing and turning I did in my sleep. Then I grab the notebook and pen on my bedside table and begin to write it all down, while the dream is still fresh in my mind.

When I reach the end, I freeze. The vampire's face was clear as day, and it's something I really want to forget.

Why do I only remember _his_ face? I can't remember the faces of the man and the Watcher. I can remember the face of the witch, but I don't recognize her from anywhere. I want it to be a normal dream instead of a Slayer dream.

Because if it _is_ it would make sense, since I was kissing the vampire two days ago.

"Buffy? Are you up?"

I look around my room, only just remembering that it's the weekend and I'd decided to go home and see Mom and Dawn. "Yeah, I'm up. Can't stay, though. I need to see Giles."

I shower and dress quickly in my desperation to get this thing sorted. After what happened, the very thought of the spell having after effects was enough to wig me out. I hope either Willow or Giles can fix this.

The thought of falling in love with him… I shudder. It's disgusting.

And it's scary, because I can still feel the love she – Boudicca – felt for him in my dream. And I never knew erotic Slayer dreams were a thing…

I shudder again. I can't be thinking about that. Not now, not ever.

I call Giles in advance to tell him I'm coming, before calling the others, too. By the time I arrive, Willow and Xander are already there. Xander even brought doughnuts, most likely having anticipated a research session. He also brought Anya. I try not to look annoyed; she and Xander have a good thing going, and I know I need to be supportive.

"So what's up, Buff?" asks Xander.

"Slayer dream." I turn to Giles. "At least, I think it is. It felt so real that I can't imagine it being anything else. But…"

Giles sat up curiously. "But what, Buffy?"

"I don't want it to be, because…"

But before I can continue, _he_ walks into the room. In my panic to get to the bottom of the dream, I completely forgot that Spike is staying with Giles.

His mouth is open to say something – probably complain about the lack of blood, our treatment of him, or something completely random – but then he sees me, and his mouth closes again. He stares at me and I stare back, and suddenly I realize why.

He had the same dream.

We both cross the room in the same instant, and as if the dream had caused us to be totally in sync with one another, the words that leave our mouths are the same as well.

"What the hell was that about?!"


	2. Chapter One: The Dream

I forgot that the others are in the room with us. Too busy glaring at Spike.

"Cool." Willow speaks first. "Did you guys, like, rehearse that?"

"No!" And again with being in sync. What's with this vampire today? I turn and send him another glare. He sends me one back. At least we're on the same page.

"You were saying, Buffy?" asks Giles.

I sigh, and after sending Spike one final glare, I sit down. "Like I said, I had a Slayer dream last night. Or a regular dream which just so happens to be real like a Slayer dream."

"What did this dream consist of?"

Spike sits on the couch next to me, as far away from me as he can. I ignore him and he does the same. "I think I saw the life of another Slayer. Pretty ancient. Back when people lived in mud huts and there were clans and…stuff like that."

"Celts," Spike speaks up. I wonder how he knows this; Spike's smart, but not that kind of smart.

Giles is surprised. "You had this dream, too?" He looks between us. "You mean to tell me that the two of you shared a dream?"

"That's what it looks like," I mutter. I remember the dreams I shared with Angel that one time last year, but they weren't Slayer dreams; they were his own, taunts by the First Evil. But this dream… It was about a Slayer and a vampire – who looked exactly like Spike. So the Slayer probably looked like me.

I really hate this.

"Great, and I thought the kissing the other day was bad," says Xander.

"It was a spell!" Spike and I look at one another. We really need to stop saying the same things at the same time.

Giles rises from his seat and walks over to his bookcase. "What was the name of the Slayer?" he asks.

"Um… Boudicca," I reply. "And the vampire was called Brennus. And her Watcher was called Drest, or something like that."

Giles pulls out an old book and turns to the right page. Yay for old books. I hate looking in them, but they're handy to have. So long as the others look in them. Not me.

"Let's see… I recall reading a short passage about a Slayer with that name during my training."

"Isn't Boudicca a Celtic warrior woman who fought the Romans?" asks Willow.

"I believe _that_ Boudicca was named after the Slayer." Giles finds the right page and his eyes light up. "Ah, here we are. Boudicca was a Slayer who resided in the midlands of England and was well-known throughout her clan for slaying demons."

I'm surprised. "I thought people aren't supposed to know about the Slaying gig?"

"Back then people were far more aware of demons than they are nowadays," says Giles. "She lived around two thousand years ago, and it says here that she finally died in combat against the vampire Brennus."

"In combat?" I turn to Spike and he looks embarrassed. So do I. "Yeah, that's not what happened in the dream."

"You are suggesting that the diary is incorrect?" asks Giles.

"Believe me, Giles; I'm hoping the diary is the better source here." I bite my lip. I really don't wanna tell them what happened, but I realize that it's important. If something's happening – if these weird dreams end up connecting to an apocalypse of some sort – I can't afford to keep things from the others. Spike isn't protesting either, which is surprising. "You see… Look, let's just say things got a little…erotic."

And of course, Xander chose that moment to take a drink, which he immediately spat out once I finished speaking. Willow's eyes widen while Giles takes off his glasses and cleans them. Only Anya is unfazed, but that's nothing new with the subject matter.

"You _slept_ with him?!" Xander sputtered.

Willow looks guilty. "It was the spell, wasn't I? I made you two kiss and now you're all making with the love-"

"EW, EW, EWWWWWWW!" I gag at the thought.

"You lot are barmy if you think I'd wanna do that with _her_!"

"And technically it wasn't us," I say. "They just _looked_ like us. Which is really weird and really creepy, but it wasn't us. And…I didn't even enjoy it, anyway. I mean, the Slayer in the dream did, but I didn't."

"Too right." Spike rises and takes out a pack of cigarettes. Giles glares, but Spike ignores him as he lights up.

"Was there anything else in the dream?" asks Giles, trying to ignore Spike stinking out the room with his smoke.

I remember the visit to the witch. "Yeah. I saw this witch; I think her name was…Freya…Freidline…"

"Feidlimid," says Spike. I turn to him. "Brennus visited her, too. She told him some rot 'bout destiny before tellin' him to wait it out in tha' cave. If the Slayer was his destiny, my condolences to him."

"She told me something, too," I say. "She said that Death is a Slayer's Gift, but told Boudicca that she's full of love and that her Gift is different – and that she would find it in two thousand years."

"Two thousand years is now," says Giles. "That would explain why you are having the dream at this time."

"She also said that she will meet the Gift of the Slayer twelve times and return twelve times. The thirteenth time will be the hardest when one has become two, whatever _that_ means."

"Stop talking cryptic, Buff," says Xander. "It doesn't suit you."

"The witch was the one talking cryptic," I say. "Is that just a thing, for witches to talk like that?"

"_I_ don't," says Willow.

"When one has become two…" Giles thinks. "Perhaps that is a reference to the fact that there are two Slayers currently."

I shrug. It would make sense. "But what's with all the 'twelve' and 'thirteen' talk? What does that mean?"

"I honestly do not know, Buffy." Giles sighs. "All we can really do is wait and see what happens. You have already suggested that the diary is incorrect so I cannot imagine us finding out anything else that can be of use. I have to wonder why the Watchers would change the facts; the diaries are usually so accurate."

Spike scoffed. "Yeah, a real mystery. I wonder _why_ they didn't include the fact that a Slayer was Claimed by a soulless vampire."

Giles almost drops his glasses. "C-Claimed?"

I turn to Spike in confusion. "Claimed? What's that supposed to mean?"

"It's an emotional vampire ritual," says Spike. "Rarely practised on the account that most vampires can't love."

"Yeah, right." I almost laugh. "Don't you mean _all_?"

He glares at me. "_Most_. There're two different types of Claims; Matin' and Protection. A Protection Claim is just a bite; the vampire bites the person they want to protect, says a few words, takes a few sips, and that's tha'. Other vampires would know to stay away. A Matin' Claim is the same, but the person bein' bitten has to take a sip of the vampire's blood, as well. They become linked. If the link is severed…" He looks at me knowingly.

I nod, trying to forget the unbearable pain that shot through Boudicca after Brennus was killed.

"I didn't think it could work with humans," says Giles.

"Protection Claims can. I'd say Matin' Claims can work on Slayers." He shrugs, taking a long drag from his cigarette before blowing it in my face. I cough and glare at him for the hundredth time. "Don' know why any vamp _would_, though. 'S unnatural, is wha' it is. Especially linkin' themselves to _her_. I'd rather step out in the sunshine."

"Go ahead. No one will miss you." I wave mockingly. "And being Claimed to you? Total nightmare. Thank God that's all it was."

With nothing else to report, the rest of the gang leave. Spike goes to sulk in the bathroom which leaves Giles and I alone.

I think about what I saw in the dream when I – Boudicca – drank the vampire's blood. I saw myself many times over fighting the forces of darkness; different places and different time periods, but they were all the same. And then each Slayer came across a vampire like Spike, and each time they made love.

What does that mean? I think about the words of the witch. What does she mean by 'Death is the Slayer's Gift'? How can Death be a Gift? She said it was an escape for the Slayers; that final look of peace. It scares me, the fact that I may reach a point where I'll welcome death with open arms. Is that truly the fate of a Slayer? A short life of fighting and an early death?

And how is Boudicca's Gift different?

"Buffy?" I turn to find Giles watching me with concern. "You look troubled."

"I was thinking about what the witch said," I tell him. "I…I need you to be my Watcher again."

He looks surprised. "I was fired."

"Then be my Watcher in spirit," I say. "All I know about being the Slayer is that I fight demons and I'm probably gonna die young. Is that really it? Is that all there is to it? I need to know more; about where my power comes from, about the other Slayers, and what it truly means to be one. It's been over two thousand years, millions of girls have been Called, and yet nothing seems to have changed. I feel like there's something each girl isn't getting; I'm gonna find out what that is, and I'm gonna learn to control it. But I need your help."

He watches me as I talk, and when I'm done he does that thing with his glasses again. But he's not worried; just thoughtful. "I'll be very pleased to help you with this, Buffy. You are the longest living Slayer in history – or at least one of them – and you are certainly the first who has never been alone. I believe that means something."

When I leave his home to go to class, I finally bring myself to think about Spike. What part does he play in all this? I'm scared to answer.

* * *

><p>Patrolling always helps relieve stress, and this time is no different.<p>

"You know, it's probably none of my business, but I just gotta ask; did you smell this bad when you were alive?"

The vampire – some seventies reject with an afro and a rainbow jacket – snarls at me. Part of me is focussed on him while another part thinks back to the dream, and the certain bleach blonde vampire who was in it completely uninvited. Why can't the whole 'vampires-need-to-be-invited' thing work in dreams, too?

"If it's a post-mortem thing, then hey, so not your fault. But just so you know, the fast-growing field of personal grooming's come a long way since you became a vampire."

I raise my stake ready. But suddenly he grabs by arm, twists it, and the stake plunges into my gut.

Pain. Blinding.

I see colours. Red. White. Black. I feel the blood seeping through my hands as I pull the stake out. I hear the taunting laugh of the vampire as he stands over me.

And then, as I stare out across the cemetery, I see the face of my mortal enemy. His eyes are wide and his mouth is open, and when the ringing in my ears fades away I realize that he's calling my name.

"Buffy!"


	3. Chapter Two: Slipped Up

I collapse to the ground still holding my gut as Spike rushes past me. I don't see him do it, but I hear his growl as he tackles the other vampire into the dirt. Then I hear the familiar unearthly sound of the younger vampire turning to dust.

My first thought: Where's his headache? He thinks the same, as I hear him say, "It didn't fire. I can hurt demons." Then he's in front of me, and in his eyes I don't see a cold blooded killer or the Slayer of Slayers. Instead I see worry; he's worried about me, and I don't understand why.

"C'mon, Slayer. Don't quit on me now. _I'm_ s'posed to be the one tha' does you in."

"Shut up, Spike." I struggle to my feet. I can't go back to the dorm like this, but I can't go home; I don't want to worry Mom or Dawn, which means the hospital is out of the question, too. "Giles…" I begin to stumble.

Spike grabs me. "Stubborn bitch. I'm tryin' ta _help_ you."

"Don't need…your…help…" Even as I speak my vision starts going dark. I can't keep my eyes open. The pain is overwhelming and I just wanna let it come. Is this what the witch meant? Is Death truly my Gift? Will I only ever welcome pain instead of fight it?

Suddenly Spike is carrying me, and honestly, I'm in too much pain to care. It takes all of my energy not to black out. I'm afraid that if I do, I won't wake up again. I'm scared that part of me doesn't care.

I know when we arrive at Giles's. His "Good lord" gives him away. Spike brings me inside and lies me down on the couch. I open my eyes and see Giles bringing a first aid kit.

"Giles…"

"I'm here." He sets the stuff down before giving me a drink. I see the pain killers at the bottom of the glass. I drink, and as I do Giles turns to Spike. "So explain to me again why you showed up on my front step with my Slayer in your arms?"

"A vamp," he says. "Used her own bloody stake against her. Got her in the gut."

"Yes, I can see that," says Giles. "What I don't understand is why you helped her at all? While I am grateful for your actions… Forgive me if I'm wrong, but you want to kill her."

"That's right. _I_ want to kill her," he says. "Can't do that if another vamp gets to her first – a vamp not even _half_ my age, at that."

"While I would usually be inclined to believe that, your face tells a different story."

I turn my head to look at Spike. He hasn't lost his 'oh god she almost died' look. I would've called it a fluke if I hadn't seen it before, when I threatened to stake Drusilla. But why is he worried about me? He wants to kill me, and I want to kill him. It's simple, and easy to remember. Throwing worry about each other into the mix just complicates things.

Spike finally gives in. "I don' know, OK? It's like this…instinct! I saw her get staked and I wanted to rip the wanker's head off! _I_ don' even understand it! And it's bloody unnatural!"

"Join the club," I moan. "And lie to me next time so we don't complicate our relationship."

"Yeah, well…can't seem to do that, either," Spike snarled. "Bloody hell, that dream's done something to me."

"You're blaming the dream now?"

"It has to be!" He throws his arms into the air in frustration before storming out. "At least I can fight demons now."

Giles looks up to watch him go before turning to me. "I'm sorry, did he say…?"

"He can hurt demons." I black out.

* * *

><p>I skip classes the next day. Giles advises it until I feel better, and I agree.<p>

We spend the day looking through the Watchers diaries. I need to know what I did wrong last night; it was a typical vampire and it got the better of me. I thought maybe it was because I was distracted by thoughts of the dream, but that's never stopped me before. I stake vampires in the middle of conversations. It's usually no big.

But this time I slipped up, and I need to know why.

"These Watchers don't go into much detail," I finally complain to Giles at the end of the day. "Slayer's called, blah-blah, scary battles, blah-blah, oops she's dead. They don't explain her final battle, or anything; they don't tell us why she failed. What made that last fight special? Or not special, since it's…not good. You know, she died, and all. But last night was too close. I know all Slayers come with an expiration date, but I want mine to be a long time from now."

"I imagine the circumstances would be painful for the Watchers to describe." Giles looks away, and I understand. If I had died last night, I can't imagine him being able to recount my last battle.

But that doesn't help. I can't die; I can't leave Mom and Dawn behind, or my friends. And part of me suspects that in finding the answer I may be able to solve the whole 'Death is the Slayer's Gift' mystery. "But if the Watchers can't help us… Who else would've been around to see it?"

The front door bursts open and in comes Spike with a flaming blanket over his head.

"Bloody hell!" He stomps on the blanket, trying to put it out. "The sun's almost down; tha' shouldn't 'ave happened!"

I look at him and it hits me. Spike killed two Slayers. He witnessed – caused – the deaths of two Slayers. If anyone knows anything about the last battles of the Slayer, that anyone would be him.

"Spike." Giles tries not to sigh. "You have been absent since last night."

"Yeah, well…" He shrugs. "Since I can hurt demons, I figured I'd find my own place. Been wanderin' the sewers most of the day. No luck yet."

I don't wait for him to say anything else. I cross the room, grab the collar of his duster and pin him against the wall.

"Watch the leather! You'll bruise it!"

I ignore him. "I have a proposition for you."

His eyebrow goes up. "Yeah?"

"Slayers," I say. "You killed two of them. I need you to tell me how."

At first he looks surprised. And then he chuckles, and I resist the urge to punch the smirk off his face. "Well, well. Look who needs the Big Bad's help."

"Seeing as we helped _you_ it'll only be fair if you return the favour," I say.

"Funny. I don' call tyin' someone up and lettin' them starve "helpin'". Aren't _I_ s'posed to be the evil one here?"

"Help, or I'll help _you_ fit into an ashtray."

"Children, if you're done." I turn to Giles and see him taking out his wallet.

Spike's eyes light up. "Those are pretty-lookin' pieces of paper."

"Tell Buffy what you know, and the money is yours."

My eyes widen. Giles has, what, over a hundred dollars in his hand? Does he really need to spend that on _Spike_, of all people? "Giles, don't waste your money on trash."

"Hey!"

"Buffy, he may be the only method of finding out what you wish to know," says Giles. "I do not wish for you to die as much as you do; I'm willing to pay Spike for any information he has."

"And I'm willin' to accept it." He smirks, and once again I resist the urge to punch him. "'Course, since I'm tellin' the tale, I get to pick where we go and wha' I get. We go to tha' kiddie hang out and you buy me buffalo wings. I'm feelin' peckish."

I go to punch him. Giles sees it coming and catches my fist. "Buffy."

He gives me the look and I back down. I get it. I need Spike to tell me everything he knows about Slayers, and unless I play nice, he'll be difficult. Or he'll decide the money isn't worth it and leave, and I can't afford that.

Half an hour later, Spike and I leave Giles's and head for the Bronze. We don't talk, and that's fine with me. I clench my fists to keep myself under control.

Then a thought occurs to me. "Spike, why were you out last night?" He came to us for protection, and yet he was out wandering in the night, just _asking_ to be attacked by some demon or the commando boys. This was before the discovery that he can hurt demons, so why would he risk it?

Spike looks surprised by my question before he shrugs. "Don't rightly know. Needed some air, started walkin'; didn't really mean to go that far."

I realize that I might have died had he not come by. It was almost…meant to be. I wonder what that could mean.


	4. Chapter Three: Gift of the Slayer

It's after we're sat down and he's digging into his buffalo wings that he begins his story.

"Like all vamps, I was a man once," he began. "Started out at the bottom; climbed my way to the top. The usual MO."

"Is this your life story now?" I ask.

Spike rolls his eyes. "Right. You wanna learn how I bested the Slayers, and you wanna learn fast. We fought, I won, the end. Pay up."

His face is looking really punch-able right now. "That's not-"

"You want a quick demo? A description, blow by blow, for you to map out and memorize? It's not about the moves, luv."

"Then what's it about?"

"Let me tell it my way and you'll find out."

I sigh. I need to put up with this, just for one night. "Were you born this big a pain in the ass?"

"I've always been bad, baby." He takes one last bite, finishing the wings. "So, as I was sayin', I was a man at the bottom of heap. Back in 1880, I believe. Then one lonely night I ran into Dru and she helped me climb up to the top." He looks over at the pool table. "I feel like a game."

Then he stands up and walks over. I roll my eyes. He has the attention span of a child. I follow anyway, and once the game is going, I say, "So you traded up on the food chain. Then what?"

"Oh, please! Don't make it sound like something you'd flip past on the Discovery Channel," he says. He leans across the table and pots another ball. "Become a vampire is a profound and powerful experience. I could feel this new strength coursing through me. Gettin' killed made me feel alive for the very first time. I was through livin' by society's rules; decided to make a few of my own. Of course, in order to do that, I had to get myself a gang."

"The Whirlwind; Scourge of Europe." Darla, Drusilla…and Angel. _Angelus_.

"First found out about the Slayer when we were hidin' in Yorkshire. Mine shaft," says Spike. "I started a fight, we ran, and your precious Angel was angry."

"He wasn't Angel back then," I insist.

He laughs. "And he is now? He hasn't changed, luv. Just switched sides, thanks to tha' spark in his chest. Did he ever tell you tha' he spent a good couple of years with us even _after_ he got himself tha' soul?"

I try not to let it show that no, he didn't. He actually stayed with them? "This isn't about Angel."

"Too right, it's not." He scores another ball in the hole. "Angelus was tryin' to teach me about bein' a vamp; he claimed that killin' is an art. I prefer a good brawl. He warned me tha' one day it'll end with me on the end of a Slayer's stake. I asked what a Slayer was, he told me, and after that I was obsessed. I mean, to most vampires the Slayer was a subject of cold sweat and frightened whispers. But I never hid. I sought her out. You look for fun; there's death, there's glory, and there's sod all else. I was young."

I watch him as he walks over to the table and gulps down a mouthful of beer. "So how'd you kill her? The first one?"

"Funny you should ask." Before I realize what's happening he crosses the gap between us, turns me around to face him and grips me tightly. He doesn't hurt me, because he doesn't suddenly get a headache. "Lesson the First: A Slayer must always reach for her weapon." He shifts into his game face. "I've already got mine."

"Spike-"

He chuckles as he slips out of it again. Then he lets me go and steps back. "Good thing, too. Become a vampire, you've got nothin' to fear – nothin' but one girl. That's you, honey. Back then, it was her: Xin Rong. Wicked fighter. Had this enchanted sword; got me right here." He pointed a finger at the scar on his eyebrow. "I'll admit, luck was on my side with that battle; with the Rebellion goin' on outside, she was keepin' an eye on the danger. The innocents. Couldn't keep up, and I drank from her. Then Dru and I had a shag over her body. It was the best night of my life, and I've had some sweet ones."

As he spoke he sat back down at the table to finish off his beer. I just stare at him; the expression on his face, the tone of his voice… It's disgusting.

"What are you lookin' at?"

I blink. Then I realize that I've been staring at him. "You…you got off on it."

"Well, yeah," he says, as if I'd asked him the easiest question in the world. "S'pose you're tellin' me you don't?"

I don't answer that. Fighting vampires and demons; it's a burden and it's my duty. But sometimes I find myself enjoying it, especially when I meet my match. The quips I give, the punches I throw… I enjoy it, in my better moods. Not often, but sometimes… I couldn't admit this. Not when Spike enjoys it too. It makes me feel dirty.

He scoffs when I don't reply and stands up. "How many of my kind do you reckon you've done?"

"Not enough."

He nods, agreeing. Why would he agree with me? "And we just keep comin'. You can kill a hundred, a thousand, or a thousand-thousand and the armies of Hell besides. And all we need is for one of us – just one – to sooner or later have a thing we're all hopin' for."

He gets up in my face, but I stand my ground. "And that would be what?"

Then he leans in, looking at my neck, and whispers in my ear, "One good day."

I know exactly what he means by that and push him away.

"Hey!" he protests. Other people look over, but we both ignore them. "You asked, and I'm tellin'. The problem with you, Summers, is tha' you've got so good you're startin' to think you're immortal."

"I don't delude myself, Spike," I say. "I know I'm not immortal. I just know I can handle myself."

"Oh, you can," he says. "I don't doubt that, and the Poof should've learnt that one, too. But look at you; one little slip, and suddenly you're askin' a creature you loathe for details from the other side. Everyone slips up sometimes, even the good ones. Look at me; famous Slayer killer who couldn't kill his third."

"And you're not going to."

He rolls his eyes. "I recall tha' if it wasn't for me _you_ would've been regrouped into separate piles of Slayer." And then he throws his fist and it hits my wound. I cry out in pain, recoiling back, and he does the same, only he's holding his head. I wonder if that was worth it for him.

We look around at the people staring at us. I glare at them, and of course they quickly go back to minding their own business. "So that's it?" I ask him. "Lesson over."

"Not even close. C'mon." He takes one of the pool-stick things and stalks outside. I hesitate before I follow him.

I see him standing ready for a fight, stick in hand. "Give it to me."

Instead he takes a swing. I dodge, swing back, and he dodges too. I grab him by the throat and pin him against the wall. But then he starts laughing.

"What?" I'm really not in the mood for this. I came to learn, and so far he hasn't really taught me anything – other than confirming how big a pain in the ass he is.

"Lesson the Second: Ask the right questions," he says. "You wanna know how I beat them?" I step back. Now we're getting somewhere. "The question isn't 'How'd I win?' The question is 'How'd they lose?'"

"What's the difference?"

He strikes out with the stick but stops, just inches away from my throat. I don't flinch. "There's a big difference."

I kick the stick away and it clatters to the ground. "How'd you kill the second one?"

"A bit like this." He swings for me, three times, and I dodge.

"That didn't hurt?" I ask. He's tried to hit me before, and all he got was a headache in return.

"I knew I couldn't touch you," he explains. "If there's no intent to hurt you, then no migraine for me. If on the other hand…" He shifts into his game face and tries to run at my, but he doesn't even get a step before he's crying out in pain and holding his head.

Serves him right. I watch as the game face shifts away. "Funny. Do it again."

He laughs it off. "See? Now that hurt," he points out, as if it wasn't obvious.

I'm tired of playing around. "Yeah? This hurt too?" My fist shoots out and I get him in the gut, before I hit him in the face and send him to the ground.

"Definitely." He looks up at me, but not in disgust. It's the same look I saw on him when he told me about the first Slayer.

_And_ ew. He's getting off me hitting him. Gross. "How'd you kill them, Spike?"

He shoots up and throws his fist, but it's clumsy and I grab it easily before flipping him over my shoulder. I sit on top of him, stake out and ready, and he grabs my hand before saying through gritted teeth, "You're not ready to know."

"I'm _ready_."

"OK, then. It went a bit like this." He grabs me and throws me over his head so I roll. It doesn't hurt, so no headache. He jumps to his feet. "The first one was all business, but the second one… Now, she had a touch of your style." He starts throwing punches – my guess the same punches he threw at that other Slayer – and I block him every time. "She was cunnin', resourceful, and did I mention, _hot_? I could've danced all night with that one."

"You think we're dancing?" What does that even mean?

"It's all we've ever done."

I grab him and throw him away. He reaches down and picks up the stick before twirling it in his hand. "The bad thing 'bout dancin' is you never get to stop. Every day you wake up to the same bloody question tha' haunts you: Is today the day I die?" He brings the stick down and I block it, before I punch him in the face.

We spin, and I trip him so he falls to the ground. He remains there on his knees, looking up at me with that insightful look he gets that I hate. It means that he knows what he's talking about, and usually he's right. "Death is on your heels, baby. And sooner or later, it's gonna catch you. Part of you wants it. Remember what you said yesterday? What that witch told you? Death is a Slayer's Gift; it's your art. You make it with your hands day after day. That final gasp; that look of peace. And part of you is desperate to know… What's it like? Where does it lead you? And now you see, that's the secret; not the punch you didn't throw or the kicks you didn't land. She merely wanted it. Every Slayer has a Death wish."

_Death is a Slayer's Gift…_ I can't move. I can't even bring myself to hit him.

"Life gets tough, and you want out." He rises to his feet. "The only reason you've lasted as long as you have is 'cause you've got ties to the world; Mum, sis, Scoobies, Watcher… Their love keeps you here. But you're just puttin' off the inevitable. Sooner or later you're gonna want it, and the second – the second," He claps his hands in front of my face, "that happens, you'll know I'll be there. I'll slip in and have myself a real good day."

I want to look away but I can't keep my eyes off him. That's…that's what it means by 'Death is the Gift of the Slayer'. It's because they want it. Life gets too hard, and they want it to end. How many times have I wanted to escape this life? I know now there's only one escape…and that sometimes, part of me _does_ want it.

Spike smirks. "Here ends the lesson. I just wonder if you'll like it as much as she did."

I want to yell at him. I want to tell him he's wrong. I want to beat him to a pulp. But I can't, because he's right. All he did was tell me what I wanted to know. I asked for it. He could've been a little quicker about it, but I got what I came for.

I wordlessly take the cash out of my pocket and let it scatter around him. He looks down at it and then back at me; his eyes are questioning and confused.

I say nothing as I turn and walk away. There're no more questions except one: Why was Boudicca's Gift different?

_You love with all your heart…_

_Their love keeps you here… _

Boudicca and I are connected, I realize. How? I don't know.


	5. Chapter Four: Psyche and Eros

**Chapter Notes**: A big thank you to everyone who voted for me at the SunnyD awards! I won **Best New Author**, **Best Romance** (for _A Thousand Years_) and **Best Movie Crossover** (for _La Belle et la Bête_). I was also Runner Up for **Best Fluff** (also for _La Belle et la Bête_).

* * *

><p>I tell Giles the next morning.<p>

"As much as it pains me to say this, I do believe Spike has a point," says Giles. "I recall watching several Slayers during my training; they were serious and unemotional. There was no life in them."

"And no reason to live," I finish. "It explains why I've lived for so long; friends and family to keep me company. Spike said it's their love tying me here. I think that's why I had the dream."

Giles looks at me questionably. "How so?"

"The witch said Boudicca was full of love," I explain. "The love for my family and friends – their love for me – is what's keeping me here. It's stopping me form getting that stupid Gift. If I've learnt anything from living on the Hellmouth, it's that there're no such things as freaky coincidences."

Giles nods. "At least we know now how to keep you alive."

"Bring on the love." I nod in agreement.

I leave and make my way to Psych class. I think about the hot TA waiting there for me. Riley and I haven't kissed yet, and things are going OK. I'm not distant like I was with Scott, and I'm not desperate like I was with Parker. I'm taking things slow, just so I know I'm making the right choice. Having a boyfriend is another great tie to the world.

* * *

><p><em>I am Psyche, the Vampire Slayer. And I have been captured by the very creature I am supposed to kill. <em>

_Only the vampire does not want to kill me. _

_It began when Zephyr, my Watcher, warned me that the powerful vampire Aphrodite wanted me dead. Pan wanted to take the fight to her. I refused. He is an ordinary man; he would not stand a chance against a normal vampire, let alone a powerful one. _

_Love does dangerous things to men. _

_I was later told that Aphrodite sent another vampire to do the deed; Eros. I was on my guard as I hunted him, and was able to stake several vampires I came across. But Eros was clever; he knew to stay out of the range of my senses. I knew he was watching me – I knew the whole time – but I could not find him. _

_Frustration with Pan took me off my guard. Eros attacked me and I was pushed into the darkness of unconsciousness. Only, Eros did not finish me off. Instead he spirited me away to a place I do not know, and locked me in a room too dark for me to see anything. _

_That is where I am now. _

_He never tries to kill me. At night when I sleep, he enters the room to sleep next to me. He remains on his side at all times. He never touches me, though he has tried to give into the urge. I can always sense his fingers, close enough to touch, but I do not. It is wrong, and I do not understand what he is doing. _

_I decide that I need to kill him. For it is my duty as the Slayer, despite the actions of the vampire. When he is absent I am able to snap the wooden bed post. There are no sharp objects in the room, so I am forced to use my teeth in order to sharpen my new stake. Only when I am done, days later, do I realize that I cannot see where his chest is. _

_So I rip a strip from the bed sheets and wrap it around the blunt end of the stake. I wait for Eros to come to me before I light it. _

_I am able to use various objects around the room to create a spark. Eros hears me, for a vampire's hearing is better than a Slayer's, and he tries to stop me. But he retreats from me when I hold the torch towards him, and then I see his face for the first time. _

_And he is beautiful. _

_I forget about killing him. How can I kill something with a face such as his? I drop the torch and stomp it out, before I fall into his arms and kiss him. _

_He kisses me everywhere. He tells me that he loves me – has loved me since he first saw me – and I believe him because otherwise I would already be dead. He tells me how beautiful I am, and I cry in happiness. Pan never told me I'm beautiful. _

_Eros carries me to the bed and lays me down. Then he's on top and making love to me. I do not see him shift into his demonic face, but I sense it. I do not have to see it to know that his face is still beautiful. I know he will not hurt me. _

_He bites me and claims me as his. I accept that claim and sip his blood. And as we sleep I am overwhelmed with happiness. _

_I do not sense the danger coming, and neither does he. _

_Light floods the room from the open door. I open my eyes and see Zephyr and Pan, staring at me and the man lying next to me. I watch as Pan is consumed by jealousy, and I am too late to stop him from driving a stake through the heart of my lover – the stake I had carved myself. _

_The pain of his loss fuels my anger. I grab Pan and snap his neck without a second thought. Then there is an arrow in my heart._

* * *

><p>I jolt awake and my hand instinctively goes to my heart.<p>

"Buffy?"

Willow is looking at me in concern. I see that she has been awake longer than me, for she is already dressed and preparing for the day's classes.

"Another dream," is all I say as I sit up in bed.

"Oh." She hesitates. "Shall I call Giles?"

I nod. "Xander, too. And…ask if Spike's there. At Giles's."

Willow pauses and looks at me again. "Was Spike…?"

All I can do is nod.

Willow calls Giles and Xander while I get myself ready. On the way out she tells me that Spike isn't at Giles's, but he might be when we get there. I expect him to be; if he really did share the dream with me like the last time…

He's there when we arrive. He's sat in the armchair he seems to have commandeered as of late, and watches me as Willow and I join the group. He doesn't sneer or glare; he just watches me, almost curiously.

Giles speaks first. "Spike has informed me that the two of you experienced another dream last night."

"Sort of different this time," I say. "Another Slayer. Greek, I think. Her name was Psyche."

"Psyche… I cannot say I've heard of her." Giles walks over to his bookshelf. "And the vampire?"

"Eros," Spike speaks up.

Giles pauses and turns to us both, just as Willow's eyes light up and she gives a cry of, "Oh!"

"What?" I ask.

"Eros and Psyche! It's a Greek fairy tale!" Willow is practically glowing with excitement, but Giles doesn't share her enthusiasm and instead takes his glasses off to clean. "It's a Roman one, too. Only Eros is known as Cupid in their version."

"Cupid?" I blink. "You mean the diaper guy with the little wings and the arrows that make people fall in love?"

Spike chuckles. "Turns out he's a vamp. That's irony for you."

"Well, that's _my_ Valentine's Day ruined," says Xander.

"It's fairly well known," explains Willow. "But not too well known like _Cinderella_ and _Snow White_. Eros fell in love with Psyche, and she was told to sleep with him every night in a dark room without ever seeing his face."

"Same in the dream," I say. "Only the vamp kidnapped her. Talk about Stockholm Syndrome."

"Psyche fell in love with him," Willow continues. "But then she was convinced through distrust to light a candle and look upon his face as he slept. Eros was taken from her, and Psyche searched to the ends of the Earth to get him back."

I wince. "That's…not what happened when Psyche saw his face. Things got a little hot in that room."

"Again?!" Xander looks horrified.

"It's not us, it's _them_!" I complain.

"And then that Watcher and man had to ruin everything," says Spike.

Giles stands at this. "A Watcher?"

"It happened in the last dream as well. We must've forgotten to mention that last time," I say. "The girl's Watcher and a man in love with her show up. The man kills the vampire, the Slayer kills the man, and the Watcher kills the Slayer."

"He killed his own Slayer?!" Giles is both horrified and angered.

"Probably disgusted tha' she slept with a creature she's s'posed to kill," says Spike. He then turns to look at me. "He really killed you… I mean, the Slayer? I woke up after the vamp was killed, both times."

I nod. "It's kinda scary."

"What do these men look like?" asks Giles.

"I don't know," I reply. "Their faces are blurry."

"Same here," says Spike. "Though I was shocked to see Dru there."

I sit up. "Drusilla? What was _she_ doing there?"

"She was Aphrodite." Spike smirks. "The one who sent Eros to kill the Slayer – just 'cause the Slayer was prettier than her. 'Course, things didn't go to plan, and he ended up fallin' for the chit instead. What a wanker."

"The whole death thing could be a metaphor for losing him," says Willow. "And now Psyche is searching for him." She gives me a meaningful look.

I look at her and wonder what she's thinking. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Think about it," she says. "Boudicca is told that she'll find her Gift in two thousand years. Twelve times she'll die and twelve times she'll return. That sounds like reincarnation to me."

"Reincarnation…" It would make sense.

Willow nods. "Psyche is the second reincarnation. My guess is that it kept happening for two thousand years…right up until now. And since you and Spike are having the dreams and they look like you…"

My eyes widen and I look over at Spike. He looks at me like my mirror image; wide eyes of horror. We both jump up.

"EWWWW!"

"Bloody hell!"

"We are _not_ reincarnated lovers! We're just _not_!"

"It…it was just a suggestion." Willow lowers her head and I see the shame and guilt in her eyes.

I sit down next to her. "It's OK, Wills. It probably _is_ reincarnation, 'cause it _does_ make sense. It's just…Spike. I mean, ew."

"I'll take your 'ew' and raise it to horrified laughter," says Xander.

Spike grits his teeth. "Bloody, buggerin' _fuck_. This is wha' I get from comin' back to Sunnyhell; a chip shoved up my brain and Slayer-fuckin' nightmares. 'Course, the last part ain't so bad; I always knew fuckin' a Slayer would be better than fightin' one."

I rise from my seat again, cross the two steps separating us and punch him in the jaw. Hard. It sends him flying.

"Get the hell out of here, Spike."

"Gladly." He pulls his coat over his head before opening the door and running out into the sunshine.

"Well, this is peculiar."

I turn to where Giles is standing by the bookcase. There's a book open in his hand.

"What's peculiar?" I ask.

"This is the index that lists every single Slayer there has ever been," says Giles. "But Psyche is not on the list."


	6. Chapter Five: Instinct

A night at the Bronze is just what I need to take my mind off the erotic "reincarnation" dreams. I get that it could be reincarnation – it really would make sense – but I can't stand the thought of Spike and I…

I shudder.

Thankfully Riley doesn't notice. I decided to bring him along because he's never been here, and it's like sharing a part of myself with him. And I can't exactly share the whole Slaying deal with him. All I want is a nice, normal night with a guy who could become my nice, normal boyfriend.

I ignore the voice in my head that keeps whispering doubts to me; that if he truly cared, he would be able to tell that something's wrong with me. The voice reminds me of what happened with Owen, and that it could happen again if Riley gets caught up in my so-not-normal life. He could die, or worse.

Funny. Angel said back then that the Slayer can't date someone normal. So why did he tell me to find a normal guy before he left? And _there's_ an interesting bit of information I can store away to contemplate later.

While Riley goes to get drinks, I look around to see if there's anyone I recognize. I know my friends aren't here; Willow's helping Giles with research on what the dreams mean, and Xander's spending the evening with Anya. Still, I scan the club to see if there's anyone else I recognize…

I sigh and clench my fist when I spot a familiar head of bleach blonde by the bar.

I took the night off in order to get away from anything that has to do with the dreams. Why does he have to show up and ruin everything?

He hasn't noticed me, meaning he's not here to purposely annoy me. He's just drinking and snacking on that weird onion thing he's taken a liking to. But seriously, why does he have to show up here? Can't he go bother the demons at Willy's?

I decide to just ignore him when Riley walks over with our drinks. "Here you go. I can't believe I've never been to this place before. Mostly just stuck to frat parties."

"Frat parties can be overrated," I say. I remember my first one with Cordelia – when we were almost fed to a freaky demon snake. Then there was the one with Parker where Spike and Harmony made cameo appearances, and then there was the one not too long ago when Xander pulled me away once again on account of Spike…

Is that vampire seriously trying to ruin my life? I look over at him again; he still hasn't noticed me, and I'm hoping it stays that way.

"So…" I turn my attention back to Riley as he speaks. "Why don't you tell me a bit more about yourself? Because all I really know about you is that you're pretty, and… Well, you're a mystery. And I know I've gone into that before, but…you really are."

I smile. "You know, you're the first guy I've met who actually _wants_ to know more about the mystery beauty," I say. "Most guys think that's enough; finding out more takes the edge off it, and doesn't keep them guessing. You know, stuff like that."

I want to tell him about my life – but leaving out the Slaying side, there really isn't much to tell. And I really don't feel comfortable keeping that huge part of my life from him. But at the same time, I know I have to because I don't want things to go wrong; he could hate it and leave me, or he could like it a little _too_ much and put himself in danger.

"Then call me the curious cat who doesn't want to keep guessing," says Riley. "Relationships are built on honesty, and I want us to be honest with each other."

Great, he just has to make me feel even guiltier. Why can't he just take me as the mystery girl I am and accept that? I don't wanna scare him off, and I don't want him to get hurt. Why can't he already know stuff about demons and vampires? Like…

I look over at Spike. He's still sat there; he still hasn't noticed me. He's just minding his own business.

"Why don't I start?" says Riley, but only part of me listens to him. He tells me stuff about Iowa and where he grew up, and I want to be interested, but it just sounds so…normal.

I keep looking between Riley and Spike. I really can't help it. I call Spike annoying, but at least I'm usually interested in what he has to say. Sure, mostly because it's my job, but it still holds my attention.

And Spike has that scar on his eyebrow which he got fighting his first Slayer; he's a guy who's been in fights. Riley has muscles, and he can probably hold his own in a fight, but he has no scars to show for it. His skin looks too perfect, like it's been blessed by the same holy water that can burn Spike to a crisp. And Riley has this round face which doesn't really fit with the rest of his body, and his hair is pretty lifeless too, while Spike's face flows with his body and his hair stands out…

Oh. My god.

I'm comparing Riley to _Spike_.

And I'm finding _Spike_ more attractive.

I have eyes; I know Spike's a looker. But I'm _not supposed to acknowledge that_.

It must be the dreams; it has to be. Being in another body and having a vampire who looks like Spike make love to me… It's gonna do _something_ to a girl. But I've gotta ignore it. This is _Spike_, for crying out loud. Here I am with a nice, normal guy who won't break my heart, and I'm thinking about a soulless killer like he's a potential lover. My life is seriously messed up.

When I turn back to Riley he's looking at me expectantly. I realize that he's finished his story – all I got from it is that he's a farm boy from Iowa – and is waiting for me to say something.

"Um… OK, I'm gonna be honest, I missed that last part," I admit. "Sorry, I thought I saw a girl from high school, and…"

"That's alright," he says. I can see his slight frustration that I haven't been paying attention to him, but I'm the one in the wrong; I should've been listening. "As I was saying-"

Suddenly the lights go out and the music stops, and everyone looks around. I'm able to see slightly better in the dark, and I look over at Spike. But it's not him; he looks just as confused as everyone else.

I wonder if it could be vampires deciding to pull off an elaborate attack, but then a smoke bomb goes off.

"Buffy." Riley pushes me behind him. Sweet, but I can take care of myself. I move away to try and get a look at what's going on.

Commandos. They enter through the various doors around the Bronze, some holding scanners while others have guns. I don't understand why they've attacked, and in a crowded place, as well. Why would they?

My question is answered by Spike bolting out the door. The commandos see him go and hurry after him. Once they're gone, the lights come back on and the music starts to play again. In typical Sunnydale fashion, everyone goes back to what they were doing like nothing happened.

"You OK, Buffy?" asks Riley.

But I'm not listening. My focus is on the door where Spike disappeared with the commandos giving chase. I think back to the dream, and how Eros was killed right in front of Psyche…and how in the fairy tale version Eros was taken…

I'm suddenly filled with fear, and instinct takes over. "I have to go." I'm out the door before Riley can reply.

I follow my senses through the alleyways surrounding the Bronze. Despite the fact that Spike's been captured by the commandos before, I know he can outrun them and outsmart them, if he puts his mind to it. But I'm still worried, because the commandos are human and if cornered, Spike can't fight back. He's defenceless and helpless, and that's not right.

I find them in an alley. Spike is cornered as I feared, and the commandos have him surrounded. I see one of the men preparing their Taser.

Dread fills me and I react. I grab the man from behind and throw him into a wall. There are three other men with him, but they pose no threat to me. I throw one over my shoulder and he lands in a dumpster. Another tries to take out his Taser but I hit it away before giving him a blow to the face; he falls unconscious. The last has taken out his scanner to see what I am, but I don't let him finish; I kick the scanner out of his hand before spinning on my heel and kicking him in the face. He too falls unconscious.

The last thing I do is step on the scanner, smashing it to pieces.

"Oh, it's the Slayer," says Spike. "For a second there I was worried."

His voice helps me override the instinct that took over, and I suddenly realize what I've done. I've hurt humans. Granted, I've hurt humans before in self-defence, but this time I was defending a _vampire_. And not just any vampire, but _Spike_.

I hear the man in the dumpster starting to come around. "We have to go." I run, and he runs behind me. I don't stop until I'm certain we're far enough away so they don't catch up.

"So what was _that_ all about?" asks Spike.

I stop and turn on him. "I think you know, Spike. The same thing probably happened to you when you saw _me_ in trouble."

He knows what I'm talking about; the night he saved me from that other vampire. He sighs. "What are these dreams doin' to us, Slayer? They're…they're makin' us feel things we shouldn't be feelin'."

"Tell me about it," I say. "I mean, these people aren't us, and yet we're feeling the same feelings as them. I know that I still hate you, but at the same time I can't stand the thought of something happening to you."

"Same here."

We look at each other, hard, and in his eyes I see something. It was in Brennus's eyes when he looked at Boudicca, and in Eros's eyes when he looked at Psyche. I remember Willow's words about how we could be the latest reincarnation of them, and if we are then that means…

I turn away and run. He does too, in the opposite direction. I'm disgusted, but more than that, I'm terrified. If we really _are_ reincarnations of these past Slayers and vampires, then what does that mean for us? Will the same thing happen?

I don't want to die – but more than that, I don't want to fall in love with him. It just can't happen. Really, seriously can't. Just…no. I'll just have to ignore my instincts and the almost overwhelming emotion that hits me after the dreams.

Only when I get back to my dorm do I remember that I left Riley alone at the Bronze.


	7. Chapter Six: Marcellina and Flavius

_I am Marcellina, the Vampire Slayer. And I am a warrior fighting the wrong battles. _

_A Slayer's duty is to kill the vampires and the demons that plague this land. And I do, but in the wrong way. A Slayer must be out in the open, hunting and killing the creatures that threaten the innocent in the streets of the night. _

_A Slayer should not be imprisoned in the great Colosseum, forced to fight for the amusement of the wealthy while the poor are dying. _

_It is the fault of my Watcher, Augustus; he is an advisor to our Emperor, a frequent spectator of my battles. He wished for entertainment, and Augustus gave him me. It is a loophole; I am still performing my duty, only now I must do it as a prisoner while my Watcher receives the wealth he does not deserve. _

_Worst of all, I have been promised to Lucius, the Emperor's son. _

_Every day is the same; during the day I fight the various demons the army has captured. There are different species, and I notice that not all of them are harmful. Some have no interest in fighting and simply stand in protest. They understand that I have to kill them; all of them want it, for they prefer death by my hand over any other option. Then in the evening I fight the vampires; how many there are depends. _

_Today is different. Things have changed, for I am to fight Flavius. _

_Flavius was once a warrior of the Roman army until he was turned. He became the prize; the one vampire every soldier wanted to capture. It took an entire army to finally take him down. _

_But he was not killed; the Emperor wanted him alive. He wanted Flavius to fight in the Colosseum, against his own kind and demons combined. Unfavourable odds, but Flavius bested them every time. I have watched him before, and he is truly a skilful warrior. _

_And now I am to fight him. Having been promised to Lucius, I have to wonder why. _

_It is nightfall when we are forced into the open. I am given a sword and told by my Watcher to keep the battle going as long as I can before I stake him. Does he think I can beat him? I myself am uncertain of my chances. _

_We walk towards one another before turning to the Emperor to bow. But when we are knelt, I hear Flavius speak beside me. _

"_It will be a great honour to fight you, Vampire Slayer," he says. "And yet I do not want to. I would rather fight by your side. Follow my lead, and do not hesitate to do what you have to do to earn your freedom." _

_I know vampires are fast, but I realize that I never knew just how fast when I see Flavius charge towards the soldiers guarding the walls. He cuts them down without hesitation. _

_He wishes to escape – and wants me to come with him. _

_I have contemplated escape before, but every time I did I realized that I am only a single warrior; I would never be able to escape alone. But here now – with a warrior of equal skill and strength by my side – I may stand a chance. I forget that he is a vampire. I desire my freedom more. _

_I take out my sword and follow him. The first soldier I meet is the one who guards me in my chambers; Servius. He has always at least tried to act friendly towards me, and I cannot bring myself to kill him. So I instead hit him with the hilt of my sword, knocking him out. _

_I am not so merciful towards the other soldiers. I kill them in my determination to escape. Flavius is the first over the wall and into the crowd, and I follow him; his ability to jump is as great as mine. I never knew just how alike vampires and Slayers are. It is almost poetic. _

_Neither I nor Flavius attack the people in the crowd. They are innocent, and while I doubt that would stop Flavius, he does not need to harm them; they flee from us. We run through the tunnels to the exit. _

_Outside more soldiers are waiting for us, but we defeat them easily enough. Only a single soldier chases us as we make our escape from the Colosseum forever. _

_I cannot help but smile as I run. I am free. And a vampire – a creature I am supposed to kill – helped me escape. _

_We run into a building we both know would be abandoned at this time of night; the local bath. The water is still and calm, and both the starlight and the moonlight reflect off of it like the water is a gateway to another world; a world that is simply the sky. A world that would be homed to the Gods, I can only imagine. _

_The lone soldier who has followed us tries to strike. By this time I am surprisingly tired, and that gives him the advantage. He knocks the sword from my hand before throwing me off balance. I fall into the water. _

_Only when I am underneath the surface do I recall that I am still wearing my armour, and it is dragging me down. I am strong, but the water is stronger and it pulls me further to the bottom, away from the air I need to survive. _

_I see Flavius dive into the water and swim down to me. He takes me into my arms, and then to my shock, he places his lips upon mine. _

_Then he breathes air into me. It is strange, because I know that vampires do not need to breath. Their lungs no longer work. Did he take in air just for me? To save me? _

_As he keeps his lips on mine, his hands get to work taking my armour off. It does not take him long, and before I know it he is pulling me up to the surface. We break through and I take in several deep breaths. Then together we swim to the edge of the bath and pull ourselves out of the water. I see the dead body of the soldier who caused me to fall in. _

"_Why did you save me?" I ask. _

"_Because you deserve to die a warrior's death," he says. "And I meant what I said before; I wish to fight by your side instead of against you. I may be one of the monsters you are supposed to slay, but I will always be a warrior. I have longed to find another warrior who is my equal in every way – and that warrior is you." _

_I am uncertain as to who makes the first move, but it is not long before our lips are once again joined. Then we are bare before one another and celebrating our victory in a way I have never experienced. _

_He changes his face so I can see the demon within him, but I am not afraid. Not even when he bites into my neck. "Mine," he says. _

"_Yours," I agree. Then he bites his lip and kisses me again, and I swallow the blood that flows into my mouth. _

_We are warriors; equals. And we shall always fight side by side. _

_Our moment of passion is shattered by the arrival of Augustus and Lucius, both of whom are disgusted by what I have done. Lucius does not hesitate to kill Flavius, and for once in my life, I cannot do a thing as my equal turns to dust. _

_I snap Lucius's neck. _

_And then Augustus kills me._

* * *

><p>I wait as Giles fishes out the right diary from his collection. I can't look at Spike, and he can't look at me. At least we're on the same page.<p>

"So are you a natural blonde?"

Or at least I _think_ we're on the same page. Sort of.

"Huh?"

He looks at me curiously. "In the dream. It was you, but you had dark hair instead of blonde. Same when you were a Greek bint. The hair was a little lighter when you were a Celt, but-"

"They aren't me!" I deny. "And yes, this blonde is natural. Do I even _need_ to ask if yours is?"

"Well, at least you two are back to fighting again," says Willow. "Being all awkward and quiet is kind of wiggy."

"_That's_ what you're wigged about?" asks Xander. "I'm more freaked out by the fact that they're practically _sleeping_ together! As in, _sleeping_! With a _vampire_!"

"We're _not_," I tell him. "It's not us." And yet the lingering feelings are there. It has to be the dream. Whenever I have one, I'm the Slayer in every sense of the word; I see what she sees, I think what she thinks, I feel what she feels…

And it's the same with Spike. If there's one thing these dreams have made me realize, it's that despite his soulless status, he – and the other vampires before him – can still love. I can't deny the emotions I see in the eyes of each dream vampire. Besides, if Spike can't feel anything, what was Drusilla to him?

"Ah, here we are." Giles sits down with a book in his hand. "Marcellina was a Roman Slayer in the 3rd century. She was well known for fighting and slaying vampires and demons in the Colosseum for the entertainment of others."

"Does it say how willing she was?" I ask bitterly. It makes me angry, seeing her being kept as a slave by her own Watcher. I really hate the Council right about now – well, more than I did before. "Because if it says she was willing, that's a load of crap. She was being forced to stay there and fight."

"I am beginning to distrust what these diaries state as fact," says Giles. "Things changed one day when she chased an escaped vampire – Flavius, was his name – out of the arena. She was able to kill him before she fell into a Roman bath and drowned."

"Boy, did they get their facts mixed up," I say. "She and Flavius escaped together; an 'Enemy Mine' kind of thing. A soldier chasing them pushed her into the bath and she _almost_ drowned, but Flavius saved her. He breathed air into her while he took off her armour to stop her from sinking."

"Breathed air?" Giles takes off his glasses. "Vampires cannot breathe."

Spike scoffs. "'Course we can breathe. Most of us just choose not to. How'd you think we talk? How can I smoke if I can't breathe? Think, people. Use common sense."

I nod. "Then afterwards they…um… OK, you probably know what I mean."

"The less you say about it, the better," says Xander.

"Then the same thing happened as last time; both her Watcher and a man show up, the man kills the vampire, the Slayer kills the man, and the Watcher kills the Slayer." I don't reveal that Marcellina's pain from losing Flavius is still there within me.

Giles nods. "I can see a pattern here. Is there anything else you noticed?"

"Yeah," I reply, remembering. "Xander was in it."

"I was?" He sits up.

"You were Marcellina's guard, Servius," I explain. "You also seemed to be her only friend, or at least _tried_ to be. You didn't really help her in any way; you were only nice to her."

How can someone look both happy and sad at the same time? "Points for being nice – not so good that he let her resort to a _vampire_ to help her escape." He glares at Spike.

I'm surprised by my sudden flare of anger directed at him, but I push it down again. I then see Giles looking thoughtful. "Giles?"

"I have a thought." He rises and takes out another book – one of his spell books. "I wonder if perhaps I can use a spell to persuade you both to experience the other reincarnations – if that's what these dreams are – all at once. There is a spell here which allows people to dream about what they desire to know."

Spike doesn't look so sure. "I've never been one for magic; seen it go wrong one too many times."

"Do you want these dreams to go away or not?" asks Giles.

The vampire rolls his eyes. "Fine. We'll give this bloody spell a go."

* * *

><p>When I open my eyes, I'm sat in Psych class and Professor Walsh is talking about communication. I know this is a dream; I can't be sat in Giles's home one minute and here the next.<p>

Which means that the spell didn't work – unless a Slayer before me went to Sunnydale University and had Professor Walsh for Psych class.

I know it's a dream when I realize that Spike is sat next to me. Willow is on my other side, and she doesn't even notice that the vampire isn't supposed to be here. She doesn't even notice _me_, for that matter.

"Well, places like this have changed since I went," says Spike.

I'm surprised. "_You_ went to university?"

"Oxford," he says. "Was dull, now that I think back on it." He then looks over at where Riley is standing in the corner of the room. "Is that the wanker you tried datin'? You could do better."

"Buffy?"

I snap back to attention and find Professor Walsh looking at me. Along with the rest of the class. "Huh?"

"Could you come up to the front, please?"

Suddenly I'm standing up and walking to the front of the class. I realize that it's the usual Slayer dream; I'm aware that it's happening, but at the same time I can't control what I'm doing. I reach the front of the class. "So…?"

"Lie on my desk, please."

I look at her like she's grown another head. "What?"

"It's just a demonstration," she assures me. "You're perfectly safe."

Once again my body takes control and I lie on the desk. I guess it's OK; no harm can come from lying on a desk, right? Then she says, "William, can you come to the front, too?"

I only realize that she means _Spike_ when he's in front of me.

"Don't quite know what I'm doin'," he admits. "Don't seem to be in control of my body at the mo."

"Same," I say. "It's a Slayer dream."

Then he leans forwards and puts his arm around me. "Oh, buggerin' hell. Can you tell your Slayer dream to quit it?"

"First it's those reincarnation dreams, and now my Slayer dreams are making me do these things with you," I say out loud. "Do the Powers That Be really hate me that much?"

Suddenly he leans in closer so that our noses are touching.

"I hate you," he says.

"Mutual," I say back.

"I'll kiss you until the sun goes down." He frowns. "Don' know why I said that."

And then he kisses me.

It feels…nice. I mean, it doesn't feel gross like I expect it to, nor does it feel hot and passionate like it did when we were under the spell. Just…nice. I keep telling myself that this is a dream, and that I can get away with doing wrong things in dreams – wrong things like pulling him closer and deepening the kiss. And kissing him long enough that when we finally stop, the room is dark and everyone's gone.

Huh. He really _did_ kiss me until the sun went down.

"Fortune favours the brave," I say for some reason. I'm not spitting out the Spike-taste in my mouth, threatening to stake him or even just hitting him. But that's because I'm not in control. Stupid dream.

That's when we hear singing.

"What the…?" Spike looks towards the door.

I get up from the desk and follow the singing. I feel Spike walking behind me. As we walk through the dark hallways the voice gets closer, and I can make out what its saying.

"Can't even shout, can't even cry. The Gentlemen are coming by…"

It sounds like a little girl. We turn the corner and discover that's exactly who the voice belongs to; a little blonde girl wearing a red dress and holding a box in her hand.

"Regular horror film, this is," Spike comments. We walk closer.

"Looking in windows, knocking on doors; they need to take seven, and they might take yours," the girl continues. "Can't call to Mom; can't say a word. You're gonna die screaming, but you won't be heard."

I feel a hand on my shoulder – but it's not Spike's. I turn to see a skeleton face staring back at me.

I wake with a jolt, and Spike does too.

"So?" Giles, Willow and Xander stare at us, waiting to see if it worked.

I shake my head. "No history lessons," I say. "But that doesn't mean we didn't dream about something interesting."


	8. Chapter Seven: Don't Say a Word

I know the dream is definitely a Slayer dream, because Professor Walsh gives the exact same talk about communication. Only this time there's no Spike sat next to me, nor do I get called up to the front for any kind of demonstration.

For the most part I keep my focus on Professor Walsh, but on occasion I look over at Riley, who is leaning against the wall with his arms across his chest. All manly and everything. And yet I don't feel any excitement for him. I've only spoken to him once since the incident at the Bronze; I apologized for leaving him there, making the excuse that I found a friend from one of my classes who was drunk and helped them home. He seemed to buy it, but then things got awkward and I haven't seen much of him since.

I don't want to address the fact that after experiencing the feelings in my dreams, Riley just doesn't compare. He's safe, he's dependable and he's normal. But maybe that's the problem; I told Willow before that maybe relationships aren't exciting and true if there's no passion or pain. If you don't fight for your relationship to work, then is it really worth it? Have you really earned it? And Riley just seems _too_ normal. He wouldn't fit into my not-so-normal life.

Of course that doesn't mean I wanna jump into a relationship with Spike. I mean, ew – even if he isn't that bad a kisser. I'll just keep looking for that Mr. Right instead of trying to find something in Riley that honestly isn't there.

When the lesson is over, Willow turns to me. "So do you think Giles has anything on that dream?"

"I don't know." I shrug as I pack up my books. "He says it sounds familiar, and I'm certain it's not something I heard in my childhood."

"And Spike says he doesn't know anything about it," says Willow. "He usually knows things about the demon world, even if he _is_ a 'bottle-face-shoving' meanie."

I hate that Willow's brought Spike up, but at least it's not about the _other_ dreams. "I don't think he was even that interested – he was more concerned about Giles's lack of Weetabix." And sprinkling Weetabix into blood for texture? So, _so_ gross.

We both rise from out seats and make our way to the door. "At least he's found a crypt for himself now, so he doesn't have to hang around with Giles anymore," says Willow. "Although he keeps pestering Giles for money. He needs a job."

"Who needs a job?"

We both look up to see Riley stood before us. I cringe; I'm hoping he isn't going to try and ask me out again, since I've come to the realization that I'm not really that interested after all. But Riley's a nice guy; he'll understand, right?

"Oh, just something in Buffy's dream," says Willow.

"Dream?" He looks interested. "I may be able to help with that."

"Probably not," I say. "It's nothing special, and I barely remember it, anyway."

I hope to walk away with Willow, but then she makes the excuse that she needs to go meet with her Wicca group, and leaves me with Riley. Yeah, I may have forgotten to tell her that Riley and I probably won't work out. I'll tell her later.

"So, how are things?"

Awkward discussion-beginning talk. Not good. "Fine."

"Is that friend of yours OK now?"

I try not to bite my lip. Does he suspect anything? Would he have asked if he didn't? I don't know. "She's fine. She was embarrassed once her hangover wore off." Then taking in a deep breath, I decide to jump right onto the elephant in the room – if that's even the right metaphor for it. Fortune favours the brave, after all. "Look, Riley…I really am sorry that I left you, and I really didn't mean to. Drunk friend, and everything. But…since then I've been thinking, and…I don't really feel any sparkage between us. I mean, you're a nice guy but I can't pretend that there's something there when there really isn't."

I can tell that he's disappointed, maybe even upset, but he doesn't push. Nice guy, and all. "Alright. I can't force you to like me. I really like you – and I'll apologize in advance if I try asking you out in the next semester – but if you don't feel anything, then that's fine."

"I'm glad you understand."

* * *

><p>"But I thought things were going so well?"<p>

"I can't force myself to see things that aren't there," I tell Willow as we make our way back to the dorm later that evening. "I'll just be fooling myself. It'll be nice to have a boyfriend, but I don't wanna jump right into a relationship like I did with Parker."

"But Riley's not Parker."

"I know, but it's like I said before," I explain. "Riley's…_too_ normal. Too safe. Buffy needs passion. Isn't that what love's all about?"

Willow nods in understanding, but I can tell she's disappointed. Both she and Xander wanna set me up with someone, and the more normal the guy, the better in their books – despite the fact that Willow's former boyfriend was a werewolf and Xander's dating an ex-demon. So they can date non-normal people and I can't?

But Angel wanted me to date normal…despite saying back in sophomore year that it's impossible for me because I'm the Slayer. So he was trying to get me to date him back then, and now he wants me to go after normal even though he stated before that it's impossible…

I shake my head. I still don't wanna examine what that realization could mean when it comes to my ex.

I change the subject by asking Willow about her Wicca meeting, and she tells me it's a bust. No real witches, instead only wannabes who only talk about bake sales. She mentions that a shy blonde girl seemed interested in what she was talking about when she brought the subject up, but was shot down by the other girls.

"I might try and find her," she says.

I fall asleep hoping that tomorrow will be better.

* * *

><p>After I wake up, I go through the usual routine; go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, run a hand through my hair and all that other stuff. I pass a girl crying in the hallway, but I don't think much of it. When I enter my room again I see that Willow is awake, so I greet her 'good morning'.<p>

Only no voice comes out.

I try again, and then I notice that Willow can't speak, either. She mouths the suggestion that we may have gone death, but I shake my head. I can still hear my footsteps, the door still made a noise when it opened and closed… We just can't speak. I go back to the door and look outside; everyone else is having the same trouble as us.

Great. Something weird is going down. Must be Tuesday.

I signal to Willow that it's happened to everyone before the phone rings. Instinctively I hurry to answer it, and only when I pick it up do I realize that it won't work. I just put it down again, silently cursing Xander for being an idiot. Of course it's Xander. Giles isn't that stupid.

Once we're dressed, Willow and I go wandering through town. Everywhere is closed except for the liquor store, which is booming with business. I poke my head in at Willy's and find that the same thing has happened to the demon population, and all are just as scared and confused as us humans. Willy signals to me that he doesn't know anything, and I believe him.

After passing a public bible reading, Willow and I notice a guy selling white boards. We decide to buy some, knowing they'll help us with communication.

When we arrive at Giles's, everyone is there. Xander and Anya, a woman who Anya claims is Giles's orgasm buddy – I think her name's Olivia, or something like that – and Spike somehow made it here, too. Even Mom and Dawn are here. Both give me hugs, while Xander just stands and awkwardly waves at us.

Giles squeezes my shoulder while I look at his desk and notice that he's been researching. He shakes his head, telling me he hasn't found anything. The dream I shared with Spike is our only source of info about what's happening, and that was already vague. I tap my finger on the notepad detailing the dream, but Giles just shrugs.

Then I see that Spike has pre-written 'I didn't do it' message on a notepad, and I just roll my eyes.

The news comes on, and it's nice to hear a human voice again. The reporter states that the normal world is blaming a Laryngitis epidemic for everyone losing their voices, along with recent flu vaccinations. Sunnydale has been quarantined, meaning no one can leave and no one can enter. That makes things easier.

Having a thought, I write on my white board and show it to Giles. On it I tell him and the others to keep researching while I patrol the town later tonight. I'm worried about what people might do in such a state of panic, and if some people continue to wander aimlessly like I saw them doing earlier, then it'll be open season for vamps.

Giles nods, before gesturing to take Spike with me. I roll my eyes, but surprisingly, Spike doesn't argue. He writes on his notepad that he wants his voice back and is willing to help out in any way he can. And I guess patrolling is better for him; probably prefers it when he's hitting things.

The most exciting thing we see later that night is a car that's been crashed into a water hydrant. There's water spraying everywhere, and there's even a guy standing under the downpour with an umbrella. I never knew being voiceless could make people do strange things.

There don't seem to be any vampires or demons about, but there're people. We see two men fighting and I go to break it up by pushing them apart. The first guy seems to listen, but the other guy doesn't; he picks up a pipe, but before he can swing it Spike tries to snatch it off him. He obviously uses too much force, because his hand shoots to his head and he spasms out. The guy goes to take a swing at him.

Instinct takes over and I grab his wrist before snapping it. He can go to the hospital and get it fixed easily enough.

But then I realize that I've just saved Spike, and he realizes that he tried to save me. We stare at each other awkwardly before Spike silently suggests that we split up. To cover more ground, most likely. I see his point – I really can't be around him after that – and we go our separate ways.

I almost bump into Riley when I turn the corner. He silently asks if I'm OK, and I nod. We just stand there for what feels like minutes before I notice that he's leaning in to kiss me. I back away a few steps, shaking my head. I know situations like this can make people start acting like rabbits, but I'm not one of those people.

He gives me a sad look before moving away.

* * *

><p>Morning give us another clue to the puzzle. I discover that a guy in my building has been killed; his heart cut clean out of his chest. Giles reads the paper and discovers that a girl in the year above Dawn has been killed, too.<p>

We meet in one of the university lecture rooms in order for Giles to tell us what he's found. Mom needs to check the gallery so Dawn tags along, and sits next to Spike and Anya while the three of them share popcorn. The sight couldn't be any weirder even if they were wearing cowboy hats.

Giles switches on the projector before also putting on some old fashioned music to set the mood. He puts on the first clear-sheet-thing but it's backwards and upside down. Once set right, it reads, 'Who are the Gentlemen?' The next says 'They are fairy tale monsters', and also has a little drawing of them. Giles needs to work on his art skills.

The next asks 'What do they want?' Willow raises her hand and gestures to her heart, but of course Xander thinks she means her boobs, which gets an eye roll out of everyone. The next says 'Hearts' and includes some drawings of hearts. The next says 'They come to a town' and includes a drawing of two Gentlemen entering a town, and the one after says 'They steal all the voices so no one can scream' which includes the same two Gentlemen magically taking away everyone's voices.

The next is just the word 'Then', and then he places on a drawing of a Gentleman stabbing someone in bed. I hear a gasp and turn to see Dawn hiding her face in Spike's duster. Spike looks annoyed – but not at Dawn. He points at Dawn before pointing at the projection, making it clear that Giles really shouldn't be showing that kind of thing. I agree – and I'm surprised by Spike's actions. He does look genuinely angry that Giles scared Dawn.

The next picture isn't any better – the same Gentleman standing over the body with a heart in his hand – and I join Spike in anger at Giles. He gives us both a look of apology. The next says 'They need seven, they have at least two' and includes a drawing of seven hearts. Xander then clicks for attention and writes on his notepad 'How do we kill them?' I pump my fist into my hand to demonstrate.

Everyone just looks at me.

I suddenly realize what that looks like when I see Spike covering Dawn's eyes with his hand. So I take out my stake and do the same, which clears up the confusion. 'In the tales no weapon can kill them' plus a picture of an impaled Gentleman is Giles's answer, and then he shows another which says 'But the princess screamed once…and they all died' which also includes a picture, only this one is more satisfying; it's a screaming princess and a bunch of dead Gentlemen.

Willow takes out a Halloween CD, but Giles says 'Only a real human voice' and gestures to his throat. Using my white board I ask 'How do I get my voice back?' Giles just shrugs, before stating that Spike and I will patrol. His drawings of us are…not good. I'm _way_ too fat and Spike just looks ridiculous. We both complain but Giles ignores us. He gestures to the others and then to a book in his hand, meaning that everyone else is on research duty.

With the lecture over, I go over and pick up a picture showing a Gentleman. He's creepy-looking, and I have to wonder why he and his buddies want seven hearts.


	9. Chapter Eight: Deja Vu

Spike and I leave Giles's place at sunset.

Without Spike making his usual annoying and/or crude comments, he's not that bad to have around. He fights pretty well; I don't have to watch out for him when we come across a group of vamps. Maybe his voice is all I really hate about him – apart from the fact that he's a vampire and he's killed people.

I wonder if I can somehow get the Gentlemen to keep Spike's voice so I don't have to listen to him ever again. He'll be easier to tolerate having around, at least.

As we walk up a street near my home, I notice a floating Gentleman outside of someone's house. I gesture to Spike before pointing, and we both move in closer. Just as we're behind a bush ready to strike, something else jumps out at us. It's a minion, I assume; it's wrapped up like a mummy and is hunched over like Igor, and despite its clumsy movements it's surprisingly tough.

It's also not human, as Spike can hit it pretty easily.

Another one shows up and Spike and I fight one each. I notice the Gentleman floating away in the background, and I hope he hasn't got another heart; it's bad enough that I let at least two people die last night.

I break the neck of the minion I'm fighting. I turn to Spike and find him pinning the other one down, but it throws him off before taking off at a run. Spike and I exchange looks before following. Hopefully it'll lead us to where the Gentlemen have set up shop.

We soon arrive at the public pool. The surface is still, in stark contrast to the fight that's going on by the large watch tower right next to it. I look closer and realize that someone is fighting off the minions, and then I realize that someone is one of those commando guys. Next to me Spike stops and looks wary, and I don't blame him. I gesture for him to stay put before I hurry to the guy's defence. I don't know what side he's on in the bigger picture, but right now our motives are the same.

I pull a minion off him before throwing it into the wall around the pool. I fight off a couple more who notice me, and suddenly with most of them on me, I conclude that they must see me as the bigger threat. I carry on taking them down, snapping necks and throwing them around until there's none left and I turn to the soldier.

I'm shocked to find Riley staring back at me.

We can't really say anything to each other, and even if we could we wouldn't have a chance to; another minion appears and jumps on Riley. He falls against the watch tower and knocks himself out. I pull the minion off him and snap his neck, and then taking a look at Riley, I realize that something can come along and take advantage of his unconscious state. So I drag him towards the pool-side lavatory and stuff him inside the men's while trying not to take a step inside myself.

When I turn back to Spike I see him smirking, obviously at my reluctance to enter. I just ignore him as we both make our way back to the watch tower.

We hurry up the stairs, and the first sight that greets us is a dead lifeguard, who I can tell has been dead for days. I then look over and notice a table with jars on it; seven, with five full. One heart belonged to the lifeguard, who I can only assume was killed on the same night we lost our voices. Two more from last night, and then two from tonight. I hate that more people have died.

Suddenly I'm grabbed by three minions and Spike is tossed to the side. I struggle, but the minions are strong and they bring me before a Gentleman holding a scalpel. But before he can move towards me he's tackled to the floor by a very pissed off Spike who's in full vamp face. He then pulls a minion off me, and I'm able to shake the other two. I'm too busy fighting more minions to notice the same Gentleman sneaking up on me, and before I can do anything he stabs me from behind.

And it just pisses Spike off more.

He leaps at the Gentleman again, only this time he rips off the hand holding the scalpel. Green goo pours out, which is…eww.

I try to ignore the pain as I continue fighting, but then I'm grabbed from behind by a minion, who tries chocking me. Despite this I'm able to get a closer look at the table holding the jars, and I notice something I didn't see before; a box.

Not just any box. It's the one the little girl was holding in my dream.

I hit my hand against the wall to get Spike's attention. He looks at me, and I point at the table. He follows my finger and sees the box, and even though his eyes are yellow and animalistic, I can see him connecting the dots. He grabs a plank of wood before running at the table and smashing the box.

White dots flash out of it, two of which enter our mouths. The minion lets go of me in shock and I stumble backwards towards the window. Then, when I'm certain that my voice is back, I let loose a loud scream.

The heads of the Gentlemen explode while the minions crumble into dust – but one makes a last ditch effort to stop me and throws itself in my direction. I'm not expecting it, and I fall backwards from the force.

And since the window is the only thing behind me…

I smash through it, still screaming, and the minion on top of me turns to dust. I look down in time to see that I'm gonna land in the water, moments before I hit the surface. And the teachers at my school weren't kidding when they said water feels like concrete when you hit it from a great height.

The force stuns me enough that I start to sink. I try and swim to the top, but the leather jacket – the one Angel gave to me way back – weighs me down. Added to that the wound in my back and the slight blood loss that comes with it, not to mention my bruises from the fight, and things don't look good for me.

Then suddenly someone else hits the water above me, and I see Spike swimming downwards. Only then does the déjà vu hit; this happened to Marcellina and Flavius, and here now, it's happening to me and Spike.

I don't think about the implications of that. Too busy drowning.

Just as I'm getting flashbacks to the last time I drowned Spike reaches me, and instantly his lips are on mine and he's breathing air into my bursting lungs. It's not a kiss; his lips don't move and neither do mine. But it still _feels_ like one. It's a kiss of life. The irony's not lost on me that I'm being giving the kiss of life by a member of the undead.

Spike keeps his lips on mine as he pulls the jacket off of me, and with the wet leather no longer weighing me down, he pulls me up to the surface. Our lips only part when we break through the water with a gasp.

We're silent as we swim to the side, and silent still as we pull ourselves up and sit on the pool edge. The silence continues as we stare at one another, both realizing what's just happened.

Spike saved me – in the same way Flavius saved Marcellina all those centuries ago. I don't know what to be more wigged about; the fact that the save-age was the same or the fact that Spike _saved me at all_.

Of course, it's not the first time. He saved me from that other vamp when I hurt myself. And then there were his actions in the tower; he vamped out and attacked one of the Gentlemen twice, simply because that Gentleman meant to do me harm. It's the instinct that has taken over us recently; the need to protect one another despite the fact that we hate each other.

And yet, I can't bring myself to be angry at him. I could have died tonight. Plus, I'm doing the same; it's not just him.

Every time I see him in danger all I see are the others – Brennus, Eros, Flavius – turning to dust. And even though he never witnessed the death of each Slayer – Boudicca, Psyche, Marcellina – the fact that he knows they died is enough for him to have the same instincts towards me.

"Maybe," he says, breaking the silence at last, "they're part of us. I'm not sayin' they _are_ us. Just…part of us. Would explain why we go so crazy and protective when we see each other in danger."

I see what he means. I can't deny that we hold some form of connection to the Slayers and vampires of the past. Reincarnation, them being us… I don't think I can deal with that. But them being part of us, just a little bit… I can cope a little better, and it would serve as an explanation as to what's happening to us.

"So what do we do?" I ask. "How…how can we go on hating each other when things like this keep happening?" If we didn't hate each other then maybe all this would be easier to take in; easier to accept. It can't all be that hard and maybe if we're getting along we can figure this all our sooner…

That's when it hits me.

I don't hate him anymore.

Since the dreams have been happening I've been _trying_ to hate him. _Pretending_. Forcing myself to make it easier to cope. I don't like change; if I stop hating Spike then everything else will start changing, and it's so easy to hate Spike and doing so is like a reflex.

And so I never noticed when I went from genuinely hating Spike to pretending to hate Spike.

I don't even know why. All I know is that it's not just the dreams; he's been there, helping us out with stuff. He saved me – many times now. He told me about Slayers and their death wishes, and discussed the meanings of the dreams with us. He even goes out and slays both demons and his own kind. Just for kicks, of course, but every little helps.

And somewhere along the way, I just stopped hating him.

That doesn't mean I love him. That doesn't even mean I _like_ him. But I don't hate him anymore, and I doubt I ever will again.

He looks at me and his eyes widen, and through some weird Slayer sense I never realized I had, I know he's come to the same conclusion. "Slayer…"

"I don't…" I bite my lip; thinking it in my head is totally different to admitting it aloud. "I don't…think…I hate you anymore. Actually, I'm sure. I…don't hate you."

He looks a little surprised. "Yeah…same here. Bloody hell. I keep tellin' myself that I wanna rip your throat out, but every time I imagine it, it makes me sick. What the hell have you done to me, Summers?"

"I could ask you the same thing," I say. "Stupid dreams making everything complicated where we don't hate each other. It was so much easier when we wanted to kill each other."

He nods in agreement and our eyes meet. And for a moment, everything is easy; not hating him is easy, liking him is easy, loving him… The possibilities of what could happen between us feel so much easier to handle when I look into his eyes. In them I see Brennus, Eros, Flavius… And when I see them I feel the love they held for the other Slayers, and I feel the love those Slayers had for them.

I don't realize we're leaning towards one another until our lips touch.

The kiss is soft and tender, and something I _so_ didn't expect from someone like Spike. Most of our kisses during out faux engagement were heated and fuelled by passion, but some were tender like this. During the very rare times when I'm not pretending it never happened, I wonder about the tender kisses, before writing them off as part of the spell. I can't write them off as that now, because we're not under any spell and he's kissing me so gently… 'Gentle' is a word I never thought I'd use to describe Spike, but hey, I never thought I'd be kissing him, either.

Life's full of surprises.

The rational part of my brain keeps telling me to pull away as fast as I can – I may not hate him anymore but he's still a vampire and he's still evil – but the other part of my brain keeps pushing that part down and telling it to shut up. And that's fine with me, because to be honest, Spike's actually not a bad kisser, and…

"Buffy?"

I pull away faster than I thought I could and I turn to see Riley. He's staring at me in a mixture of confusion, hurt…and anger. _Great_.

"Riley…"

Spike takes one look at him before jumping to his feet. "I'm off." He grabs his duster from where he dropped it – probably when he jumped out of the window – before taking off at a run.

I don't blame him. There could've been trouble if Riley recognized him.

Once Spike's gone, Riley turns back to me. "So that's why you don't want to date me? Because you're smacking lips with that…_punk_?"

"He saved me from drowning," I reply honestly. "I guess I just…got caught up in the moment. Riley, I wasn't lying about what I said before; I don't feel anything for you. And I don't think we really have that much in common."

"So what was that, then?" He gestures to the bottom of the watch tower, where no more than ten minutes ago he and I were fighting back to back.

I hesitate. "It's a long story. I'm cold and I'm tired, and I can't deal with this right now."

"Right. I'll see you later." And with that he storms away, not even looking back – and not even bothering to ask if I need a lift.

When I reach the street I see Spike waiting for me. He doesn't say a word; instead he wraps his duster around me, and I accept the extra protection. It's not warm, but it wouldn't be, and it gives me an extra layer. We don't say anything as we start to walk back home, but if this misadventure has taught me anything, it's that sometimes we don't need to talk.

I later go back to retrieve the jacket Angel gave to me, only to find it gone.


	10. Chapter Nine: Primrose and Leanian

Part of me is glad when I hear that Riley is gone.

Christmas vacation. Most people are gone. I'm relieved that I don't have to try explaining to him about the whole Slayer thing – not to mention the whole Spike-kissage thing – although I know I'll probably have to once he gets back.

Oh, and while I'm on the subject…

Spike-kissage.

Spike kissed me. I kissed Spike.

I haven't told anyone. Not even Willow.

I wouldn't know what to say to anyone or how to explain it, mostly because I can't even begin to explain it to myself. I don't know what compelled either of us to lean forwards and touch lips, but I'm more wigged at the fact that I'm not wigging out as much as I should. Granted, it helps that Spike is a pretty good kisser…

OK, I need to stop thinking about Spike's lips and _focus_.

It could just be what he said; that those other Slayers and vampires are part of us and their lingering emotions are drawing us together. It would make sense – and would be a better option instead of the whole 'reincarnated lovers' theory Willow had. But the fact that we _have_ lingering feelings… What does that mean for us? Are we gonna be spending the rest of our lives not-quite-hating each other while also lusting after one another?

Because I've already found out how things like that really mess up your dating life.

In order to take my mind off the issue, I decide to sit with Dawn and watch a movie, since I'm back from the dorms for the holidays, and what are the holidays without the usual family movie? I'm at first excited that she's chosen _Beauty and the Beast_ since it's one of my favourite movies, but when I realize just how similar the romance is to my own predicament, I try not to pay too close attention to it.

About half way through the movie I drift off to sleep.

* * *

><p><em>I am Primrose Keats, the Vampire Slayer. And I have traded my father's life for my own. <em>

_I was horrified to discover that a vampire – one who calls himself Leanian – had taken my father hostage with orders that I must come and take his place. My father, Wilheard Keats, is an innocent, honest man who has never done wrong in his life. I have not even told him of my Calling as the Slayer. He does not deserve a fate such as this. _

_But when I informed my Watcher, Earle Eastmund, he told me that I was to instead storm the home of the vampire and kill him. I was also to take Cola Holt, a local demon hunter, to help me. _

_I had heard stories of Leanian and I knew I would not stand a chance against him, even with Cola at my side. It was then that I realized that my Watcher did not care about my father or me. _

_I was able to lose Cola on the way before I arrived. I gave up my freedom so my father could be given his, and Leanian – true to his word – let my father go. I was even allowed to say one last goodbye. _

_That was three weeks ago. Since then, I have been living in Leanian's company, which is surprising in itself – that he did not kill me the moment my father was gone. _

_Instead he allowed me to wander the house, wherever I felt like going. I was even allowed to leave the house in order to patrol the local villages for vampires and demons; he even came with me a killed a couple himself. I was greatly surprised, but not as surprised to discover that Leanian does not act like a vampire should at all. _

_He is polite, he is intelligent, he is kind, and he is…gentle. I found that I enjoy talking with him and enjoy his company in general. In spending time with him, I discovered that he is much more than a demon and a monster; he is still a man beneath that. My Watcher told me that there is nothing left of the man once he is turned into a vampire, and even Leanian himself confirmed that most of the time, this is the case. _

_But he also told me that sometimes, a vampire can be made wrong. _

_With three weeks having passed us by, I finally decide to ask him the question that has been pestering me all that time: why has he not killed me? If I am the Slayer and he is a vampire, why has he not taken the advantage? _

_His answer shocks me most of all. He wanted to show me – the Slayer of his kind – that not all vampires are monsters and need to be killed. He wanted to prove that some vampires can rise above that; can change. _

_He has proven that to me – and I realize that I have fallen in love with the man he has shown himself to be. _

_We kiss for the first time, and then he shows me his room – the only room where I was not allowed to venture before – where we make love. I have never known anything like it. _

_I once never believed in Claims because I did not believe a vampire could love, but I believe it now. So when he Claims me, I accept it and drink the blood on his lip to seal the connection. _

_But everything shatters when the house is broken into. I should have known that my Watcher and Cola would come looking for me. _

_They pause in the door when they see me in bed with Leanian, the two of us embracing intimately. Cola reacts first, and I see the seething jealousy in his eyes as he launches himself at Leanian. My lover is a skilled fighter, but I am his weakness, and in his haste to protect me he takes a stake to the heart and turns to dust before my eyes. _

_I scream in agony. The weight of the lost Claim consumes me, and in my rage I take Cola's head between my hands and I twist. His neck snaps as easily as a twig. _

_Then there is an arrow in my chest, and I know it was my Watcher who fired it._

* * *

><p>"Buffy!"<p>

I wake with a jolt and see Dawn looking down at me with concern in her eyes.

"D-Dawn?"

"You fell asleep," she says. I look past her to see the credits of the movie rolling, the familiar song – one I really don't wanna hear right now – playing in the background. "Did you have a nightmare?"

I hesitate before I shake my head. "Just a…dream."

Her arms cross in the way which always lets me know that she's not buying my words. "Uh huh. Then why are you crying?"

Only then do I realize that my face is wet and my make-up has run from the tears streaming down my cheeks. Yeah, I've really been spilling the water works. It's no surprise, considering the dream. The pain gets worse and worse every time I see _him_ turning to dust before my eyes.

It occurs to me then that I haven't told either Mom or Dawn about my dreams. I suppose I should at least tell Mom; she's usually good at giving advice, and she may be able to help wherever she can. She and Dawn actually seem to _like_ Spike for some bizarre reason, so that helps.

But I can't tell them now. I need to get to Giles's. "I…I have to go." I jump to my feet and hurry to get my coat. "Mom, I'm going to Giles's!"

"So you're not gonna say anything?" demands Dawn.

"I will when I get back." I slam the door and begin my long walk over. I know Spike will already be on his way.

* * *

><p>OK, the Powers That Be are just playing with me now.<p>

Considering the film I was watching right before I had the dream, I really should've seen the similarities long before Willow notices.

"OK, so that's, what, _two_ epic romances now?" I ask.

Willow shrugs. "Well, _Beauty and the Beast_ sort of has ties to the Eros and Psyche legend," says Willow. "There was also this Scandinavian legend which was a lot like the Greek fairy tale, but it had polar bears and trolls-"

"Yes, thank you, Willow." Giles has a book open in his lap. "So you say their names were Primrose Keats and Leanian?"

I nod, and Spike just shrugs. I notice that he's been uncharacteristically quiet; he's usually spewing out insults by now.

"Primrose." Willow smirks. "That's the 'rose' part of the fairy tale, and… I'll just stop now." She must've seen my widening eyes.

"She was a Slayer in France during the late 5th century," says Giles. "It says here that she still lived with her father, who was a merchant, and also constantly hunted vampires and demons with a well-known demon hunter named Cola Holt."

"The inventor of Coca-Cola?" No one laughs at Xander's attempt at a joke.

Speaking of Primrose's father… "The father was you, Giles."

He looks up in both surprise and interest. "Really?"

I nod. "You didn't have your glasses and you didn't wear any tweed, but it was you. So are people we know gonna be popping up in these dreams? They've popped up in all of them so far."

"Not the first one, luv." I jump, surprised by Spike's voice. Ah, so the vampire _can_ speak tonight. "There was that witch, but her face doesn't ring any bells."

"Same here." I sigh.

Giles looks hesitant. "What about the Watcher and the man who always seem to be the ones who…um…?"

"Kill us?" I finish. "Their faces are still blurry. I can't make anything out."

"I still can't understand why they look like Buffy and Spike." Xander glares at Spike, but to my surprise Spike doesn't glare back; he just avoids the gaze. Now that I think about it, he's been avoiding all of our gazes since he got here.

Did…did I do something wrong? Was the kiss not OK for him? Wait, why am I worried about that?

"Spike suggested that it may be because these Slayers and vampires are part of us somehow," I say. "Or it at least may have something to do with it. I don't know."

"They may not even look like Buffy and Spike at all," Giles suggests. "That may be just what they are seeing in their dreams, which would give the theory of these Slayers and vampires being part of them some credibility."

"I still like the whole reincarnation theory," says Willow. "And being the reincarnations of people who could be fairy tale characters? It's pretty cool."

Xander barfs. "Whatever you do, don't say it's 'romantic'. It's disgusting, Buffy having to sleep with that _thing_ over and over."

His words feel like a knife in my gut, and what makes the pain worse is that back when this all started, I would've agreed with him. And then I see Spike flinch, and… Knowing just how strongly Xander feels about the matter makes me feel sick with myself. Of course it's not because I'm actually considering what it would be like with Spike…but the notion keeps creeping into my brain…

I don't realize that I've bolted until I'm out the door and sat in the courtyard.

I sit on the step and try to stop the tears from coming, but one escapes. Everything just feels so…confusing. On the one hand I'm kicking and screaming against the thought that I can feel anything more for Spike other than seething hatred, but on the other… Those hidden parts of me that must belong to the Slayers before me are screaming out for him after centuries of separation.

It's tearing me apart.

I feel a presence next to me, and I look up to see Spike. He doesn't sit down.

"Look, I know this isn't my fault as much as it isn't yours, but…for what it's worth, I'm sorry this is happenin' to you. The Whelp's right; you shouldn't have to sleep with a creature you loathe."

And then he walks away – leaving me stunned.

I don't know what to say.

He apologized for what's happening…even though it's not his fault. And then calling himself a creature and saying that I loathe him… I thought I already told him that I don't hate him anymore? Unless he just meant 'vampire' in general…but sometimes I forget that Spike is a vampire, and this is one of those times.

I think about Primrose's realization and wonder.


	11. Chapter Ten: 'Tis the Season for Change

**Chapter Notes**: Funny how I'm putting up this Christmas chapter on Christmas Eve. Didn't plan it, but it worked out well. XD

* * *

><p>Christmas shopping is always such a drag.<p>

I mean, on the one hand, it's shopping. Yay retail therapy. But on the other hand, not really shopping for myself. Plus, hoards of people with the same intention, and reining in my Slayer strength is twice as hard than it is on a normal day.

Going at it alone just makes it worse. No one to talk to – or complain to – and no one to give a second opinion.

Which is why I'm more pleasantly surprised than annoyed when I see a familiar head of bleach blonde hair poking up among the racks of men's clothing. It's been a week since the last dream, and I haven't seen him since then. Neither have the others for that matter; not even Mom or Dawn.

And can I just say that mothers and sisters really don't get the badness behind the whole 'sharing erotic dreams' thing?

I watch Spike. I know I should just leave him to it…but the desire to see him again, especially after his apology, overwhelms me. That desire to be close catches me off guard, and I almost run as per my typical reaction of fight or flight when it comes to confusing emotions I just don't get. But the need to approach overrides my usual instinct, and I find myself walking towards him. In my head I just tell myself that he could steal something if I'm not around to keep an eye on him.

I'm surprised that he doesn't sense me before I reach him, and he jumps when I tap him lightly on the shoulder. His wide eyes of shock make me giggle.

"Oh. It's the Slayer. For a second there I was worried."

I don't stop smiling. "I didn't think demons celebrated Christmas."

"We don't," he says. "Just came to find myself some new shirts."

"And buy it with the money you "earned" through your "job"?"

"I _have_ money." To prove it he takes out his wallet and shows me the wads of cash tucked away inside.

If I was my usual self – before these dreams started – I would've called him out on the money. I would've accused him of stealing it from his victims, or just stealing it in general. But he could've just as easily won it at poker, or something; I know he plays it down at Willy's. Accusing him of every single crime under the sun whenever I see him isn't fair, and I shouldn't do it unless I have a good reason to.

He's in the mall, actually buying clothes with hopefully honest money…and even if it wasn't honest, it wouldn't do either of us any good if we started making a scene in front of everyone. It's Christmas, after all.

I look at the shirts he's picked out. "Didn't think you wore anything other than black or red." Some are blue and some are brown, although he does have a couple of black and red ones, too. Old habits die hard, I guess.

"Thought I'd try something new," he says with a shrug.

I'm about to suggest that he go into the changing rooms to try them on, but then I remember he's a vampire and doesn't have a reflection, and I feel silly for even _almost_ suggesting it. Besides, he's been around for over a century and it's not like he's grown; he should know his size buy now.

So I follow him up to the till and wait for him to pay for the stuff. It's only after we're out of the store that he gives me a questioning look. "Why you hangin' around for, Slayer? I'm not here to cause trouble."

Somehow I know he's telling the truth, and I say, "I know." He looks surprised by my answer, and I continue quickly, "Yeah, I know. Shocker of the day. And that's not the reason. I'm just…kinda bored…and lonely."

"Oh, I see. I'm entertainment to you," he says. "Have no one else to turn to, so you latch onto the creature you loathe."

I wince, recalling his words from a week before. I know I have to make things right, else Miss Guilty Girl is gonna keep coming back. "Spike, I didn't run out because of that. Xander's words… They just got to me, OK? I'm feeling things for you, and hearing his words made me upset because I know that if something happens I might lose him as a friend, and Angel said that our love was a freak show-"

"Wait, back up, pet." His hand grips mine, since I'm doing that wavy arms thing that I do when I talk at a mile a minute. "You… You're feelin' things for me?"

I nod. "I don't know if it's because those other Slayers could be part of me, or if it _is_ that whole reincarnation thing, but they're there and it's just…confusing the hell out of me. I mean, are those feelings my own or not? And when Xander said those things… If those feelings are mine… Ugh. I don't know how to explain it. And then you came out and you were all with the apologies even though it's not your fault this is happening, and…"

Spike watches me in that way he does; like he's looking into my soul, reading and understanding all the words I can't form into sentences. "Alright, first off, any kind of love is a gift – or just feelin's as your case may be. Never ugly, and the Whelp and Peaches should be ashamed of themselves for makin' you think that. As for the confusin' feelin's in question… Trust me, luv. You're not the only one."

He looks away from me then, and suddenly his actions over the past week make so much more sense. His distance when we were discussing the latest dream, his apology, avoiding me… Taking into account the same confusing feelings I'm having for him, and it all adds up. And the avoidance thing makes sense for him, since he can't fight back and is probably worried that I'll stake him.

But I won't. It's like he said; any kind of feeling, confusing or not, is a gift. Besides, I'm feeling the same for him and that wouldn't exactly be fair if he got punished and I didn't. Not that I'm gonna punish him, or anything. Giles or Xander on the other hand…

I try not to think about the notion of Giles and Xander teaming up to stake Spike. For a moment I wonder if they're the Watcher and the man who keep showing up in the dreams, but I quickly strike the theory down; both have already shown up in other rolls. Unless it's not them at all; like Giles said, the other Slayers and vampires may not have even _looked_ like the two of us, and only do in our dreams.

I shake my head. Too many confusing thoughts.

Spike's eyebrow rises. "What's the matter?"

"Buffy think too much," I say. "Brain hurts."

He chuckles. "So, you gonna stand around thinkin' all day, or are we gonna go have a wander?"

"I need to finish my Christmas shopping," I tell him. We both start walking again as I take out my list. "I've got things for Willow, Xander, Mom and Dawn. I need to get something for Giles, and I really should get something for Anya since she's here to stay… Do you know what I could get an ex-demon?"

"Every demon is different." He shrugs. "What does she like?"

"Money and giving orgasms to Xander," I reply. "And since I vowed never to set foot in the Adult store, I'll just get her a gift card."

"You know those stores are nothin' to be ashamed of," says Spike. "If you really love someone – truly – then nothin's too dirty. No reason to feel embarrassed 'round the one you love."

I suddenly get the mental image of Spike and I playing with some _really_ inappropriate toys, and I quickly push it away before he notices my flushed cheeks. But being a vampire he can probably both hear _and_ smell the blood rushing to my face. And that just makes it all the more embarrassing.

If he notices, he doesn't say anything. Which is…actually a pretty big deal for Spike, who just _loved_ to point these things out to me before. Must've taken it up as a hobby since he can't kill people anymore.

It's all the more proof to me of how much has changed between us. I mean, Spike and I have been in each other's presence for longer than five minutes and we haven't even _started_ up our typical banter of threats we know we can't act on.

And…I don't want to banter like that with him. Not anymore. So I speak before we get the chance. "And then there's Giles. You're British; what would Giles like?"

"So I'm an expert on all things British now?"

"Yep."

"Alright, then." He thinks. "Anything about football – or soccer, as you bloody Americans call it – anything to do with tea or anything to do with London."

"Maybe I'll get him a new novelty mug," I say. "Since you ruined his 'Kiss the Librarian' mug with your blood."

"Oi. He picked the mug for me to use himself," Spike banters back. "Meanin' he either didn't like the mug, or he didn't like the person who gave it to him."

"I'm still getting him one." OK, so this kind of banter is good. We're not threatening to kill each other, or anything bad like that. It's…nice.

I spend the rest of the day with him and help him pick out gifts of his own. I'm surprised that he wants to get us all gifts, considering our treatment of him before, but I don't say this aloud else I ruin the moment.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. He's polite when he talks to the store clerks, he's always the one who gives way whenever people are trying to get by, and whenever we go into a store where it doesn't have automatic doors, he always holds it open for me. He even carries my shopping bags, which is far more than Xander ever does whenever we go to the mall.

"A hottie _and_ a sweetie," one of the store clerks whispers to me, completely missing my wide-eyed shock. "You better hold onto that one and don't let go."

God, if he wasn't a vampire, he'd _so_ make the perfect boyfriend. And…did I really just think that?

I have to keep reminding myself who and what he is; I keep telling myself that he was once a member of the Scourge of Europe, and on top of that, he made a name for himself by killing two Slayers before me. And most importantly, when we first met, he tried to kill _me_.

Yet, the more I watch him, the less that information matters. I haven't forgotten it; I still know who and what he is. It just…ceases to matter. Because I'm starting to see that despite all that, he's more than just a monster; there's a man under there, and it's starting to show. Primrose saw it centuries ago, and I'm starting to see it, too.

So when I see him show interest in a book, but puts it down again upon realizing he doesn't have enough money left, I get it for him when his back is turned.

* * *

><p>Things are obviously tense when Spike comes over for Christmas dinner, but I try to ignore it. It's mostly just Xander, anyway, and most of the time Anya distracts him from glaring at the vampire. I don't know if she's doing it purposely, but if so, then maybe we can be friends, after all.<p>

Mom and Dawn keep Spike occupied for the most part, which he doesn't mind. I can see that he likes their attention.

My gift isn't the only gift Spike receives; Mom and Dawn also got him one – a black t-shirt with apologies of not knowing what else to get him – and Giles was kind enough to get him a punk-rock album. He unwraps my gift to him while everyone else is distracted, and recognizing the book, his eyes meet mine.

And then he does this little smile which makes my heart beat a little faster, and I hope to god that he doesn't hear it. I'm trying not to hear it myself.

Then he gets up and gestures me to follow, and I do curiously. Then I notice the small box in his hand, and I realize that it's my present; he probably just doesn't want to give it to me in front of everyone.

We stand in the doorway separating the kitchen from the dining room, and for a moment we don't speak. Then he hesitantly gives me the box.

I open it. There's a ring inside, and I'm immediately reminded of our false engagement.

"It's not a weddin' ring," he says, reading my mind. "It's a friendship ring. The yellow rose; it means friendship."

I take it out of the box. Friendship ring or not, it's still beautiful. I realize that this is what he spent most of his money on instead of getting himself that book, and that action speaks louder than words ever could.

"It's beautiful." I slip it on my finger. Part of me isn't surprised that he somehow figured out my ring size.

"You said you don't hate me anymore," he continues. "And I don't hate you. There's these feelin's between us, and we don't have to act on them if we don't want to. But we can try for being friends, right?"

I look up at him and smile. "Yeah. I guess that's a good place to start."

How long that'll last, though… Not very long ago, we still hated each other. Then we stopped hating each other, but still didn't really like each other. And now we sort of like each other with confusing feelings thrown in. Everything's moving so fast that my brain can't keep up.

That's when we notice the mistletoe above our heads.

And that's _another_ bit of baggage to add to the pile labelled 'confusing feelings for the little-less-evil vampire'.


	12. Chapter Eleven: Alys and Brom

It's when everyone's gone and Mom and Dawn are in bed, and we're sitting out on the porch steps in the back yard, that Spike finally says something.

Anything to take our minds off the cliché kiss under the mistletoe.

"What that last vamp said in the dream," he begins. "What…Leanian said, about some vamps bein' made wrong. He's right."

"How?" I ask. "How can a vampire be made wrong?"

He sighs. "When a vampire is sired, it all depends on two factors; the strength of the person bein' sired, and their personality. If the will of the person isn't strong enough, then the demon consumes them and you get the not-so-bright fledges who throw themselves at you every night. The ones who last longer and the ones who become masters… They were able to hold onto their humanity – their consciousness – somewhat."

"Their humanity?" I ask. I don't wanna think about the implications of that. "Giles told me that when I face a vampire, I'm not looking at the person they were; rather I'm looking at the thing that killed them."

Spike resists the urge to roll his eyes. "Most of that is rot the Council cook up. With good reason, mind you. They can't have their Slayers hesitatin' when goin' up against a vamp. And like I said; most of the time the demon consumes the person and there's barely anything left."

"But other vampires?"

"The demon merges with them," he says. "Enhances who they were before. That's why Angelus was extra evil; when he was alive he was a whorin' lay-about who thought with his cock instead of his head."

I shake my head. "No. He can't be like that. He's good…"

"Alright, Slayer. It's time to learn a few life lessons." He holds up a finger. "Lesson the First: No one's perfect. When it comes to first love, you believe that the love of your life can do no wrong; a perfect saint. Truth is, Angelus was never perfect, even when he got himself that soul – a soul, mind you, that's not his own. Else he would've gone back to drinkin' and partyin' in no time at all instead of spendin' a century broodin' away in a dark corner. The only reason he decided to play hero was to get inside your pants."

"But-"

"But nothin', Slayer." He sighs. "Why d'you think he never told you 'bout his past, and why d'you think he's still keepin' it a secret? 'Cause he knows you won't like it, and he wants to stay perfect in your eyes. But I spent twenty years with the bugger; I know what he's like. And I'm tellin' you now that he hasn't changed one bit. That whole cryptic act really was just an act, Slayer, and that's Lesson the Second: Don't believe every guy who hits on you. Angel knew you'd fall for the mystery guy, and that's how he lured you in. The whole poppin' up, singin' a tune before leavin' with a swirl of his coat? He did that in the bad old days to lure in girls younger than you."

I feel disgusted and violated. I want to yell at Spike that's it not true, but… Spike has never really been one to lie. And what he's saying about Angel… My mind begins to process it all, comparing it with everything I remember about my ex, and things start to add up. It scarily makes sense, and I hate that it does.

"Thing is, Slayer, you never took the chance to find out everything about him, and in the end you got your heart broken," Spike continues. "The same happened with that Parker git, and I'll tell you this right now; I'm sorry for what I said to you that day."

I wipe away a tear that's formed in my eye. "I deserved it, because I was stupid. I just…I just want to love someone and I want them to love me back. I don't think; I just feel. And you've seen the results of my attempts, both times."

"Doesn't mean you should give up," he says. "Just means that you should take your time, is all."

"Um…weren't you making a point about something else?"

"Yeah, I was. I was just… Don't want you gettin' hurt again, yeah?"

I nod. "Yeah."

"Right then." He clears his throat. "So the demon amplifies the bad qualities of the person. But sometimes…a good person is turned. Someone who had no darkness to speak of. Their humanity never goes away, and…they feel. Don't get me wrong; even the evil vamps can feel some form of emotion, but these other vamps… They're made wrong. They let their emotions control them. They stand out from the rest. They still do bad things, but they have standards; they can control their demon, and they still feel bad about what they've done."

It clicks then that he's talking about himself. And he's right; compared to other vamps, Spike's always been unusual. After Angel broke my heart, I would keep telling myself that soulless demons can't love, but then I would remember the utter terror on Spike's face when I threatened Drusilla…his determination to get her back…and his heartbreak when she dumped him…

Why can't the world just be black and white to make things easier for me? All these shades of grey force me to ask myself questions I don't want to answer and I hate that.

But I know that's not Spike's fault, even though he's the catalyst for these questions in the first place.

"So in other words…you think you've been made wrong," I say.

He nods. "For a long time I thought it was Dru; she's insane. Maybe she didn't do it proper, you know? But then I met other vamps who are the same – not many mind you – and that made me feel a little better; knowin' there're other vamps out there like me. But we're few and far between, and we've got it worse."

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"We don't fit in," he replies. "We're not proper vamps – not evil enough no matter what we do – but on the other hand we're still dead. Too much life for the undead, but too dead for the livin'. Imagine livin' in a society with two sides and bein' outcast from both of them. I was lucky; I was able to put up a front in order to look like I belonged, but…I always knew that I didn't. And this…whatever it is they shoved in my brain made it all the more obvious just how much of an outcast I am."

"You came to us," I remind him.

"I had no choice," he reminds back. "And you lot didn't exactly treat me right. I get that you had to be cautious with the whole tyin' me up thing-"

"I know," I say. He looks at me in surprise, and I honestly don't blame him. I've been thinking about my treatment of Spike, and I'm not happy with myself. Tying him up in case he was lying? Understandable. Starving him until he told us something and withholding blood whenever he pissed me off? Cruel. Granted he should have kept his mouth shut, but his words were the only tool he could use to fight back, so I can't really blame him for that, either.

He smirks. "Could you repeat that for me? I could've sworn that the Slayer admitted to bein' wrong 'bout somethin', but I might've just been hearin' things-"

And there he goes again with that mouth of his. I swat him. "Yeah, yeah, I know. The Hellmouth's frozen over. But I mean it. You came to us for help, and we treated you horribly. And I know I can't really speak for the others, but I can speak for myself; I'm sorry."

That look of surprise grows into one of shock. "You…don't have to do that, pet. I'm a creature you-"

"_Don't_ say it." I shove my hand over his mouth. What happened to the vamp who brags about everything and isn't ashamed of who and what he is? "Seriously, stop. I've already told you that I don't hate you anymore, and in there I agreed that we can give being friends a try. So stop it with the whole 'creature you loathe' thing; I know what you are, Spike, but it doesn't matter to me anymore."

And it's the truth. It's what I realized before; I still know what he is, but seeing what he's truly like underneath has made all that redundant.

He still looks surprised, and I watch as he takes my hand in his and removes it from his mouth. He doesn't let go…and I don't want him to. "Thanks. I know that I'm a monster, but you treat me like a man. And that's…"

"Spike…" For one scary moment I think we're going to kiss again, but the moment passes and we just continue to sit there, holding hands. "That…thing about being made wrong. I…I think you were made _right_."

For a moment it looks like he's going to say something; maybe something about being wrong by vampire standards, since vampires are supposed to be evil and kill things. But instead he just smiles and I know that I've made him feel at least a bit better.

* * *

><p><em>I am Alys Adel, the Vampire Slayer. And yet I do not know what that means. <em>

_I know that I must slay vampires and demons, and protect the world from evil. I know that I must do this alone with no one but my Watcher, Hermias Ford, to guide me. But is that really all? _

_Sometimes I find myself watching the other girls my age around the town, and I wonder what life is like for them. And then I wonder if it's possible for my life to be like that, too. Am I really no one other than the Slayer? Must I always be alone? I have tried many times to talk to people, but the only one who seems interested is a knight named Petrus Cornewall, and he is far too full of himself to be considered a friend. _

_I have never disobeyed orders from my Watcher, but when he sends me on a mission I believe is of no importance to my duty as the Slayer, I ignore the mission and instead visit a witch I have heard rumours of from demons I deemed harmless. Her name is Evantia, and I believe that she can help. _

_When I see her, I realize that she is almost as young as me. But age does not mean a thing in the world of the supernatural, something I have learnt during my time as the Slayer. _

"_Why have you come to me, Chosen One?" asks Evantia. "What answers do you seek?" _

"_I wish to know what it means to be the Slayer," I say. "I know that it is my duty to slay vampires and demons alike, but is that it? Is there not more to my life than just that? I feel that if I continue on as I am, I will surely die soon." _

_She nods. "You are right on that count, but I do not hold the answers you seek. Go into the wilderness west of here, and your guide will appear to you in a form you will know by instinct. Follow your guide until you reach the tree that has lived for a thousand years. You will know it by its size. There you will find a vampire who has existed for a century. He holds the answers you seek." _

_I am unsure what to say. "A vampire? But that is the very creature I am supposed to kill. Will he not kill me?" _

"_Not all demons are born of chaos, and he is one of them," says Evantia. "He will not harm you. Go." _

_And now I am unsure what to do. Should I follow the witch's directions and seek out the vampire, therefore ignoring everything my Watcher has taught me? Or do I ignore the witch, go back to my Watcher and live the rest of my short life without the answers I seek? _

_I decide to go and seek out the vampire. After all, I am the Slayer, and if he does try and kill me I can always kill him. There is no harm in the journey of discovery. _

_I journey west into the wilderness, and just like Evantia said, I find my guide. A wildcat. She waits for me to follow before she leads me further west, and it is nightfall when we reach the tree. It is huge. I know it has lived for a thousand years. My guide jumps up into the branches and vanishes from sight. _

_Then the vampire appears. _

"_Slayer." I expect him to look old, but he does not. He looks young; older than me, but still young. "Why do you come here? I have no quarrel with your kind." _

"_I was sent here by the witch, Evantia," I say. "She told me that you hold the answers I seek." _

"_If you ask the right questions, then I shall give you the right answers," he says. He climbs into the tree to sit on a large branch, and I climb up after him. _

_I hesitate before I sit next to him. "Is my life nothing but being the Slayer? Is there not more to it?" _

_He chuckles. "You are a spirited Slayer. I like that." He looks away and towards the dark horizon. "My name is Brom, and I have seen many a Slayer in my time, none quite like you. They have never asked such questions as this. You are right in your thirst for more knowledge about your Calling, and you are right to question your life. There is more to it than just being the Slayer. Tell me, Slayer; what is your name and what were you before you were called?" _

"_I am Alys Adel," I say. "And I was a merchant's daughter." _

"_Simpler than that," he says. _

_I think, and then I remember watching the other girls in the town, and I reply, "A girl." _

_He nods. "Just because you became a Slayer does not mean you have to stop being a girl. You are both the Slayer and the girl you were before, and you need to hold onto that girl else you lose your way and die before your time." _

"_What do you mean?" I ask. _

"_If you become the Slayer – just the Slayer – then you lose your humanity," he says. "If you isolate yourself like your Watcher has no doubt told you, then you will become like the vampires and demons you have sworn to hunt down and kill. You will lose your way, and eventually you will wish for it all to end and then you will die. But there is hope for you, because you possess the capability for something most demons do not." _

"_And what is that?" _

"_Love." _

_I am not sure what possess me to make the decision, but instead of going back to the town I choose to stay with Brom. He is a capable fighter, and we hunt together. He does not mind; he tells me that he enjoys the company, in fact, for he has felt lonely ever since the death of his sire. _

_Our first kiss is an accident. A vampire is upon him, pinning him down, and I leap upon the hostile and press a stake into his heart. The vampire and the stake turns to dust, and I land upon Brom and our lips meet. _

_But after that, we cannot stop kissing each other. _

"_I think I have found the love I need," I confess to him one night. _

_He smiles at me and we kiss again, but this time we go further. We kiss each other everywhere, and as he makes love to me I have the sudden wish for him to bite me. It almost feels familiar, but that cannot be and I push the feeling down – even though that feeling comes with a warning. I am in too much bliss to care. _

_I tell Brom about my desire for him to bite me, and he tells me about the vampire Claim. I ask for him to Claim me, and he does. He bites me and drinks my blood, before I drink his; it tastes like the sweetest wine. _

_If we had been in the tree, we may have escaped them. I should have known my Watcher would come looking for me, but I am surprised when I see that he has brought Petrus with him. _

_Petrus is the one who acts first; he pulls out a stake and tries to kill Brom. I leap upon the knight to pull him away, and then everything happens so fast that I do not feel any physical pain – but I feel the sudden emptiness of the Claim when Brom turns to dust by Petrus's hands. _

_Not a second later I snap the knight's neck. And not a second after that my Watcher kills me._

* * *

><p>It doesn't register that I fell asleep outside on the porch. I don't feel my stiff neck, or the chill from the morning air. I don't even remember that the slowly-rising sun is harmful to the vampire I've been using as a pillow.<p>

All I know is that he's here, and that he's not dust. I let him hold me as I bury my face into his chest and cry.


	13. Chapter Twelve: Restless

I need to be close to Spike, and I don't care that I'm sat next to him showing a visible urge to hold his hand in front of my friends. Or just Xander, Anya and Giles. Willow has yet to arrive with someone from her Wicca group; a new friend.

I watch Giles take out a book in order to look up the Slayer's name. I notice that he keeps looking back at me, his eyes narrowed, and I have to wonder if he can see the change between me and Spike.

The change from mortal enemies who hate each other's' guts to friends with very confusing feelings for one another.

"Do you think we should wait for Willow?" asks Xander. I see him glaring at how close I'm sat next to Spike, and I try to both ignore him and forget the words he said to me last time.

I shrug. "I'm sure she won't mind either way. And I need to tell her that she made an appearance this time."

"She did?" Giles looks at me curiously.

I nod. "She was this witch the Slayer went to for advice. Her name was…Evantia, I think."

"Evantia…" Giles looks in his book again. "Her name sounds familiar…"

"She was a pretty powerful witch during Medieval England," says Anya. "She started out as a white witch, but then she turned dark and it took an entire coven to take her down."

"But she seemed so nice in the dream." I can't imagine my best friend – or a girl who _looks_ like my best friend – turning evil.

"There have been many stories about how she turned dark in the first place," Anya continues. "Some say it was the death of her lover. Others say see saw true evil in the world and decided that the world didn't deserve to exist anymore."

I recall the witch's smile when she told the Slayer to seek out the vampire, and I wonder… "Maybe it was our deaths – the deaths of the Slayer and the vampire, I mean. She was the one who told Alys to find Brom. Talk about a glorified match-maker."

"Can we not talk about that, please?" I flinch at Xander's words, and I have to wonder how he can't see how much his words hurt me.

"Ah, here we are." I turn my attention to Giles. "Alys Adel was a Slayer in the 7th century, active in the year…666. The year that holds the record for the most attempts to end the world. Can't imagine why." He rolls his eyes.

"That was the year Evantia tried to end the world herself," says Anya. "So maybe it _was_ because of their deaths."

Giles reads further. "Yes, it does mention that Alys sought out advice from Evantia…which her Watcher claims to be the start of her corruption. He says that Alys turned against her duty and started killing humans alongside Brom."

Alright, it's official. I hate the Watchers Council. Like, _really_ hate them. "Professor Fine from World History was right; it's not about facts but the context and who's telling the story." The winners always get to tell the story. It makes me wonder if other parts of history have been fabricated to make the winners look good and the losers look bad.

Anya speaks up, "The Watchers Council have always been controlling. From what I've seen of them, anyway. They always make themselves out to be this great force for good who have the world's best interests at heart, but that Cruciamentum test proves otherwise."

I see Giles look away.

Spike scoffs. "Too right, it does."

"What are you talking about?" I ask. "Yeah, the test is cruel-"

"It's not even a soddin' _test_," says Spike. "See, the Council of Wankers know – and I'm sure Rupes can back me up on this – that the older the Slayer gets, the more likely she is to question her Callin', like Alys was doin' in the dream. So the Council keeps them isolated, knowin' tha' the loneliness will eventually kill 'em. But when a Slayer reaches her eighteenth, the Council deems them too old so makes them weak and puts them in a situation where there's no chance of them comin' out _alive_."

"And if they _do_ survive," continues Anya, "they'll be so broken and tormented that not only will they never question the grey areas of the demon world, they won't last much longer afterwards. They'll just want it to end."

"'S why I never accepted to be the opponent, whenever the Council asked," says Spike. "'S not fair. A Slayer deserves to go out fightin' at full strength, not weak and helpless like an ordinary human."

I bring myself to look at Giles again. He still has that guilty look in his eyes, but he's more shocked by Spike and Anya's words. "That…makes a great deal amount of sense. I never even considered the possibility of so called "test" being used to dispose of Slayers deemed too old."

"What that Brom fellow said is true," says Spike. "The longer a Slayer fights alone, the more she'll lose her humanity and become like the very things she's s'posed to kill. Mentioned that before, didn't I? The love for your family and friends is what's keepin' you here. It's what you need to survive, and it's why you've lasted this long."

"Then why do I still feel so…conflicted about it?" I ask.

"That's 'cause the two sides of you are still fightin' it out," he tells me. "You wish to be a normal girl and have a normal life, while at the same time you get that you're the Slayer and tha' you have to fight evil; tha' you've got no bloody choice in the matter. You need to accept that you're both; girl and Slayer. You need to find a perfect balance in your life, and when you do you'll be the longest livin' Slayer in history."

He sounds like…Brom. Like the past vampire is _him_ instead of just part of him. Which means…

Before I finish my thought the door opens and Willow hurries inside. "Sorry I'm late. Tara and I got caught up with a spell."

"Tara?" asks Xander.

"The girl I told you about, from my Wicca group," says Willow. "I told her about what's going on, and I think she can help."

"How can she help?" I turn to see the girl Willow has brought.

And I don't need Willow to answer my question.

It's _her_; Feidlimid, the witch from the first dream. Tara looks a little different compared to her – the modern clothes obviously, and she's not as skinny – but it's still her. I stand up, and Spike stands up beside me, having recognized Tara as well.

Tara looks at us both shyly, but I can see the recognition in her eyes, too. She knows who we are. "It…it is…you. I've…s-seen you two…b-before in…in another l-life."

"Another life?" I ask. But I already know the answer.

"Turns out my reincarnation theory was right," says Willow. "When I told Tara about what was going on, she remembered the two of you almost instantly."

"I-I can r-recall…all of my p-past…lives," she says. "T-that l-life…I recall the…m-most vividly. I s-sent you two on y-your path…and I h-have b-been…t-trying to find you ever…ever since. And now I have."

Giles politely rises from his seat so Tara can sit down. "This is wonderful. You can answer all our questions; we have been trying to make sense of these dreams for weeks, and we haven't made much progress."

"I'll h-help in…anyway I c-can." Tara takes a seat and keeps her gaze mostly averted to her feet. Definitely the shy type.

Willow takes a seat next to me, and remembering the most recent dream, I turn to her. "You were in this one. You were a witch who helped guide me to the vampire." I can't bring myself to name the witch or tell her about the witch's 'turn to the dark side'. The thought of someone like Willow turning dark… It gives me chills.

She smiles. "Really? Was I any good?"

"I didn't see you for very long, but you gave me pretty good advice," I say with a shrug.

"Getting back to the matter at hand," Giles turns to Tara, "are you saying that Buffy and Spike have reincarnated many times over?"

"T-twelve t-times…before. Th-this is their…th-thirteenth t-time," says Tara. "E-even if I hadn't…m-met them b-before…I'd be able to t-tell. I read auras. I can t-tell by an aura if s-someone has r-reincarnated and…h-how many t-times."

"Twelve and thirteen…" I recall what she said back in the first dream. "You said something about that before."

She nods. "Y-you are…no ordinary S-Slayer. Y-you love…with all your h-heart; it…s-shines…brighter than the s-sun. Your…Gift is different to other S-Slayers; it h-has…b-been two thousand y-years. Twelve t-times you…m-met the Gift of the S-Slayer…and twelve t-times you re-returned. This t-time – the thirteenth t-try – is the h-hardest, in-in a t-time…when one has become…t-two."

"And there are currently two Slayers," says Giles.

"And this time being the hardest could mean it's harder for you two, what with you guys hating each other," says Willow.

Tara looks puzzled. "Y-you're n-not…together?"

Spike and I exchange awkward glances. "It's…complicated," I admit.

"_Complicated?!_" And here comes Xander's words… "There shouldn't be _anything_!"

"Xander, do shut up." Thanks, Giles.

Tara continues to look puzzled while looking between us. "Y-you should b-be together. The d-dreams would only have been…t-triggered by your l-love."

"The spell," Willow realizes. "Where you two fell in love and planned on getting married. That's probably what triggered the dreams. The first one happened the night after, didn't it?"

I nod. That would make sense.

"The d-dreams are…w-warning you so you don't f-fail this time," Tara explains. "Th-this is your l-last try to get things r-right."

"And what happens if we don't?" I ask.

She looks away. "I-If you d-die this time…then you…you will be s-separated for all eternity."

There's silence – a silence that is unsurprisingly interrupted by Xander. "What's so bad about that?"

I ignore him. All I can think about is the thought of being separated from Spike for eternity… It hurts so much, and I grip his hand tightly. He grips tightly back.


	14. Chapter Thirteen: A Slayer's Quest

I can admit one thing, at least. Maybe not out loud, but I can admit it to myself, and for now that's all that matters.

I'm terrified of losing Spike.

How it got to this stage – going from confused friends to being scared to lose him – isn't as confusing as it was before. Everything's moving so fast, and now that I think about it, my feelings aren't really developing. They're…awakening.

Like they were always there, deep down, but asleep. If I'm honest with myself, I'm not surprised. When I saw Spike for the first time over two years ago, my first thought was 'damn, he's hot'. And then he had to ruin it by threatening to kill me, and my quick little fantasy about him went up in flames.

The reincarnation thing makes sense. _So_ much sense that it's scary. Because even though I've mostly forgotten my past lives apart from what I saw in the dreams, the feelings are still there. And they really are waking up after centuries of hibernation.

It makes me realize that falling in love with him is inevitable. It'll happen, no matter how long I stay swimming in that river in Egypt, and that not only scares me but it excites me, too. And that just scares me more.

And when I do – because it's really a matter of _when_ instead of a matter of _if_ – I don't know how I'll be able to handle it. But this reincarnation thing makes me feel better; because then the love already existed and it's not really my fault, but then again those other Slayers before _were_ me so it's still me meaning that it's still my fault, and does that mean there's something wrong with me if I can love a soulless vampire even if he really isn't that bad to begin with…

OK. Breathe. Calm down. It hasn't happened yet.

Yet.

Where does this love even come from? And is it connected to what I learnt before, about love being the thing that keeps me alive? I'm still struggling, even with that knowledge, so there must be something I'm missing. I think back to Spike's words about balance between being a Slayer and being a girl. How do I find that balance?

I talk to Giles about it. He said that he'd help me figure this Slayer thing out, and this counts as a Slayer thing.

He looks thoughtful for a moment before he turns back to me. "There is something…in the Watchers diaries…"

"Yeah, and they've been _real_ helpful with the dreams."

"I know this to be true," he insists. "It has been spoken about and practised. A quest."

"A quest?" I ask. "Like…finding a grail, or something?"

"Not a grail," he says. "Maybe answers. It would take a day, perhaps two. Some Slayers before you found it helpful in…regaining their focus. There are many sacred places around the world for them, and one such place happens to be right here in the desert. It's…it's not far."

I remember the latest dream and the quest Alys undertook. It led her to Brom, and while they didn't get their happily ever after, she _did_ find her answers. I nod. "Alright. Helps that classes haven't started back up yet."

* * *

><p>Spike offers to patrol while I'm gone, which I'm grateful for. I'm not worried that he'll get re-captured by the commandos, since they're all still on vacation. I really don't know what I'm gonna do about them – do about Riley – when they return.<p>

It's one of the many things to think about, but now's not the time.

The car journey is quiet, and it helps me think about what I need to discover. But thinking about it more just confuses me; I don't really know what I need to find out. Hopefully it'll be one of those quests where you discover more about yourself than you were really asking for; gain answers to the questions you didn't know you were asking.

Or it'll just be a bust and I'll be back to square one.

We finally arrive in the desert and we get out. Giles opens the trunk and I ask, "What's in the trunk?"

"Supplies."

"Supplies?" I thought it'll only take a day or two? But even then I'll need the basics. "Like food? Water? Maybe a compass?"

"How about a book, a gourd, and a bunch of twigs?"

Oh. "I don't think I'll be that hungry, anyway." Why are these things always so mystical? Did the Boy Scouts not exist when these rituals and quests were written?

"They're for me," he tells me, as if I hadn't already figured that out. "Come on, this way." I follow him as he leads me away from the car and into the hills. Then he stops, looking at the ground.

"So this is the sacred place?" I ask. It doesn't look all that sacred and special.

"No. You see, the location of the sacred place is a guarded secret," he explains. "I can't take you there myself. I'll have to perform a ritual to transfer my guardianship of you, temporarily, to a guide."

I'm starting to think that what he read in the Watchers diaries is just like everything else we've read: bullshit. "A guide, but no food or water? So…it leads me to the sacred place, and then a week later it leads you to my bleached bones?"

"Buffy, please. It takes more than a week to bleach bones."

Comforting. "So how's it start?"

Now he looks embarrassed. "I, uh… I jump out of the circle and then jump back in it, and then…um…I shake my gourd."

OK, the Watchers Council have redeemed themselves a little with this bit of self-embarrassment. "I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the hokey-pokey and turn themselves around."

"Go quest." Giles sits down and shakes the gourd, but nothing happens.

I grin. It feels good to pull a smile of any kind, especially with what's been happening over the past few weeks. "And that's what it's all about."

He silently shoos me away, and I leave with a roll of my eyes.

I wander, not really sure where I'm supposed to be going. The least he could've done is given me a compass, but no; that's not in the sacred rules, or whatever. At least Alys was told to go in a certain direction. And she had a guide.

I'm supposed to have one too, according to Giles. Is mine gonna be an animal?

I get my answer when I hear a low purr, and I turn to look up at the rocks above me. It's a mountain lion, or cougar, or whatever they're called. It sits there watching me patiently.

"Hello, kitty." Great, and the award for the lamest line in the face of a dangerous predator goes to…

It tilts its head to the side before standing and jumping down in front of me. It begins to walk away before turning back towards me, giving me a silent message to follow. So this is my guide. I follow.

We wander through the desert, and I know it's been hours since I left Giles. Now I know why I don't need food, or water. Because I'm not getting hungry or thirsty out here, for some reason. I don't even have the urge to go pee. Maybe there's magic that prevents my basic human needs from distracting me during my quest?

As the sun dips lower in the sky, we arrive at a place where two rocks rise up either side of us, and somehow, I feel that I should know this place. The "sacred magic" of it gets to me somehow, and I don't even notice when my guide leaves me alone.

With nothing else to do, I find a rock and I sit on it.

I wait.

I look up into the sky and see both the sun setting and the moon rising. Both with jobs to do, both separate, and yet, both working in tandem.

By day I'm a girl. By night I'm the Slayer. But sometimes I have to be the Slayer during the day, and sometimes I get to be just a girl at night. The sun and the moon make it look so easy. Maybe if I had someone who understands both…sun and moon…day and night…light and dark…life and death…

I close my eyes for only a moment. But when I open them, it's night and there's a fire before me.

And on the other side of that fire is a figure, hiding itself – _herself_.

Her skin is dark, and her body is covered in tribal paint. Her hair is in dreads, and in her right hand she carries a stick. Wait, not a stick. A stake.

She's a Slayer.

And judging by how she looks…she's a very old Slayer.

"Who are you?" I ask.

Her mouth doesn't move, but I hear her speak. "_I am Sineya, the First of the Ones._"

The First Slayer. Wow.

I examine her and see that she almost appears demon-like. Is this what all Slayers become overtime? A mirror image of the creatures they're supposed to hunt and kill? What is a Slayer's life if they only become creatures of the dark themselves?

"I…I come with questions," I say. "About… I'm not really sure. I was told that a Slayer must be alone, but if they remain alone then they die young. They don't learn anything. I've lived this long because I love. Is love the key to the balance I need to bring into my life?"

She watches me before she talks again, and her lips still don't move. "_You are a Slayer. A Slayer lives in the action of death, the blood cry, and the penetrating wound. You are destruction. Absolute… Alone._"

"Only if I want to _die_. Didn't I already tell you that?" I say.

"_You love. You give. You forgive. That is not the way of the Slayer._"

"It's what humans do, and I'm still human," I tell her. "Having a normal life has kept me alive so far, but I need more than that. I need balance. Tara told me that my Gift is different than the Slayer's usual Gift."

"_Death is your Gift._"

I shake my head. "No, it's not. I'm not going suicidal just because I can't cope with my life. Is balance my true Gift? Is love?"

"_You are a persistent one, Child. Love will lead you to your Gift._"

Love…will lead me to my… Thinking about love makes me think about Spike, and what his ancestor told Alys all those centuries ago…

Then it hits me.

Spike is my Gift.

He is the balance. I am the day while he is the night. The sun and the moon. Light and dark. Life and death. He knows what death is, and yet he still goes on living – sort of. He understands that it's not all about killing. He kills in the night and lives in the day, just like me.

He understands me. And if I accept his love – _when_ I accept it, because I know it's inevitable – I know in my heart that there will be nothing but balance. By night he will be my partner in slaying, while by day he'll be my…

OK, I'm _so_ not ready for that word.

"Well, looks like this quest wasn't a bust, after all," I say aloud.

"_You can still come back to us,_" says the First Slayer. "_You can still join your brethren where you belong. A Slayer does not belong next to the very thing she is supposed to slay._"

"But in isolating yourself, you've _become_ the thing you're supposed to slay," I tell her. "Didn't you ever wonder if there was a higher purpose to your calling than just this? Kill, kill, kill? Seems I'm figuring it out, and I'm getting the reward. Hopefully I won't be the last."

The fire suddenly goes out, and I'm left in the dark.


	15. Chapter Fourteen: Sigyn and Loki

Silently admitting to myself that my relationship with Spike is inevitable and actually _acting_ on this are both two entirely different things. All I tell Giles is the whole 'love will lead me to my Gift' thing, and when he enquires about the Gift, I only say that it's 'balance'.

I tell Spike about the epiphany. He agrees with my reasoning, but he mostly remains silent and closed off. I've noticed that he's becoming more and more like this as time goes on. I get it; he's a vampire who's supposed to be evil, and all these dreams are throwing him through a loop.

They're doing the same for me, too.

So we keep our distances for the most part. We meet up on patrol, but not for long; usually in Restfield – where Spike has made himself at home in a crypt – and we do a quick sweep before going our separate ways. It's for the best, really. We both have space to think about what's happening to us and what our relationship will inevitably become. We're two people who used to hate each other, only to find out that in past lives, we were head-over-heels in love with one another.

It takes time to come to terms with something like that. It doesn't stop me from worrying that something will happen to him, and likewise I know he's worrying about me, too.

The holidays end, and everyone arrives back at the university, including the commandos. I spot Riley walking into Lowell house, and I'm reminded of what happened before everyone left. I know he'll want an explanation. Not for the kiss-age so much; just for the fighty bits, and likewise he'll probably want to give an explanation to me.

It's my first night back in the dorm when I have another dream.

* * *

><p><em>I am Sigyn Fellsdottir, the Vampire Slayer. And I am on the hunt for a vampire who lies. <em>

_Vampires are evil, so they must lie as a way of life. But Loki, the vampire I hunt, is the greatest liar of all. I have heard many tales of his conquests from my Watcher, Birger Jarlson. _

_He once entered a village and convinced the people there that he was a sorcerer of immense power, convincing them that he had once given birth to a wolf, and serpent and a horse. They were impressed and invited him into their homes, allowing him to kill them in their sleep. _

_He once promised a Lord that he will bring him a princess, but instead brought him another vampire in disguise, and with their invite they laid waste to the Lord's entire family. And that is not even the most terrible of tales; there are some which are far more gruesome, ones which not even my Watcher will tell me. _

_I know that I must kill this vampire at all costs – even if it means going against my Watcher's wishes that I not confront him. _

_I am able to count upon my friend, Ida Leifsdottir, to distract my Watcher so he does not wonder where I have gone. Not very long ago I would have asked no such thing of her; when I first met Ida I detested her as she did me, but then I saved her from becoming the meal of a vampire, and she has been my friend ever since. _

_I also tell Calder Garthson, another friend of mine, and he wishes to come with me. I tell him that he cannot; that Loki is a dangerous vampire and that he will be killed if he came along. I cannot perform my duty if I have to watch out for others during battle. And I do not trust Calder; he has not been entirely honest with me about his life, despite the fact that I have been honest about mine. _

_I set out through the mountains where Loki was last seen, and I climb higher and higher in order to search the caves. I search thirty-four caves, and when I reach my thirty-fifth, I hear the pained cries of a man. I approach cautiously to investigate, and I gasp at the sight I see. _

_A naked man is chained to the rocks, blood smeared and running from the wounds he has brought upon himself by struggling. Above him I see a sleeping serpent demon, and from its protruding fangs venom drips down; this venom lands in the man's eyes, and he cries out in agony every single time. _

_The sensation at the back of my neck tells me that this man is a vampire, and it does not take me long to figure out that this vampire is Loki. _

_The determination to kill him weakens, because vampire or not, no creature deserves to be put through such pain as this. Why make him suffer in such a way instead of sending him to Hel where he can no longer hurt anyone ever again? It confuses me that anyone can be this cruel, and I contemplate killing him just to put him out of his misery. _

_I move closer and he finally sees me. "Slayer." _

"_Vampire," I say. The grip on my stake tightens. _

_He sees it. "Come to finish the job? About time." _

_I go to stake him, but… My curiosity gets to me. "Who did this to you? Why?" _

_He chuckles. "If you know who I am, then you know I will only lie to you." _

"_Do you have a reason to lie?" I find myself asking. _

_He looks at me, swollen eyes narrowed, but not in anger; he is just as curious as I am, I figure. I doubt he has met many Slayers who do not stake first and ask questions later. And I know he has met Slayers; my Watcher told me all about that. _

"_No," he says finally. "I suppose there is no reason." _

_So he tells me. He lied to a sorcerer and was discovered, and the sorcerer in question was not pleased when the truth was revealed. This would be Loki's punishment; chained to a rock for centuries with the venom of a demon serpent dripping into his eyes. _

_When he cries out a second time, I hurry to find something that can help. I come across a stone which is curved into the form of a bowl, and I use it to catch the dripping venom. All I have to do is hurry to dispose of the venom whenever the stone-bowl is full. _

_As I do this, Loki tells me everything; who he was before he was turned, and how he always felt different compared to other vampires. He tells me that he started lying in order to hide who he truly is, because he claims that if he is honest, he fears that no one will like him. In lying about himself, he does not feel left out from his own kind. _

_We converse for days. He shows me his true self while he talks to me. And…I like it. He has the potential to be a good man, and it's a potential I want to hang onto. His honesty with me is what convinces me to do the same. I tell him about my life as the Slayer, and I find myself opening up more than I have ever done before. I tell him things I have never told to Calder or my Watcher, or even to Ida; like how lonely I feel being the Slayer, how sometimes I want to die in order to end the constant fighting, and how I secretly want to find someone to love and for that someone to love me in return. _

"_I could," he tells me. I am taken off guard by his words. "You are the first person I have ever been truly honest with, and you did not hate me for it; instead you were honest with me, too. I will never find another person like you." _

"_I will never find another person like you," I say back. My Watcher's words about vampires being incapable of love fade from my mind; I can see the emotion in Loki's eyes. _

_With a silent agreement I drop the bowl and attack the chains. His vampire strength couldn't break them, but combined with my Slayer strength, they snap. The serpent demon awakens and hisses at us, but together we are able to kill it, and it collapses before us into a pool mixed with its blood and its venom. _

_Loki leads me into another cave, for the sun is rising and we cannot leave yet. I am uncertain what leads to it, but before I know it we are kissing and he is loving me like no one has loved me before. _

_I am uncertain when he shifts into his demon face. "I will not hurt you," he tells me, and I know that he is not lying. He can never lie to me, and he never will. He bites my neck and it does not hurt. "Mine," he says. _

"_Yours," I say. He pulls away and bites his lip, drawing blood, before he kisses me again. His blood fills my mouth and I swallow, and the connection that forms fills me with utter joy. It also feels familiar as well, but I am in too much bliss to wonder why. _

_Paradise is shattered by the arrival of Calder and my Watcher. I have no time to fear for what might have become of Ida; Calder strikes out at Loki, and since he is weak from his imprisonment and the battle against the demon, he is unable to fight back. He turns to dust, and I am filled with overwhelming pain from the loss of the connection. _

_Calder does not have the time to look shocked when I snap his neck. And neither do I when my Watcher kills me._

* * *

><p>"The Loki and Sigyn myth!"<p>

OK, seriously? I sigh as my head falls into my hands, and I feel a hand on my back. Spike's. I want him to start rubbing in order to soothe me, but just putting his hand on me is pushing it enough. I don't have to look up to know that Xander is sending Spike the glare of all death glares.

I turn back to Anya. "What myth is that?"

"A Norwegian myth; it originated before my time," she explains. "You've all heard of Norse mythology, right? Thor, Odin…"

"In comics," says Xander. He glares at Spike. "Loki was a villain."

"He sort of was in mythology, too, but things were a little more grey," says Anya. "You see, humans thought all these people to be Gods, but they were really various demons. Loki was a vampire, and his joining with a Slayer named Sigyn was considered to be a folk tale among the Scandinavian demons. No one believed that it was true – but here's the proof."

Giles takes off his glasses thoughtfully. "So you're saying that Buffy and Spike – or rather Sigyn and Loki – became well known?"

Anya nods. "Oh yes. In Norse Mythology Sigyn was considered to be Loki's wife, and sat with him when he was wrongfully punished by being chained to a rock while a serpent dripped venom into his eyes. Sigyn remained with him in order to catch the venom. Of course, the escape is different; in the myths Loki's escape brought about Ragnarok, the mythological end of days."

"Maybe not," I speak up. "Sigyn… When Loki was killed, it felt like the end of the world for her."

Willow – who has been sitting quietly with Tara – speaks up then. "But what's with all the honesty between them? I don't get that."

"Loki was hidin' part of 'imself," says Spike. "Didn't want the other demons laughin' and callin' him names."

"And Sigyn was hiding part of herself, too," I say. "She was the Slayer; she had to be someone other than herself almost all the time, apart from around her friend… Hey, Cordy was in the dream!"

"Cordy?" Xander's eyes widen. "What was _she_ doing in your dream?"

"She was a friend of the Slayer," I say. "She and Sigyn started out hating each other until Sigyn saved her from a vampire… And that's kind of like our relationship now; hating each other's guts before becoming friends of sorts. Kind of freaky."

"Not as freaky as you and Spike sleeping together," says Xander.

I flinch, and then Spike _growls_. Xander jumps instinctively, but before he can say anything Giles suddenly slams a book shut. I didn't know he'd even opened one up.

"Giles?" I ask.

"Those men are…" He sighs with frustration. "Like with Psyche, there is no mention of Sigyn or even Loki anywhere in the Watchers diaries."

"So if they're well-known names, the Watchers pretend they don't exist. But if not, they just lie?" I ask.

Giles nods. "Pillocks."

"And they called Loki a liar," says Spike.

* * *

><p>Being in a relationship where I don't have to lie about myself… It's a good incentive. It pretty much stops me from having a relationship with a normal guy, but I've already realized that wouldn't be good for me, anyway.<p>

Not holding back on anything… Isn't that what all relationships should be about? Knowing everything about a person and loving them both because and regardless of it?

I tell this to Spike. "There were some things I couldn't even tell Angel. Private things… And he wasn't really forthcoming with the details about his life, which pretty much ruined the relationship even though I refused to see it."

"Knew you wouldn't like his past," Spike tells me. "'S why he didn't tell you."

"I wish he had," I say. "Then maybe he would've scared me away and I would never have…" I trail off, thinking about the 'what ifs' of everything that happened. Had I not fallen for Angel, would I still be that naïve little girl who loved blindly and didn't give a thought to the consequences of her actions?

If my heart hadn't been broken…would loving Spike be easier?

"Would you be scared if I told you about my past?" asks Spike, almost fearfully.

I shake my head. "I've read up about the both of you. I know you still killed people, but at least you went for adults and made their deaths quick – and sometimes painless. The things Angel did… They were…"

"Horrible," he finishes. "Even _I_ was disgusted by the things he did. There're some lines I don't even _consider_ crossin', and he crossed every single one of them."

I shudder at the thought of Spike, even at his evilest, being disgusted with Angel. I've read the stories, but… I shudder again. "I'd rather not talk about Angel. We should…I don't know, get to know one another."

"We can't just blurt out all our secrets," he tells me. "We have to be ready to tell 'em, and likewise, we have to be ready to hear 'em. But I can tell you one thing."

"What's that?"

"Been thinkin' 'bout my obsession with Slayers. There was always a reason I could never kill you, and this is it. I think, sub-consciously, I've spent all my unlife lookin' for you."


	16. Chapter Fifteen: Honesty

When Riley shows up at the door of my dorm, it takes me a moment to remember what he's there for. But when I do, I wordlessly let him in. Right. He wants to talk about what we were both doing at the pool, him in commando gear and me with super strength.

And kissing a vampire. I hope that Riley didn't recognize Spike, otherwise that would be _a lot_ harder to explain.

He looks around the room for a moment before sitting on Willow's bed. "I guess we have to talk."

Way to make it sound like we're in a relationship. I sit on my bed. "I guess we do."

We're both silent as the minutes stretch on. Then Riley gets to his feet and looks like he's about to pace, but instead he just wanders, his eyes on the carpet. He finally turns to me with a curious and weary expression. "What are you?"

I try not to look offended. Of course he thinks I'm some kind of demon. "Capricorn on the cusp of Aquarius. You?" If I make a joke maybe I can convince him I'm normal and he won't take me in…

"Sorry," he apologizes. "Came out a little blunter than I intended." He walks back to the bed. "It's just… You're amazing. Your speed, your strength-"

"I'm also passionate, artistic and inquisitive," I tell him. Of course he'll only see the Slayer. It happened with Owen, which makes me realize that Angel's talk about finding a 'normal guy' really _was_ an elaborate scheme to make sure I'd stay miserable and alone – and his. "Who are you?"

"You know who I am," he says. "The rest, what I do… I can't tell you."

And yet he wants me to tell him all about _my_ life. Wow. I know I wasn't honest with him, but I had my reasons, and he does too. But if I'm gonna tell him about what I do, it's only fair that he does, too. Relationships are about honesty; that's what the latest dream showed me. But that applies to both parties.

I'm glad I didn't continue with Riley, because _boy_, does he not get the honesty thing. I rise to my feet. "Well, then let me. You're part of some military monster squad that captures demons, vampires… You probably have some official-sounding names for them, like non-friendlies, non-sapiens…"

"Hostile Sub-Terrestrials."

That really does sound…official-like. "So you deliver these HSTs to a bunch of lab coats who perform experiments on them like they're nothing more than animals, which among other things turns them into harmless little bunnies." I hope he doesn't ask about the last part; I can't tell him about Spike. And for some reason, the swell of protectiveness has gone right up with Riley in the room. Probably because I know that Riley will take him in without a second thought. "How am I doing so far?"

His eyes are wide. "A little…_too_ well."

I nod, trying not to smirk. "Meanwhile by day you pretend to be Riley Finn; corn-fed Iowa boy. Ever been to Iowa, Riley? God, if that's even your _name_."

"It _is_. Born and raised." I believe him, because that really sounds like something a boy from Iowa would say. "And hey, bulletin girl; I'm not the only one who's been a little less than honest here."

And here he goes again, talking like we were actually in a relationship before. We had about two dates. And I told him it wasn't going to work, which he was OK with. How has that changed?

I sit back down. "I thought a professional demon chaser like yourself would've figured it out by now. I'm the Slayer."

But he just looks at me in confusion. "What?"

"Slay-er? Chosen One? She who hangs out a lot in cemeteries?" But the look of confusion doesn't leave. "You're kidding?"

It hits me then that while these guys are obviously government funded, they don't have a _clue_ what they're dealing with. Which yeah, should have been obvious with the whole 'experimenting and dissecting demons' thing, but I thought they'd be a little more clued in than that. Maybe talked to the Watchers Council, or something.

But here's Riley, who doesn't even know what a Slayer is. Talk about playing with fire and being way in over your head all rolled into one.

"Should I know?" he asks.

I nod. Maybe…maybe only he hasn't heard of me. The others must know what a Slayer is. They can't be that blind and stupid, right? "Ask around. Look it up. Slayer, comma, The."

"And you fight demons?" I give him a 'duh' look. "I mean, you _whaled_ on those guys."

"You did pretty well yourself," I admit. "Apart from me having to save you and you getting hit over the head, but…"

He looks annoyed by that, and I'm reminded of his comment before; when he admitted to not believing that a girl can't take care of herself. "Yeah, but I was a walking bruise the next day. I went out last night, caught a couple of vamps who barely gave me much trouble, and I'm still aching. You were probably out last night, too, and I don't see a scratch on you. I barely saw a scratch on you that night. Then again, I wasn't really looking hard enough. Too busy watching you…" He looks away, and I know what he's talking about.

"Riley, I was being honest. That… I wasn't expecting that to happen. It came out of nowhere," I tell him. "And…this doesn't change anything between us. Before you were too normal, and now you're just…" Confusing. Unbalanced.

He looks like he's about to say something, but then suddenly Amy the rat starts squeaking loudly, rattling her cage. She stops, but as soon as she does, the ground starts to shake.

Riley strides towards me. "Over here!" He grabs me and drags me into the doorway of my closet. Yeah, like I need his help. I don't tell him that the whole 'get into a doorway' thing actually does nothing and it's better to get under a table.

The shaking only lasts for a few seconds, and when it stops I'm breathing heavily. "God…"

Riley just smirks as he steps out of the closet. "Wow. That was some ride." I walk away slowly, remembering the last time there was a big earthquake like that… "Sorry, I'm just so excited. It's my first earthquake."

I remember being face down in a puddle. "It's not mine."

* * *

><p>After meeting with Willow and Xander who both assure me that they're OK and then stopping to check on Mom and Dawn, I head over to Giles to ask about the quake. Upon arrival I see that Spike is already there; he and Giles are outside, and they look like they're arguing about something. So it's the same old routine.<p>

When he spots me, Spike goes to meet me with his arms extended, but he has second thoughts at the last moment and pulls them back. I hate to admit that I'm disappointed that he did; I could really use a hug right now. But I'm glad to see that he's OK. Crypts aren't really that stable, especially during earthquakes like that.

"You alright?" he asks.

I nod. "A couple of broken knick-knacks, but everything's fine. Willow was almost buried in literature at the library, Xander has a broken pipe at his place and Mom and Dawn are OK. Which is good."

"You're worried." Of course he can see right through me.

I turn to Giles. "Giles, something horrible is going to happen."

He just keeps his eyes on the map he has laid out on the table. "It was an Earthquake, Buffy. Not an uncommon occurrence in Southern California."

Didn't I tell him the same thing last time when _he_ was worried about earthquakes? Boy, have the roles reversed. That's irony for you. "But-"

"There's no reason to think it was anything more," he continues. "Now please don't you start on me; Spike's bad enough as it is."

I turn to Spike in surprise. "You're having the same bad feelings?"

He nods. "Somethin's not right. Can feel it. All demons can tell when the Hellmouth acts up."

"Which I have taken into consideration," says Giles. "And I completely understand your anxiety, Buffy. But unless evidence suggests otherwise, I think we can assume that it's shifting land masses and not a portent of some imminent doom."

"What else d'you need, Watcher?" asks Spike. "You've got a vamp and a Slayer with bad feelin's, both of which can usually be trusted; you waitin' for a big hole to open up in the ground and swallow the town all in one gulp?"

Giles shakes his head. "Heavens, no. In order for that to happen, they'll have to be a small hole now and then demons have to circle it-"

I roll my eyes. "Giles, please."

"You alright, Buffy?" Spike asks. I see his questioning eyes, and know he's asking more. He can see how badly this is affecting me, and wishes to know why. But at the same time, he's not pushing me.

But I want to tell him. It comes with the whole 'being honest' thing. "Spike and I will patrol and see if we can find anything. You carry on with your…er…"

"Theories of where the commando base is," he says. "Has Riley talked to you yet?"

I nod. "He came before the quake. He knows I'm the Slayer, but hopefully he won't be telling anyone about me. I mean, I know I've told you guys about him, but… Never mind. He knows, and he knows I know. If that makes sense?"

"Yes."

Spike and I head out, and we don't talk until we hit the first cemetery. "So what's got you all worked up?"

I bite my lip. "The…last time there was an earthquake… I was fighting the Master-"

"Batface." He smirks. "Forgot to thank you for tha'. If you hadn't killed 'im, I would've done. Couldn't stand the bugger."

I smile. "There was this prophecy about me; that I would face the Master, and…I would die."

"Obviously didn't, you bein' here, an all."

I look away. "Why do you think there're two Slayers, Spike?"

He stops walking, and then I feel his hand on my arm as he turns me to face him. His grip is tight, but not tight enough to hurt me. I look in his eyes and I see both fear and anger in them; fear that I died and anger at the Master for being the one who killed me. It's a deadly look, but I'm not scared. It makes me feel…safe.

"Can see why you're worried 'bout this earthquake, then." His hand goes to my face and brushes a stray hair from my eyes. He goes to cup my cheek, but instead pulls away – both hands pull away.

I still want to touch him, so I reach out and take his hand in mine. "I never really talked to anyone about my death. I had a bit of a phase where I was a bigger bitch than Cordelia, but I never really talked to anyone. I knew no one would understand what happened. Not even Angel. I mean, I know he died once, but he rarely talked about his past to me, so I knew he wouldn't…" I trail off when I realize I'm babbling and I look away.

He reaches out with his free hand once again and places a finger under my chin. And once again I'm looking into his deep blue eyes. They're so full of understanding and kindness that I can't help but smile.

"I know what it's like. To die." He pulls the hand under my chin away, but he keeps his other hand linked with mine and we start walking again. "Never really went into the details before. About my death."

I remember our night at the Bronze months ago. "Go on."

"I really was at the bottom of the heap," he explains. "Was an utter ponce; a nancy boy who wrote poetry in order to win the affections of the woman I was in love with. But she turned me down cold, I ran out into the night, and that's when I met Dru. It…hurt at first, when she killed me. But then it felt like…I was bein' born again. Only backwards. The worst was diggin' myself out of my own grave, but after that… I can't regret bein' turned. It's ironic, 'cause it made me feel alive for the very first time. I was nothin' before, and suddenly I had the power to do anything I wanted. I…regret some of the things I did, but I can never regret becomin' a vamp."

I expect to be disgusted by this revelation, and once upon a time, I would've been. But there's something attractive about Spike's confession; that he's embraced who he is and what he's become. Self-loathing is only good so long as it helps you to become a better person, and one should only loathe their actions instead of who they are. Anything more than that is wrong and unattractive, and I question myself once more on how I ever fell for Angel.

Spike knows what he is, and doesn't run from it. He embraces it. He understands that he's done bad things, but he doesn't blame that on what he's become. And that's a good thing.

I notice that he's watching me warily, and I see him almost bracing himself for my reaction. He's waiting for me to call him a thing and shoot him down for not regretting becoming a monster. But he never really did become a monster; he may have tried to act like a monster, sometimes succeeded, but the man in him never went away. I know that, because I see that man in his eyes every time I look at him.

The same man who's waiting for me to destroy him. For someone who loves to brag and strut around with an ego the size of the state, Spike can be incredibly insecure.

"You're better than me," I tell him. He opens his mouth to argue, but I hold up a finger to stop him. "You _are_. Sometimes I wish I wasn't the Slayer; that I can go back to being just a normal girl who only has to worry about clothes, shoes, make-up and cute boys. I've learnt a lot since then; I've taken that whole 'balance' thing to heart. But it's still a desire. You're a vampire and you're proud of it, while half the time I hate that I'm the Slayer."

He squeezes my hand and I let him talk. "You're still a better person than me. I hate part of myself, or rather I used to. I hated tha' human part of me tha' got left behind when I was turned. Stopped me from becomin' a proper vamp. But I've told you that already; you get the picture."

I look at him. Here we are; two people who can't seem to belong in either world, trying to find their way in life. Spike and I are more alike than I thought.

"I guess we have to be honest to ourselves as well as each other," I say.

He nods. "There's still more to tell you. But…I need time. We can't just go blurtin' things to one another; some things we're not ready to say or hear. Time and honesty need to go hand in hand."

"I know, and I understand," I say, recalling things about my life I'd rather not tell him until I'm ready.

Suddenly a vampire jumps out in front of us, in full game face. Spike just turns to me with an amused grin. "Wanna take this one, pet?"

I nod, taking out a stake. "Do you mind? We're having a moment here." I stake the vamp in the heart and he turns to dust. I then turn back to Spike, and my heart beats a little faster at how he's looking at me.

Like I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him.


	17. Chapter Sixteen: Doomed

I convince Spike to stop by the party Willow was invited to, and he just shrugs before following me to the campus. Though I notice that he's wary, and I don't blame him. The campus is Commando Central, and I really don't wanna bump into Riley.

But when we get to the party we see flashing lights. They belong to an ambulance, and on our way inside we pass by a body that's being rolled away. There are cops everywhere.

"Buffy!" We turn to see Willow sat on the stairs with Tara. "Over here."

Spike and I sit on the step below them. "Wow. I wasn't sure where the party was. Then I saw the flashing lights and the ambulance and thought, 'Right, of course! Death carnage; it's a Buffy party'. Typical."

"All your parties can't end like this," says Spike.

"Do I have to remind you where I caught you and Harmony?"

Willow breathes deeply, trying not to lose it. "I'm so glad you're here."

"What happened?" I ask.

"W-we found…him," says Tara.

Willow nods. "I was lying on the bed, and this guy was next to me dead. But I didn't see him until Tara turned on the light."

I'm used to finding and seeing dead people. One of the downsides of the job, but it's part of my calling. Willow's not used to seeing dead bodies, especially finding one so close to her. "Are you OK?"

"Was it one of my lot?" asks Spike.

Willow shakes her head. "There was so much blood."

"A-and there was a…s-symbol," says Tara. "It l-looks familiar, b-but I c-can't r-remember where I s-saw it."

"And Percy said I was a nerd!"

"Who the hell is Percy?" asks Spike. "If he's a demon, can I hit him?"

"He was a guy we knew at school," I tell him. "But he called you a _nerd_? Does Percy even _go_ here?"

Willow just shrugs. "I guess we should report to Giles and get with the demon tracking?"

I nod and we all stand up. Tara looks like she's going to hang back, but I give her an encouraging smile and she follows.

* * *

><p>After we get the whole 'Percy' thing out of the way, Willow goes into more detail about what she and Tara found.<p>

"The guy was propped up," Willow explains. "Like whatever did it wanted to drain the blood out of him. So I'm thinking that the guy took some of it with him."

"So it could be a vampire?" asks Xander.

"A vampire wouldn't leave any blood behind," says Spike. "There're couple of demons who drain blood, but I don't know any who leave the body covered in symbols."

"It's not a typical kill pattern for demons," says Anya. "Unless that demon's trying to perform a ritual."

"Ritual…" Giles looks thoughtful. "What did this symbol look like?"

Willow takes out a piece of paper from her pocket and opens it. "Tara says it looks familiar."

Tara nods. "I-I'll need to g-get my b-books from my…r-room."

I look at the symbol. "I've seen this somewhere before. I just can't remember where…"

"It's the end of the world."

We all look at Giles before saying altogether, "Again?!"

"You people need to start thinkin' up the plural for 'apocalypse'," says Spike. "How many is that now?"

"Three. Four. I've stopped counting." I turn to Giles. "I told you! Spike and I; we both told you! And you were like 'poo-poo, Southern California, poo-poo'!"

"I'm so terribly sorry. My minor understandable mistake completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse."

I roll my eyes. Why does Giles have to be sarcastic at times like this?

"But it can't be!" says Willow. "We've done this already."

"I-it would make s-sense," says Tara. "I r-remember that s-symbol now. I have a b-book about it. I could go g-get it?"

Giles nods. "The more we know about this, the better."

"But with demons on the loose, you can't go back to your room alone," says Willow. "I could come…but I won't make much of a difference."

"I'll come with you," says Spike.

I nod in agreement. "And I'll go search for this mark. I know I've seen it somewhere before."

* * *

><p>And I have. In the place where I spend most of my waking hours memorizing stuff off the sides of mausoleums.<p>

I head inside and find the demon – big ugly green thing with the head of a porcupine – stealing child's bones. Ah, so we're back to the purely evil demons who steal the bones of children in order to end the world.

I shoot an arrow at him and it hits him in the shoulder. Then I throw the crossbow, but he hits it away and I jump at him. He's tough, which I get because he's big, and I wish that Spike had come to help me. But I get why he couldn't; Willow and Tara need him more than I do.

We take the fight outside, and the demon throws me over a headstone before running. I'm about to get up when a shadow looms over me. Thinking it to be a demon, I leap to my feet, turn, and strike out.

It's Riley. He blocks me instinctively, and while he stands his ground I see him wince in pain. My first thought is how bad it would be to sleep with him; I had to hold back enough with Parker.

It was…lacking.

I pull away and he rubs his arm. "Wow, that…flippy thing you just did…" He gestures to the ground where I was laying.

I look around. "Where did it go?" Why is he more focussed on me instead of the evil demon who's gonna destroy the world?

"It's gone," he tells me. "I saw it take off towards the woods."

"And you didn't follow it?"

He gestures to himself, and I see that he's wearing ordinary clothes instead of his uniform. "No weapons and no backup. You don't go after a demon _that_ size by yourself."

Right. Of course. He may be a commando, but he's only human. "I do."

"Yeah, well…I'm no Slayer…" He takes out a walkie-talkie from his back pocket before talking into it. "Base 1, this is Lilac 1."

"Lilac?" Seriously? He couldn't have chosen a manlier colour?

He holds up a finger as someone on the other end says, "_Go_."

"Confirmed sighting of an unidentified Sub-T. Mobilize patrol team for debriefing at 0800 hours."

"_Copy that_."

I watch him as he puts the walkie-talkie away. Treating slaying and patrolling like a military operation… It's both weird and not. I've treated these things the same sometimes, but only when duty calls for it. Other times I just take the world as it is and don't argue – well, sometimes I argue, not that it helps.

Treating the entire demon world like a military operation 24/7… That can only end in bad things. It just shows how much they don't know about what they're dealing with.

"What are you doing here?" I ask him. He's already pointed out that he's not in his military get-up, which means he's not patrolling.

He smiles…and it's not one I like. "Looking for you, she who hangs out in cemeteries."

That smile added to the fact that he's looking for me… I know this can't be good. His smile is hopeful; it's the same one he gave me when he was asking me out on a picnic that time, and also the same one he gave me the morning after I unknowingly fought him in the hall outside my dorm.

I know already the conversation that's coming, and I want to avoid it. "I have to…get the demon." I turn to walk away.

"Don't sweat it," he says, following me. "We'll bag it."

I stop and turn back to him. Bag and tag… Further proof that these guys really don't know what they're doing. Demons aren't animals; they think and some of them feel, and some try to end the world wherever they can. But he won't get that. "It's not that simple. Hunting demons is never that simple."

"OK, if you say so," he says with a shrug. "But I really think-" I see him gesturing to me and I cut him off.

"Riley, just… I just… I know what you're going to ask me, and I can't do it," I tell him. "I can't be with you. I told you before that I don't feel anything for you, and finding out about this… It's a black pit of a mistake, and I can't go there. You don't know what my life is like."

"And I'm dying to find out!"

"'Dying' being the operative word here," I continue. Bearing in mind some flaws, Riley seems like a nice guy who can make the right kind of girl happy. But that girl isn't me, and I don't wanna get him killed. There's a possibility he'll get killed anyway, but at least then I know it's not my fault. "You and me… It's just doomed. I'm sorry."

I turn away, but I know he's going to stop me. And he does. I wish he would just get the message that I'm not interested.

"I don't understand where this is coming from," he says, following me.

I stop and turn back to him. "What do you mean? I've already turned you down before."

"But now we have something in common."

"That's not enough," I tell him. "My first relationship was like this; we both fought demons, but that was all we had in common, and it doomed the relationship from word go." I won't be that girl again where I throw myself into a relationship just because the guy is cute and does what I do. "There's nothing wrong with being in a relationship like this, but there has to be more than 'we kill demons, let's do it together'."

He shakes his head. "Buffy, I'm thrown by this. I'm confused."

"Why, because I'm not playing along with your little fantasy?" I don't really know what makes me say it, but once the words are out, it hits me. This – demon hunting, saving the day – is all just a game to him. One real-life version of all the games and dreams he must have had as a kid. He plays the hero who always wins while I'm…

…I'm the love interest who does what he does, and the one he saves all the time despite the fact that I can handle myself.

Everything's so clear to me now.

"It feels like a fantasy; I can agree with that." Yeah, he's not making it better for himself. "But when I look at you I can feel my skin humming, and my hands, and…my every inch of me. I've never been this excited about anyone before, and I'm not gonna walk away just because I think it might not work."

_Really_ not making it better for himself. "I used the term 'fantasy' in the sarcastic sense. Life isn't a fantasy; it's full of pain, death and more apocalypses than I can count. None of it's fun, I'll tell you this now. Do you know what a Hellmouth is? Do you have a fancy term for it? Because I went to _high school_ on it, for _three years_. We really, really don't have that much in common. This is both a job and an adventure to you; the dream job where you can act out all you little boy fantasies. But for me it's destiny. It's something I can't change or can't fight; I'm stuck."

"No you're not. You can change things. You're not in high school anymore."

"You're right. I'm not," I tell him. "I've grown up since then. Back in high school, I would've jumped at the chance to date you. But I know now that your world and my world don't mix. What you've said to me tonight proves that; you treat these demons like targets for you to 'bag and tag', but each demon is different. They have motivations and their own lives; some are even harmless! But you're not making that distinction. To you it's a game. To me it's my life. My answer is 'no'. Now please leave me alone."

I turn and walk away, hoping that he doesn't try again.


	18. ChapterSeventeen:Return to the Hellmouth

**Chapter Notes**: Ignore the chapter title. I was trying to fit it all in. *winces*

* * *

><p>"A Vahrall demon," says Anya with a nod, before opening a book onto the right page. "I've only seen them a couple of times. They're as evil as they come."<p>

I look over her shoulder at the picture and nod. "Yep. That's the guy."

"Ugh…" says Willow, also taking a look.

I step aside so Xander can look, too. "I second that revulsion."

"Think I met one once," says Spike. "And by 'met' I mean I ran into him and he pushed me into some trash. Stank of rottin' people food for days. Dru thought it was a right old laugh."

"Your ex may be insane, but she has good taste in comedy," says Xander, trying not to laugh.

I try not to laugh, too. The thought of Spike falling in some trash and smelling for days…

Giles takes the book from Anya before reading what it says. "Slick like gold and gird in moonlight, father of portents and brother to blight. Limbs with talons, eyes like knives, bane to the blameless, thief of lives."

"We need to get happier people to write these books," Xander comments.

"This thing isn't digging up the bones of a child for fun," I say. "In the same crypt that has that symbol… It's trying to end the world."

"Vahrall demons don't usually go that far, but I'm not surprised," says Anya.

Tara brings over the book she fetched from her dorm. "I-It's an ancient r-ritual."

She hands the book to Willow. "It uses the blood of a man, the bones of a child…and something called the Word of Valios. It's all part of the Sacrifice of Three."

"Let me guess; ends the world?" I ask.

Willow nods. "Yeah. It's not big with the details, though. It doesn't say how the world ends or what the ritual entails exactly."

"I-It goes into more d-detail in a-another b-book." Tara hurries over to the collection she brought and picks another one up. "I c-can't r-remember which one e-exactly."

"But any ritual that has the word 'sacrifice' in the title can't be good," says Xander. "Call me old fashioned here, but 'sacrifice' means killing people, and that means three people are gonna die."

I shake my head. "No. They won't. Claw boy's not getting all of his ingredients. We have to find the Word of Valios and keep him from getting it."

"If he doesn't already have it," says Willow. "Who knows where he's been?"

"He won't be working alone," says Anya. "Vahrall demons usually travel in groups."

_Great_. "OK. I'll check the Magic shop and see if they've heard of a book called the Word of Valios. Giles, you stay here with Tara and Anya and keep researching this ritual. Willow and Xander can go check out the book archive at the museum. Spike, you go with them in case the demons are there looking, too."

Spike nods, and Willow doesn't complain. Xander does, though. "Buffy, are you serious? Him?"

"You two can't protect yourselves from this demon; _I_ had trouble with it," I tell them. "I don't want any of you getting hurt."

"I don't wanna end the world here, people," says Spike. "'S why I made tha' truce with the Slayer before, in case you all forgot."

"And he was nice to me and Tara," Willow tells Xander.

Xander still wants to argue, but even he can see the positives, and he sighs in defeat. "I'll stop by my house to grab some weapons and to change into something that isn't quite…err…anchovy-scented."

He really needs to pick and job and stick with one.

We head out and split up at the end of the road. I make my way towards the Magic shop, but along the main road I spot Riley walking in my direction. And just when I thought things couldn't get any more complicated…

He has some device in his hand which he's using to scan the area. After a few moments he looks up and spots me, and I sigh. I had hoped he'd keep looking down so I can pass by unnoticed, but I guess that's not gonna work now. At least now I can see if he took my words to heart. I really don't want to have the 'I won't date you and here's ten reasons why' conversation again.

"Buffy," he greets.

I look at his device. "Is this really the time for _Donkey Kong_?" Pop-culture jokes work for Xander. They can work for me, too.

"What?" I gesture to his device. "Oh. It takes trace readings of the creature's pheromones. And it's either mating season for this thing, or it's moving all over town." He sighs. "You know, Buffy-"

And here it comes. "Actually I need to go," I interrupt. "Big Bad needs to be squished." I go to walk around him.

"I'm on it, too." He tries walking alongside me before blocking my path. "It's just… This thing? This you and me thing? It's stupid!"

I give him my customary 'are you kidding me?' look. "There's no 'you and me', Riley. I thought I made that clear. I can't do this."

"Then _you're_ stupid!"

"Way to win a girl over."

"Sorry. I don't mean that." But then he looks at me again and decides, "No, I think maybe I _do_."

"So _I'm_ the one who's stupid?" I ask. "Me, who's been doing this professionally since I was fifteen compared to you, who still doesn't understand anything about the demon world. If you've seen what I've seen, you'll understand. But you haven't, and I don't think you ever will. So _you're_ the stupid one."

"But you're the one who has this twisted way of looking at things."

I sigh with frustration. "It's not twisted; it's logical. It's reasonable. It probably just looks twisted because you're _way_ too upbeat about this. And that just justifies my reasons; you think life's like a movie, where the good guys always win and people find their true loves and live happily ever after. I tried having my own fairy tale, and it blew up in my face."

"That doesn't give you an excuse to give up."

"I didn't give up, Riley; I got a reality check," I tell him.

I try to walk around him again, but he stops me. Again. "Buffy, where is the bad here? It just turns out that we're even more well-matched than we thought we were."

"Seriously?!" When people look our way, I lower my voice. "We hunt demons; that's all we have in common. That doesn't make us well-matched. But that's not the only problem; I really, _really_ don't feel anything, even if you do. And you really don't get this lifestyle. I've observed how you and your commando buddies work, and frankly, you guys are way in over your heads if you think you can understand demons just by watching them and experimenting on them. Compared to me, you're a rank amateur, Riley."

He blinks. "Look who's being hurtful now."

"At least I know what I'm talking about," I tell him. "The demon world isn't some boy's fever-dream war game. It's a world of death and destruction, and I come from a long line of Slayers who don't live past twenty-five."

"See? That's the kind of attitude I'm talking about."

"Well, it's better than _your_ kind of attitude," I snap. "You think this is fun, and the last person who thought that is in a coma right now because she had so much _fun_ on the job."

"Why can't you be honest with me?" he asks. "A lot's happened to you. Why don't you tell me? Maybe then I'll understand."

Honesty. That's what make relationships work. And while I don't want a relationship with him, I can settle for a friendship, and they require honesty, too. So I take a deep breath and say, "I mentioned before that one of the reasons I don't want this is because I've tried it with someone like you. We had little to nothing in common other than the fact that we both fight demons, and in the end, that was one of the reasons it fell apart."

"_One_ of the reasons?"

I take another deep breath. "I sorta made him lose his soul. He was a vampire."

Riley goes still and looks at me like I've grown eight arms. "You… What? You slept with…with…one of those…"

"A vampire," I repeat. "His name was Angel, and he was cursed with a soul by gypsies, so he felt remorse for his actions and was forced to fight for good. We fell in love, but because I was young and stupid, I didn't think about the consequences of our actions and how it would affect the people around me. We slept together and he lost his soul. He tried to kill me, my friends, my family – and he killed one of my teachers. He tried to end the world, and in order to save it I had to send him to Hell – _after_ he'd regained his soul. And then when he came back…we couldn't rebuild what we had. Mostly because so much had happened between us – and there was the soul thing again – but also because I finally saw that we never really had that much in common to begin with, which was something I denied until recently. So you soak all that in; hopefully now you'll realize just how different our lives are, which is yet another reason why we can't work."

He stares at me, and alongside the shock I can see disgust just sitting there under the surface, waiting to come out and have a party. But he's holding it back, which I give him credit for.

"You…you slept with a…" He shakes his head before walking away.

I'm glad he's gone…but the way he departed…the way he looked at me… I'm reminded of Angel's words – about calling us a freak show and telling me to find a normal guy – and I let a tear fall from my eye. I remember the dreams; everything my previous reincarnations experienced and the love they had for their vampire partners…only for it to end in in tragedy.

I'm so caught up in myself that I don't notice when a familiar someone approaches me. "Buffy?"

I look up and find myself staring into Spike's blue eyes. "Spike? I thought you were with Willow and Xander?"

"Was," he says. "We got back to your Watcher's place, and…" He trails off when he looks at me more closely. Of course he notices that something's wrong. "What's the matter?"

I sigh, looking at my feet. "Just…Riley. Because he's found out about me, he seems to think that we go well together despite having nothing else in common. There are so many reasons why we can't work; he thinks all this is a game, he doesn't respect that I'm a girl and I can fight, and he doesn't see that we have nothing else in common. He's an Angel clone."

Spike's eyebrow rises. "Another clone of Peaches wanderin' about? Definitely the end of the world."

I smile a little. "I told him about Angel. I figured giving the whole honesty thing a try might help him see. It scared him away, but…he looked at me like I was a demon myself. Like…I was just some whore because I decided to sleep with something he rates below animals." I look up at him, and I know there's another tear threatening to escape. "Am I doomed when it comes to love? There was Angel and then there was Parker, and that's just in this life. Whenever I tried to be happy with you, we always…always…"

I go from standing there on the sidewalk to being encircled in his arms with my head against his chest. I don't know how I got there, but I'm not about to complain.

"You're not doomed, and there's nothin' wrong with you," says Spike. "He's just a wanker for bein' too caught up in his own fantasy to see what's real and what's not. He looked at you and saw what he wanted to see; a girl who could be his love interest in his own personal action movie. When I look at you, I see who you are, and who you are is an extraordinary woman who keeps on livin' even with the weight of the world on her shoulders."

I smile against his chest. Seeing what I only wanted to see… That's what I did with Angel. In my teenage eyes, I saw a saint and a hero who could do no wrong, and thankfully I got a reality check before it was too late.

Looking at Spike…I see someone who's real.

He pulls away. "Almost forgot what I came here for. Your Watcher got himself into a spot of trouble."

* * *

><p>Giles had the Word of Valios the entire time, and the demons came for it. They hit his head, gave Anya a concussion and bruised Tara's arm.<p>

At least Giles figured out that we need to go back to the Hellmouth – back to high school.

Inside the burnt out building, Spike comments on how fun our battle with the Mayor sounded before pointing out where he and I had our first fight. I smile fondly at the memory; while I was legitimately scared at the time, it was one of the best fights I had. It was fast-paced, energizing, challenging, a turn-on…

…and I don't think about where the hell _that_ came from…

We reach the library and find the demons, and Spike and I attack while Willow and Xander grab the blood and child's bones. I can't see any sacrifices, but I figure they must be around – until a demon grabs the Word of Valios and jumps into the Hellmouth, and I realize that the demons themselves _are_ the sacrifices.

Willow and Xander run with the blood and child's bones. Spike snaps the neck of the first demon before helping me impale the second on a piece of metal lying around. Apocalypse averted. Go team.

When we hurry out of the library I see Willow and Xander talking to…Riley. In military uniform. I move in front of Spike as we approach.

"I was just passing by…" I hear him say before he notices me. "Buffy. I was just telling your friends that…err…"

"You were just passing by in your G.I. Joe outfit?" asks Willow.

Xander smirks as he looks him up and down. "And I don't think the paintball excuse is gonna work this time. Besides, Buffy told us about you before the holidays."

Riley looks at me, hurt, before I shrug. "We knew you guys were about. We didn't know what threat you posed. I had to tell them just in case."

Then he looks behind me and sees Spike, and I'm filled with dread when his eyes light up with recognition. "You… You were that guy down at the pool with Buffy." But then he steps closer, and I see something dawning on him. Crap. "You're Hostile 17."

"Err…" I feel Spike backing away, and I suddenly realize just how traumatizing it must have been for him, locked up in a cage like an animal while scientists poked around inside him…

"Buffy, you can't trust him. He's a vampire." Riley steps forwards, taking out his Taser. "I need to take him in-"

Seconds. That's all it took for a sudden flare of panic – greater than all the ones that came before – to rise within me, and before I realize what I'm doing I throw myself at Riley, kicking the Taser out of his hands. He looks confused for only a moment before I punch him in the face and kick his feet out from under him. I kneel before him and grab his head…

I freeze.

I realize what I'm about to do and let him go, getting to my feet again. "Oh God…"

"You can say _that_ again," says Xander. He and Willow are just as shocked as I am.

Riley pulls himself to his feet, a hand to the spot on his face where I punched him. "Buffy? What the hell was that about? You're protecting a vampire-"

"You don't know me or my life." At least not _this_ life. "You need to stay away from me, Riley. And so help me, if you go near Spike, you'll find out what a Slayer is _really_ capable of. I've fought demons twice your height; you're no match for me."

He looks between me and Spike before throwing me a look of disappointment and disgust. "I thought Slayers were supposed to kill vampires – not help them and…make love with them." And then he walks away, his footsteps loud enough to shift debris.

"Wait…you're making love with _Spike?!_"

I shake my head. I don't have time for Xander's comments right now.

"Buffy, what's wrong?"

His voice – his soothing voice – makes me come undone and I throw myself into his arms. I don't care that Willow and Xander are watching; all I care about is Spike and the fact that he's still with me.

"Riley…" I say, pulling away to look up at him. "It's…it's him. He's the one who killed you all those times before."


	19. Chapter Eighteen: Prejudice

I can't let go of Spike's hand.

The near miss – probably an over-exaggeration, but I keep classing it as that in my head – has put me really on edge. My mind keeps digging itself into 'what if?' scenarios; what if Riley had taken him in, or worse, staked him then and there, and I just need that constant reminder that Spike is still with me.

That he's not gone for good. The idea of him gone makes me sick to my stomach. To think that just a couple of months ago, I would've thrown a party over the same thought.

I keep a hold of his hand the entire way back to Giles's place. Spike, every now and again, gives my hand a reassuring squeeze, to which I find myself looking up into his reassuring face; his wonderful smile and his oh so blue eyes…

Xander doesn't stop glaring at us, although to his credit, he keeps quiet. But I know he'll have plenty to say once we get back, and I dread his words. Xander's one of my best friends, and it tears me apart knowing that he hates what's going on. Why can't he see that I've been the happiest I've ever been with Spike?

Willow remains quiet, too, and I notice that she doesn't even look awkward about the hand-holding. I'm grateful, but it makes me wonder what's going on in her head.

When we get back to the flat we see that Giles has recovered from his head injury, and that both Anya and Tara are still there. It's good, because then I won't have to repeat myself. I've already been holding off on Xander and Willow.

Once everyone's sat down and comfortable, I explain what happened with the demons. When that's out of the way, I go on to explain about Riley's appearance and how he tried to take Spike in. I hesitate when I get to my reaction; I almost killed a human being, and it's not one of my proudest moments. Spike gives my hand another gentle squeeze and I finish the story with my revelation.

Giles takes his glasses off and begins cleaning them. "Are you sure?"

"With everything I am," I reply. "It's the strongest my instincts have ever been; like my subconscious knew. When I saw him take a step towards Spike, it was all clear to me; I saw all those dreams happening again, but where the man's face was blurry, I instead saw Riley's. I couldn't let him take Spike, and I'll be the first to admit that I seriously overreacted-"

"Overreacted?!" And here comes Xander's comments. "You were so far over that the 'reacted' must've been a dot to you! You almost killed him!"

"But she didn't," Willow spoke up, shifting uncomfortably.

I nod. "Exactly. I'm ashamed of what I almost did – even after seeing him kill Spike all those times, I don't want him dead – but did you really expect me to just let him take Spike back to that place?"

"Yes!" Xander gives me a look of relief, as if I've finally come to my senses. "Is it really hard to understand that he's a soulless evil creature? That it's just sick and wrong for you to be sleeping with Dead Boy Jr.? It's disgusting!"

His words hit a cord. They did before, but not as bad as this. Because now I'm trying to recover from the panic of almost losing him. How can Xander say those things about Spike; about me? Is that what he really thinks of me? Am I disgusting and sick because I have feelings for a vampire?

It's ten times worse than Riley's reaction to me.

I expected Spike to growl, and yes, even shift into his demon face. I even expected Giles to give Xander a disapproving look. What I _didn't_ expect was Willow leaping out of her seat, storming over to Xander and slapping him across his face. Xander is the most shocked out of us all.

"OW! Wils, what gives?!" He almost shudders, and I don't have to look to know that Willow is giving him her best resolve face.

"Don't take that tone with me, Xander Harris!" I almost expect her to start pointing her finger at him, like a parent scolding a naughty child. "I've stayed quiet until now, but this is where I draw the line! All this crap about 'demons are evil' needs to stop, because this constant whining makes you look like a five-year-old still stuck in kindergarten!"

"But they _are_ evil!"

Willow actually rolls her eyes. I've never seen her like this before, and I don't know whether to be scared or not. "Most of them are, yes. But not all of them, and Spike's been proving that."

"Spike tried to kill us!" he protests. "Buffy making love to that _thing_ is wrong!"

"No, it's not." Willow shakes her head. "I think it's cute. What's wrong is that you're blaming the entire demon population for what happened to Jesse! I know it hurts, and I know he was our best friend, but you need to suck it up and get over it, because hating every demon you meet won't bring him back and it won't make you feel any better!"

Xander looks gobsmacked. "But…"

"No buts," she tells him. "Jesse was turned by Darla. You have no one else to blame but her."

"Darla?!" I turn to Spike. His vamp face is gone and he looks just as pissed as Willow does…but not at Xander. "Knew I should've shoved a stake through that bloody whore the first chance I got."

"Then why didn't you?" asks Xander. There's a hint of bitterness in his voice, but not as much as there usually would be. Hearing that Spike hates Darla too must've lightened him up a bit.

"'Cause I knew that if I did anything to grandmum, Angelus would hurt Dru." Spike lowers his head. "As much as I couldn't stand the cow, my fear for Dru was greater than my hate."

Willow points at Spike as she turns back to Xander. "You call vampires unfeeling monsters, but look at him! He would do anything for Drusilla. Have you already forgotten the reason why he kidnapped us?"

"To be honest, Wil, I was more focussed on the fact that he _kidnapped and threatened to kill us!_" Xander argues. "Demons are soulless and they're evil! They don't change and they all deserve to die!"

"Wow." We all turn to Anya, who's watching Xander with a mixture of anger and hurt. "You really _do_ feel that way. I thought it might have been the syphilis talking, but I guess I was wrong."

I can't read Xander's expression, but I know there's confusion in there alongside other emotions. "What are you saying, Anya?"

"She's saying you're a hypocrite," says Willow. "Or at least she _should_ be saying that. In your tirade against Spike and other demons, did you forget that your girlfriend – who you _sleep_ with – is an ex-demon? One who probably has a bigger kill count than Spike and Angelus combined?"

"Emphasis on the 'ex' there, Wils," says Xander. "She changed because she turned into a human. And unless Spike does the same-"

Suddenly Anya's standing and yelling. "I didn't change because I suddenly became a human and got myself a shiny new soul! When I first had my powers taken away, I still wanted to cause mayhem like I always did. Or have you already forgotten the time I helped bring Willow's vampire twin into our world? But then I got feelings for you and thought maybe, just maybe, I could change and have a chance to be loved. And in that sense, Spike and I are the same; he's changing because of Buffy, and I changed because of you."

Xander just stares at her, unable to speak.

Giles looks intrigued. "So even though you suddenly had your soul back, you didn't want to do good straight away?"

Anya rolls her eyes. "I honestly don't know why you all make such a big deal about souls. A soul isn't some miracle conscience. If it was, why do humans do bad things? Why do you have prisons, and murderers, and rapists? Are you honestly implying that those people are better than demons because they have souls?"

Giles avoids her gaze. He's taken this whole thing with Spike better than I ever thought he would, and yet we all know – himself included – that he believed all that 'no soul equals evil' talk just as much as we all did. He could probably be the worst culprit, since he shoved the teaching down all our throats during those first few weeks in Sunnydale.

"If the soul doesn't matter, why are most soulless demons evil?" asks Xander. I can tell that he's trying to be bitter – trying to find a good reason for his hatred – but not succeeding. I think even he knows that it's not working.

"The case is different with different demons," says Anya with a shrug.

I speak up for the first time. "Spike was telling me about some vampires being made wrong. They were so full of love when they were alive that their emotions don't go away when they're turned."

Anya nods. "That's one reason. The most recurring reason is power; demons have power. You've all probably heard the phrase 'drunk with power', and that's pretty much it. Most demons are also weak, and they let power get to their heads. It's truly extraordinary to find a demon who overcomes this; who decides they want to be a better person. I did it. Spike's doing it. And if you can't see that, Xander Harris, then you're blindly drowning in that river you humans call 'denial'." After a pause she looks at Giles. "That's a weird analogy, by the way. I don't really get it."

"And not only are you hurting yourself, but you're hurting the people around you," Willow continues. "Not just Anya, but Buffy, too."

"I'm trying to _help_ Buffy!"

But I shake my head. "No, you're really not. What's happening with me and Spike… I'll admit, I was scared at first. But the thing is, he's making me happier than I think I've ever been." I squeeze said vampire's hand and I see him smile with wonder out of the corner of my eye. "I have feelings for him; good feelings. And when you say all this stuff – how he's a disgusting creature and I'm a sick person for being with him – it makes me feel horrible. You're my friend, Xander, and I hate that you may feel that way about me. But at the same time, it's my life and I choose who gets to be in it. My greatest fear is that everyone will hate me and I'll be alone, and you're making that fear come true. Please don't make me choose between the two; happiness and fear. I don't think I'll ever forgive you if you force me to turn my back on my own happiness just to fuel your unjustified prejudice."

Looking at the expression on Xander's face, I realize that it's finally starting to sink in. It may take a little more than just this talk, but I think he'll get there. We just have to be patient.

Xander turns to Willow. "I don't wanna make you mad again, but…where did all that come from? All that…"

"Anger?" Willow sighs. "I couldn't stand by and let you say all those things about demons. You see…" Then she looks at Tara hesitantly.

The blonde witch nods. "It's OK. You can tell them."

Willow nods back. "Tara thought she was a demon."

Wait, what? How can a sweet girl like Tara think she's a demon? OK, demons aren't all bad – we've just been trying to convince Xander of that – but still. Tara's the last person I would expect to be a demon.

"How?" I ask.

"Her family are a bit…old fashioned," Willow explains.

"And by that she means they kept their women in line by tellin' them they're part demon and that the men were the only ones who could control their 'problem'," says Spike. He shakes his head. "Bloody pillocks."

"Wait, how do you know this?" I ask him.

"He figured out the lie," says Willow. "When the three of us were getting books, I suggested a spell to help find the demons. Tara was hesitant and Spike realized something was wrong, and he got her to confess."

Tara nods. "A-and then h-he punched me in the n-nose."

"It fired my chip," Spike elaborates. "Proved that she's human."

Willow turns back to Xander. "Tara could've been a demon, and yet look at her. She would never hurt a fly. And Spike, the actual demon, proved that she wasn't by causing pain to himself. Can you see why I got so mad at you?"

I can too, but I'm not looking at Willow. I'm looking at Spike, once again seeing the kind of man he really is.


	20. Chapter Nineteen: Eleanor and Gyffard

_I am Eleanor Ryall, the Vampire Slayer. And I am relying on my prey to watch my back. _

_He is not just any vampire. His name is Gyffard, and I was highly surprised when he appeared on one of my patrols one night. I was even more surprised when he attacked another vampire who had been stalking me from behind. _

"_Not much of a Slayer, are you?" he'd said with a smirk. "Can't even tell when a vampire's creeping up on you." _

_I'd grabbed him by the neck and pinned him against a tree. "What do you want, vampire? I am in no mood for your games." _

"_Not playing any games here," he'd said with his arms raised in surrender. "I want to help." _

_I had laughed, and while I shouldn't have done it, I let him go. For I owed him my life, and keeping to the warrior's code is something my Watcher, Henry Adelard, said I should do. Though I suppose he wouldn't be happy if he ever found out that I spared the life of a demon…_

_But I do not have to worry about Gyffard killing people. He prefers to kill other vampires; more challenging, he claims. He appeared once again the night after I let him go, and then the night after that, and the night after that… _

_So I let him join me, and although he is a vampire and I am a Slayer – two beings who should be mortal enemies – I have not regretted my choice. _

_We fight as one. Our styles of fighting are the same; sometimes it is as if he is my shadow and reflection. And his strength and stamina allows me not to worry about him. When a local man named Frederick Hameline – a man who attempted to call upon me and ask me to marry him – discovered my Calling, he attempted to help. But I soon had to ask him to leave me be, because I was constantly saving him from vampires and demons alike, which distracted me and frustrated him. _

_It was dangerous. Fighting alongside Gyffard is not. _

_I was worried when Belinda Fareman – a Potential whom my Watcher is training – discovered my secret, but once I showed her the benefits of having Gyffard on our side, she agreed not to tell. Belinda is smart, and I hope that she has seen what I have seen. _

_That Gyffard will follow me wherever I may lead him. It is as if I am the general and he is the lieutenant of our own personal army, consisting of just the two of us. Four if one was to count Belinda and Adelard. _

_We have finished our patrol and are about to separate. Gyffard is hurt, but not badly so. Despite this, I feel guilty for his injury, because he got it saving me. His loyalty is commendable. I have to thank him. _

_I figure that a kiss on the cheek will be enough. I wait until he is turned away before I dive in. Hopefully if I'm quick enough, he will not protest. _

_Only I underestimate his reflexes, and turns to me just as I am inches away from his face. I do not notice what has happened until my lips are on his. _

_I pull away, blushing. Vampires cannot blush, but if he were alive, I know he would be blushing, too. I can tell by the expression on his face. It is rather sweet, really. I have always admired a man who is not afraid to show his feelings, unlike Frederick, who barely shows any emotions. _

"_I wanted to thank you," I tell him. "For saving me." _

"_You're welcome." We stand in awkward silence for a few moments more before, in sync, we turn and hurry away to our respective homes. _

_The next night we are silent, but we soon fall back into routine of killing vampires and demons and passing battle quips backwards and forwards. I catch Gyffard admiring me from afar, and honestly, I am admiring him, too. Because our kiss has made me realize just how handsome he is – especially when he fights. _

_I take the lead and kiss him again. He kisses me back, following me even in this. It happens again the next night, and the next, and the next…_

_It is not long before I realize that I am in love with him. _

_I tell him. He smiles and says the same to me; he was waiting for me to say it first, so he could follow me into the oblivion he calls love. _

_He leads me back to his home where we make love. I always thought I would die a virgin, and I was fine with that. The life of the Slayer is not equipped for marriage, especially to an ordinary mortal man. My Watcher told that to Frederick after the man discovered my secret. _

_They are unlikely friends, though. Since Frederick cannot help with the fighting, he helps with the research. _

_At the height of our passion, Gyffard bites me. It does not hurt, and I do not fear that he will feast upon me. I am right when he pulls away to lick my wound clean, before whispering in my ear, "Mine." _

"_Yours," I agree. _

_I watch as Gyffard pricks his lip on one of his fangs, drawing blood, before he kisses me again. The blood flows into my mouth and I swallow. I feel the connection it makes, and I am overwhelmed by love. _

_Neither of us are paying attention to our surroundings. _

_Before I realize what is happening, Frederick is standing above us, and he pulls Gyffard off and away from me. I cry out in panic, and my cries only grow when Frederick drives a stake through my lover's heart. _

_I tear through the settling dust as I launch myself at Frederick. I take his head in my hands and snap his neck. I feel no remorse as I watch his lifeless corpse fall to the floor. _

"_Belinda was right to tell us." I barely register my Watcher's voice before I discover an arrow piercing my heart._

* * *

><p>"Eleanor Ryall," Giles reads from the book in front of him. "She was a Norman Slayer in the 11th century, active for a number of years until she was killed in 1022 by a vampire named Gyffard, who was then slain by a man named Frederick Hameline. It says here that this man assisted the Slayer and her Watcher with a number of vampires and demons." He looks over towards me. "I assume this is all false?"<p>

"Names are true. Details are false," I say. "Gyffard was Spike's incarnation, and he was more helpful to Eleanor than Frederick ever was. It was the same again; he and she made love, they Claimed, but then the men show up and kill us. Frederick…" I bite my lip and look down, not wanting to think about the man I saw in my dream…and how no more than a few months ago, I considered dating a guy with the same face.

Spike gives my hand a gentle squeeze. "'S OK, luv. I saw him, too."

"Saw who?" Willow asks. Next to her is Tara, who looks both nervous and curious, and opposite them are Anya and Xander. Since the talk a few days ago, Xander hasn't made any comments about me and Spike, and I'm hoping that maybe we've gotten through to him, even though he hasn't apologized yet.

I let out the deep breath I didn't realize I was holding. "Riley. He's the man who always kills Spike, just like I said. I saw his face this time, clear as day."

"At least that confirms his identity." Giles nods thoughtfully. "What about the Watcher?"

I shake my head. "His face is still blurred." I know why Giles is asking; he's afraid that the Watcher will turn out to be him, but honestly, I don't think it is. Unless he's a very good actor, Giles has no problems with Spike, which is confusing in itself. But hey, don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Where the hell did that analogy come from, anyway?

"At least one mystery's solved," says Anya.

"Not completely," I say. I look towards Willow. "I don't know whether I should drop out of Psych or not. I really don't wanna be around Riley."

"But you can't just not show up," Willow explains. "He knows who you are now; he knows how strong you are. And it's not like he's gonna attack you in the day, or anything, because randomly attacking a student in front of a class full of other students? Not good."

I know she's right, but I'm not really afraid of him attacking me, or even confronting me. I can handle myself. I'm more afraid of what _I'll_ do to him if given half the chance. He's killed Spike – or at least Spike's incarnations – many times over, and I've watched in horror every single time. I'm afraid that my 'id' – or whatever the hell Professor Walsh calls it – will take over and I'll end up killing Riley, or at least seriously injuring him. In front of everyone, no less.

And since he'll no doubt make it harder for me to resist by confronting me…

I need to breathe. Silently excusing myself, I get to my feet and hurry out of Giles's front door. The fresh air begins to calm me down, but the panic and anxiety only starts to fully go away when a pair of strong arms wrap themselves around me.

I should've known that he'd follow me out. It's already sunset and the courtyard is nothing but shadows, but I doubt even the fear of getting a sun tan could keep him away.

"Don't talk about Riley, OK?"

"Sure thing, luv." Spike rests his chin on my shoulder as I lean into his chest. "I always did wonder what it'd be like fighting alongside a Slayer."

"Me, too," I say. "I mean, I always wondered what it'd be like fighting alongside a vampire."

"I thought you did?"

"I never really fought with Angel." A couple of times, but that was never truly fighting. More like him trying to save me or me trying to save him – or scream at him in agony, afraid that he'll be killed. Did I really act like that around him?

Angel never truly fought with me. He fought _for_ me, and sometimes he didn't even fight at all; he just showed up, spoke cryptic stuff, and left. How that stopped being annoying and became charming, I'll never know. Young and stupid, thy name is Buffy.

"Angel was never really much of a fighter," says Spike. "Into the mind games, and the "art" of killing. Me? I'd take a good brawl any day."

"Because you're an impatient idiot."

"Hey." He gives me a little nudge with his knee, and I giggle. "It's borin' bein' all patient-like. I'm surprised that Gyffard bloke held off for as long as he did before confrontin' Eleanor 'bout helpin' her."

My smile fades a little as my thoughts return to Eleanor and Gyffard, our latest reincarnations. In my mind's eye the two figures change, and I see myself and Spike in those same positions; me hunting vampires and demons with Spike by my side, following my lead without hesitation. I see us fighting side by side, and then I see us kissing, making love…

…dying at the hands of Riley and the mysterious Watcher…

Spike obviously hears my sharp intake of breath and pulls me closer. "It'll be OK, sweetheart. We'll figure it out."

"But what if we don't?" I ask him. "What if we fail? We'll be…"

Separated forever. It can't happen now, not when I've admitted I have feelings for him – in front of my friends, no less. I've resolved to just let things happen without any self-conscious interference, and the confession just came out as a result of the confrontation with Xander. I don't regret admitting my feelings, and I would never take those words back.

I know it won't be long before I've fallen all the way…

"We'll be fine," Spike assures me. "And do you know why we'll be fine? Because you'll be leadin' the way, and I trust you to be the leader you were born to be. I'll always follow you; wherever you go, and no matter what."

And standing in his arms, bathing in how cool he feels against my skin, I believe him. I believe that we'll be fine and will figure things out.

I turn in his arms, and before he can ask what I'm doing, I kiss him. It doesn't take him long to kiss me back.

It's our first kiss since Christmas, and I can't believe just how much I've missed his lips. It just feels so right – and compared to everything else around us, it's the most 'right' thing in the world. I feel like I'm joining with my other half, which probably isn't that far from the truth.

"Buffy?"

I reluctantly pull away at the sound of Xander's voice and try not to snap at him. "What is it?"

He's standing in the doorway, watching us. But there's no disgust in his eyes this time; just surprise, although that's minor, too. I guess this is progress, and I wonder how much of it can be attributed to Willow's speech or the fact that Anya's withholding sex with him until further notice.

"Giles just got a call," he explains. "It's from the hospital. Faith's awake and she's on the loose."

Faith. I completely forgot about Faith, what with everything else going on in my life. But with a reminder of her, I suddenly remember another important part of the dream. I was so focussed on seeing Riley's face for the first time…

I remember what had happened to Angel last year and I drag Spike into the house. "You need to stay inside."

"Why, pet?"

"Faith shot Angel with a poisoned arrow last time she was up and about," supplies Xander helpfully.

"It's not just that." I drag Spike over to the others so they can hear. "Faith was in the dream, too. She was a Potential Slayer named Belinda – and she was the one who betrayed Eleanor to her Watcher."


	21. Chapter Twenty: This Year's Girl

By the time we've told Spike everything about Faith, it's already night. If only we had more time, but Willow, Tara and I had classes for most of the day, so we couldn't get to Giles's place to explain the latest dream until late afternoon. Then again Giles didn't get a call until after the discussion anyway, so I guess it wouldn't have made a difference…

So many thoughts and feelings are clogging my brain that it's hard to pin them all down. There's shock over the fact that she's woken up. There's guilt over what I did to her to put her in a coma in the first place. And then there's fear; not for myself, but for my friends. And Spike.

I can't forget what I saw in the dream. Faith is a reincarnation of Belinda, and Belinda betrayed me – rather, she betrayed Eleanor, but Eleanor is me and Gyffard is Spike. Her betrayal got he and I killed, and I'm not about to let that happen again.

But at the same time, I need to think things through when approaching her. After all, being in a coma may have made her re-evaluate her turn to the dark side.

"What happened exactly?" I ask Giles.

"She beat someone up," he explains, "stole their clothes and hasn't been seen since."

Xander winces from where he's sat on the couch. "I'd say this qualifies for a 'worst timing ever' award."

I have to agree. With everything else that's been going on – the dreams, the Initiative – throwing Faith into the mix isn't the greatest thing ever. It only makes me more suspicious that Faith's sudden awakening has more to do with all this than I'd wish. "Faith isn't exactly low profile girl. I'll patrol, but…I don't know what I'll do if she shows up."

"Oh, I know! Beat the crap out of her," Willow suggests. Tara looks uncertain.

"Good plan!" Xander agrees.

"And do it before she tries to hurt Xander," says Anya. "I've seen what jealous ex-girlfriends can do. I've granted their wishes."

Again, Xander winces. "She wasn't exactly a _girlfriend_; we slept together _one_ time…"

And it was one time too many. I try not to shudder at the thought of Xander and Faith hitting it off; after all, he's been behaving around me and Spike. "Good on paper," I tell Willow, "but we still have a decision to make. Do we hand her over to the cops? They wouldn't know what to do with a Slayer even if they knew we existed."

"You can say that again, luv," says Spike.

"I can't believe I'm saying this," Xander begins, "but now would be a really good time for Spike to _not_ have a handicap. I mean, Slayer of Slayers vs. Crazy Psychopath Slayer? Not only would I pay to see that, but it would solve the problem pretty quickly."

The part of me that grudgingly agrees is the same part of me that wished Spike was around last year.

Spike shrugs. "As fun as that sounds, I can't exactly do that. S'posed to be one of you lot now, right?"

I'm surprised. I mean, yeah, I've noticed that Spike's been changing and helping, and he clearly has feelings for me, but admitting that he's on our side now and wearing a white hat? Well, not outright admitting to the white hat thing, but that was pretty darn close.

The others look surprised too, but they don't comment. I give Spike's hand a squeeze.

"What about the Council?" asks Willow.

"Been there, tried that," says Xander. "Not unlike smothering a forest fire with gasoline, as I recall."

I sigh. "There's no way around this. Whether I like it or not, Faith's back and she's _my_ responsibility. We have no idea where she is. We don't know what she's thinking, what she's feeling…"

"Who she's doing." Yeah, we know you slept with her, Xander. Stop calling attention to it. I'm not disgusted by it, because then I'd be as big a hypocrite as he was being towards me. But it's like he wants pity; like he wants us to feel sorry that he endured that experience.

He shouldn't have slept with her in the first place, so it's his own fault, really.

"She could be terrified," I continue, moving away from the topic of Xander and Faith. "Maybe she doesn't even remember? Or maybe she does and she's sorry and alone hiding somewhere."

"Perhaps there's some form of rehabilitation that we just haven't thought about," Giles suggests.

"And if not, ass-kicking makes a solid plan B," says Willow.

"I'm not gonna rule it out," I admit. If I have to fight her, then I will. Anything to protect my friends. Anything to protect Spike. "First things first, we need to find her. Then we can take it from there."

Everyone nods in agreement, and after making a plan, we leave. Anya drags Xander home with the intention of locking him up and "safely away from Faith", while Willow heads over to the dorms with Tara, talking about location spells they could try without needing something of Faith's to help.

I turn to Spike once we're outside. "Look, I really don't want you to take this the wrong way, but could you stay with Giles instead of at your crypt? It's just…with Riley out there and now Faith-"

"I get it, pet," he says, smiling kindly in that way he does that makes him look both handsome and adorable. It's a smile I never would've expected to see on him before, but it just looks so _right_. "I'd be sayin' the same, but I know you can handle yourself." He sighs with frustration, and I know what he's thinking about.

If he could still fight humans then he would be able to protect himself against threats like this. But it's taking that leap of faith and trusting him to not kill once he gets the problem fixed, and if I'm honest, I'm ready to take that leap. I've seen all his other incarnations, after all, and none of them had government tech in their brain. It's the opinions and fears of the others that I'm worried about, particularly Xander's.

"I know," I tell him.

He shrugs as if it's no big. "Don't worry your head about Faith. You'll find her and you'll stop her. That's what you hero types do."

"But stopping her isn't what I'm worried about," I say. "It's what happens afterwards. Because I don't know whether to forgive her or not, or whether she deserves to be forgiven. It all started when she killed that guy, and that was a complete accident. It could've happened to me. But she didn't take it well, and what she did after that was of her own choice, and that's what I don't think I can forgive her for. I want to, but…"

"Depends on whether or not she wants to be forgiven," says Spike. "And if she does, then I think you should. It's in your nature, pet. You've forgiven me for everything I've done – tryin' to kill you at the toppin' of the soddin' list – and not just in this life. In every life before this one, you knew what I was and that I must've done unspeakable things. And yet you forgave me and saw the man beneath the monster. So maybe you should look for the woman beneath the-"

"Psychopath?" My eyebrow rises. "I said that I want to. I really do. But it all comes down to whether or not she's willing to accept forgiveness and realize that even though how it all started wasn't her fault, she dug herself into her own grave."

* * *

><p>"Any luck?" Willow asks the next morning as she, Tara and I walk across the campus.<p>

"Couldn't find her." And that's probably a good thing, too. After the talk with Spike, I wasn't in the right frame of mind to act reasonably or rationally.

"At least you're not alone on this," says Willow. "I'll bet that every cop in Sunnydale is out there looking for her right now. Even though they probably wouldn't be able to handle her, like you said. But more eyes on the look-out, right?"

"The pressure's definitely high," I agree. "If I were her, I'd get out of dodge post-hasty."

We walk over to the notice board, and too late do I spot the brunette with wavy hair and platform boots and recognize her form. Faith turns slowly, and Willow and I instantly draw to a halt. Willow has to hold out her arm to stop Tara, who at first looks confused but then seems to catch on that this girl must be Faith. "You're not me," says Faith.

I swallow, biting my tongue and trying to keep cool. It wouldn't do to attack her in the middle of all these people. "Faith."

Faith looks me up and down. "So…check you out, B. Nice. The big girl on campus thing's really working for you."

I know she's trying to get a rise out of me, so I remain calm. "I've been looking for you."

She shrugs before starting to pace in front of me. "I've been standing still for eight months, B. How hard did ya look?"

"Are you alright?" I ask. She _looks_ fine, but you never know.

"Five by five," she says. "That's the thing about a coma; you wake up all rested and stuff. And ready for payback."

Of course. "So much for pleasantries, huh?"

"What did ya think?" she asks. "I'd wake up and we'd go for _tea_? You tried to _gut_ me, blondie."

"You would've done the same to me if you had the chance." I need to keep my temper down. I'll admit; it's good practice in case Riley confronts me in the near future, which he probably will. If I can stand here and take Faith's crap without beating the shit out of her, then I can surely do the same with Riley.

"So let's have another go at it," she suggests. "See who ends up on top."

"It doesn't have to be like this, you know," I try. I remember Spike's words and hope there's still a bit of goodness left in Faith; that girl who tried to be my friend by sticking it to Scott after he dumped me for another girl.

"Actually, I think it has to be exactly like this." She smirks and gestures to the people around us.

"Faith, these are innocent people."

She just looks around without any emotion whatsoever. "No such animal."

"I guess it was too much to hope that you'd use your downtime to reflect and let go." Which is a shame. I could've forgiven her, but if she really wants it to be this way…

"Could say the same about you," she says with another shrug. "You're still the same 'better-than-thou' Buffy. I kept having this dream; I'm not sure what it means. But in the dream, the self-righteous blonde chick stabs me, and you wanna know why?"

"You had it coming?" Out of the corner of my eye I notice Willow gently nudge Tara out of the line of fire before taking off her backpack. She holds it ready as she attempts to sneak up behind Faith.

"That's one interpretation, but in _my_ dream, she does it for a guy." Then without even turning, she says, "Try it, Red, and you lose an arm."

"Willow," I tell her. It was a nice try, but Faith's a Slayer. I would've sensed it coming, too. Willow realizes that there's no use in trying, and backs away towards Tara.

"But then I wake up to find that this blonde chick isn't even _dating_ the guy she was so nuts about before." She's definitely trying to get a rise out of me now. I can't let it affect me, but it does. It's not the Angel part that bothers me, of course; it's the fact that she knows about Spike and knows that there's something going on between us. "I mean, she's moved on to the first vamp she meets. And not only has she forgotten about the love of her life, she's forgotten about the chick she nearly _killed_ for him."

My fist clenches. "I know what it looks like, but I'm over Angel. The fact that I almost killed you for him is one of the reasons things fell apart between us. It was wrong, and I know that I realized it too late-"

"Too late?!" She laughs. "That's the understatement of the century. And I mean _this_ century, because, oh yeah, I woke up in a new _century_! Or have I woken up in a parallel world where you enjoy the dangers of _fucking_ with the Slayer of Slayers?"

"I think you should stop mouthing off about things you don't understand." That's when I hear the sirens, and I stop myself from giving Faith a satisfied grin. "Uh oh. I guess somebody knows you're here."

Faith punches me, which I expected, but it was still too quick for me to dodge. I kick back, keeping her occupied while the cops pull up. I know they can't handle her, but maybe if I knock her out and keep her down…

She pushes me away. "You took my life, B! Payback's a bitch!"

"Look who's talking," says Willow.

"See ya around." Then she turns and flees, punching one cop and kicking another in the face as she jumps over their car. I give chase, bit I'm too late to catch her. She leaps over a wall and disappears into the crowd of college kids, leaving me back to square one.

* * *

><p>Since she was talking about Spike, it's him I go to first. Giles is out – talking with the cops about Faith, probably – and part of me is glad. I want to be alone with Spike.<p>

I hug him tightly before locking the door behind us and explaining what happened.

"So I s'pose forgiveness is out, then?" he asks.

"Ugh!" I grip my hair and resist the urge to pull it out. "She just… She drove me nuts last year. I hated her, even though I knew what had happened and that it wasn't really her fault, but… Ugh."

Spike's eyebrow rises. "Never seen anyone get under your skin this way before. 'Cept for me, of course. What she do to you?"

"I told you," I say. "She hurt me and the people that I care about. And did I mention the psycho killer part?"

"A couple dozen times." He smirks. "Reminds me of our little fights before all these dreams started happenin'."

I shove him, but not in a playful way. "This isn't a joke. There's a criminally insane girl out there with super powers who thinks that I'm responsible for ruining her life. I know Faith. She'll come after me, and she'll come after the people that I love."

"People that you…" His eyes darken with worry and he turns to me. "Don't suppose you've called your mum and sis to warn them about this, have you?"

My eyes widen. "Mom…"


End file.
